Voices that Fall like Stones
I’m so tired. I don’t know if its getting up so early this morning, although not so crazily early. Maybe its just been such a busy tiring day after not doing much for months. I’m sure my body will get use to it, but its only 7pm and I just want to go to bed already.
Ok so I know this is really PINK, and not my thing, but someone asked really politely to use it, so I’ll have to deal… well deal until we get sick of it and change it again. There isn’t a lot of themes to choose from, and the ones we do like we can’t use because we’ve forgotten the user information to ftp stuff to the thosethatwalk.com site. We have an ftp on our desktop computer, but we have no working mouse so we can’t get into the system. Hopefully that will change and we can work out how to get access to our site again. Our user information might (god I hope) still be on that computer.
So for now… PINK!!
I can’t believe we drew again, and against Italy, its shocking, amazing and makes me bounce. Footballs about the only game I even consider watching, but I didn’t think we had shit chance of getting more than one point
After 10 weeks I am smoking again. I’m so kicking my own arse. I’ll have to give up again, there’s simply no way I can afford it. Stupid me doing stupid things but starting up again. Me all bitchy at myself over this.
It’s the staying stopped that’s hard, not the actual stopping
I couldn’t find any rhubarb in the supermarket. That makes me sad. I have such a craving for rhubarb and custard and was going to have it for dinner.
I’m still sick, it’s still bloody cold. But at least the heater is working again.
I’m starting to freak out about school. I’ve been hidden away from people for so long, and the idea of being around so many it just making me freak out. I’m scared I’m going to be ridiculed and laughed out. I’m scared I won’t do a good job. I’m scared that I’m not intelligent enough. All the crap that usually sits in my brain is screaming out again. Oh how I love being fucked in the head.
Recently my cat has decided my forearms are her cushions. She gets up on the table, climbs over me, then annoys the crap out of me until she can get into place and then simply lies down, resting herself on them. I drink coffee, type on the computer and she’ll just lie there until she’s bored and wanders off. Now I’ve pushed her off and dumped her on the floor, but she just looks at me in disgust and climbs back up to settle down again.
I opened up my livejournal a few weeks ago with the sole purpose of getting back into writing fiction. Since I opened it, well I haven’t been able to write. I think I’ve scared myself with the idea of actually letting people read my fiction. I love writing. I really do. Sometimes when I’ve finished a piece I can actually, very momentarily, allow myself to feel some pride. But the thought that others will read it, judge it as being awful, think I’m crazy, I just suddenly am bombarded with being a loser, with having thoughts of grandeur. It’s the same thing I used to talk to Sean about when it came to school, that I’ll be discovered as a huge fraud and hurt for it. The sucky part, I’m missing writing.
About 2 weeks ago I got drenched. There were major flooding in Dunedin and it was, well basically miserable. I would have liked to stay at home but I also needed to get stuff done down at the University. Long very wet very tiresome story later I got soaked to the skin. But the time I got home my jeans were clinging with waterlogged heaviness to me and all my bones hurt. I ended up finding out my boots weren’t water proof when I had to make it across a broad flooded puddle that ended up a lot deeper than I thought. So I get home, cold miserable and as grouchy as all hell.
Now ten days later I have the most horrendous cold. I had two days of a throat too sore to swallow, let alone talk, and the feeling that knifes were being pushed into my sinuses. I couldn’t sleep with it all. It was not pleasant, but hey a cold’s a cold. Even now when the pain parts gone and I’m in the phase when I have to blow my nose every 5 minutes, because its constantly dripping and I’m sneezing all the frecking time, it’s more annoying than anything else. I don’t just give into sickness. I would probably get healthy quicker if I actually went to bed and took care of myself, but you know, I have issues … go figure.
So yesterday I have a cold, its so fucking cold weather-wise, and the bar on the heater chooses that time to flare. The day that’s crappy and I have no heater to keep me warm. And its also the day before Queen’s Birthday, so I can’t even get them to fix it today. I’m hoping it will get fixed tomorrow because the cold really does suck.
I thought I was going to write something about a relationship tonight, but it seems my love life still seems to be of soap-operatic levels of fucked-up-ness. I’ll write about it when I can stop shaking from the cold.
After cleaning I’ve found a few things I need to save up for, from cheap things, to, well things I can’t see me affording.
*A Lamp – I so need a bedside lamp
*Radio/CD Player – surprisingly I have nothing to play my cd’s on.
*Electric Beaters – had to throw mine out
*Kitchen Scales
*Hair Dryer – it smokes when I turn it on
*Underwear – yes fresh ones not my mother’s used ones
*Pots – you know how scary it is to pick up a pot where the handle bends to a 45% angle
*Winter shoes – god I hate shoe shopping.. love shoes, hate my feet
*IPod – just cos
*Flash Drive, and Wireless Router – computer stuff has been waiting for a while
*Clothing – when I threw out all the ripped, stained, cruddy stuff, I found I had nothing left
*Wineglasses – isn’t urgent, but I only have one glass
*Candle holders – the ones on my altar are shattered…. oops
I also need a new vacuum cleaner, because mine is falling apart, but it still works so I’m not desperate yet.
I’m doing a huge house clean. It will probably take a few days. I don’t like cleaning. I usually do the bare minimum to make the place liveable. And I have to say that’s true, I know a lot of people that say they don’t clean much but are obsessed about it. I like to keep the place tidy, but I’m not going to spend every day cleaning it. So the last time I can remember getting this intense about cleaning was, well, actually it was the last time I was intensely suicidal and wanted the house all tidy when they came to collect all my stuff. Now for the record, I’m not even slightly suicidal this time. If I’m nesting then it’s a virginal birth, or at least a not for a very long time birth. It’s just very odd for me to be this interesting in cleaning.
About a week ago I ripped my heel open. It was a drizzly day and I slipped on the concrete doorstep and slid down the edge of it. Would have been fine if I had been wearing shoes, but I don’t like shoes. So I ended up ripping a big hunk of my ankle/heel out. We bandaged it up, it was sore for a couple of days, but then seemed to be healing fine. But the last couple of days its been, well not sore exactly, sort of a constant ache. It’s more annoying than painful if that makes sense. It doesn’t look infected or anything not that I’d know what to look for. Maybe the new ache is just about it healing. It’s just annoying me.
And now I bring you The Most Embarrassing Moment of May (at least I hope its the most embarrassing because sheesh).
So on Thursday I was getting my groceries, a lot of heavy things this times which I was struggling to carry. I had to rush to get the bus home, so by the time I got on it I was all frustrated and flustered. Not that unusual, even the annoying bastard of a bus driver I’m use to. Trying to keep my groceries from spilling everywhere on the bus was fun. So basically by the time I got to my stop I was in that dissociated state to avoid having a completely overwhelming anxiety episode.
It was probably this dissociation that made me miss the signs, because I walked from the bus and when I stepped down onto the pavement my jeans dropped from my waist to my knees. Yes people I was standing on the sidewalk with my jeans down around my knees and my hands full of bags. There wasn’t a lot of people around, and I did manage to get the bags on the ground and my jeans pulled up without drawing too much attention to myself, but damn, talk about embarrassing.
Oh and I have to say, thank god I decided to wear knickers that morning!!!!