08.07.10
Posted in Relationships at 2:29 pm by TheShire
So I’m going to see Owen on Monday. I’ve been communicating with him for a few weeks now and he rang yesterday to say he’ll be in Dunedin on Monday so we should meet.
We seem to have a lot in common and at this time are looking for the same thing. I know my ideal dream would be to find someone that is right for me and develop a full on relationship with, but at the same time I’ve come to see that as a dream that won’t work in reality. I’m not being all negative or pessimistic; I do feel I am being realistic. It isn’t about settling, it’s about what I am capable of creating for myself.
When I first started talking with Owen he kept saying he wanted something ‘casual’. I thought, well that won’t work for me, I don’t want to be someone’s free fuck. But after talking a bit more, getting more information, his definition of casual is different than mine. For me, casual means turning up for sex when the guy is horny, without any connection or interaction. For him it meant developing a friendship, liking someone as a person as well as creating a sexual connection. This I can do, in fact right now, this is probably all I’m capable of giving someone. I don’t want to do the love, living together thing. In a way it’s like dating without any assumption of moving from that.
So we are going to meet on Monday. He lives in central Otago, it isn’t a long drive, only about an hour and half from his place to mine. He’s down for business, so we’ll meet, and see if we both want to continue. He said on the phone last night he’s keen and unless there’s something really wrong with me, then he’s going to be willing to continue. Of course, I’m suspect. I have some major self-image crap to deal with, the belief no one will ever willingly want to spend time with me. I’ll deal, bury it the best I can when I meet him. Because face it, doing the ‘god I’m so revolting’ is not a good way to approach someone.
It’s been a while since I’ve dommed someone. The last few encounters I have had have been about topping without domination. I don’t like doing that, I get nothing out of it without the addition of the dynamic. He seems to want to submit as much as anything else. This, if it happens, will be a casual thing, so I won’t have that much control over his life, but we have already discussed enforcement of beneficial behaviour and rules. So I see him offering submission, not just wanting me to top him.
So I’ll meet him for lunch on Monday, and see how it goes. I’m nervous, but it’s a good nervous.
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06.08.10
Posted in Relationships at 3:35 pm by TheShire
A few months ago I met this guy. He was young but seemed interesting. We considered starting a D/s relationship but at the time family problems with him got in the road and nothing came of it. It wasn’t a big deal, I just set it aside as something that didn’t work out, without feeling bad about it.
Then a couple of weeks he got into contact with me. He told me that his parents ended up getting a divorce and his mother moving back to Germany. He said things had settled down for him again and he’d like another opportunity to develop something with me. We talked a lot about that. I had concerns, I always have concerns, it’s me after all. One was his age. He’s only 25. But he’s also got a double degree in Law and English, and is going to start his Masters in Law. So intelligence wasn’t an issue, and he seemed mature enough. In the end, it wasn’t going to be true love, I didn’t even see it lasting for years. But I thought it could be friends who had a sexual relationship.
We spent a lot of time setting up the terms of that relationship. It was going to be a BDSM foundation. That’s part of who I am, what I like from a relationship. I take it seriously, and he seemed to as well. We set up rules, safewords, expectations. A time was made for Monday for him to come up and sign a contract and that seemed good. I got a quick message from him that morning to say something had come up and he had to go to a meeting with his Professors so we’d have to postpone. Again, I didn’t think it was a big deal. I had always said his education should come first and I would never interfere with that. So we arranged to meet this Monday, because both our weeks were going to be hectic.
Monday comes and goes and no sign. There was no email, no message, nothing to say he couldn’t come. He just didn’t show.
Now looking back I see the pattern. Every time we arrange to begin, to make it real rather than theoretical discussion he fails to show. There seemed valid reasons, and maybe there were, but the suspicious paranoid part of my mind begins to wonder. Was he even ever serious about beginning this relationship with me, or was it some fantasy in his mind?
And of course, that sparks the joyous memories of the Holly/Brian saga. What is it about me that attracts people that speak of desires but fail to act on them? Is it that I’m just really unlucky? I don’t know. I wonder if there’s something that is me, that is wrong, unlovable, not worth the risk. I wonder if I am still just flashing the sign of victim, someone to play with, to twist and turn and build up just to tear down.
I also know I suck at relationships. My friendships seldom last. I think a big part of that is I don’t know how to really do friendships. I never learn that growing up. I never learnt how to maintain that closeness with others, because the world I lived in was so dangerous, people shouldn’t be trusted, and even if they were good and trustworthy I couldn’t let them in too close incase the darkness that was my family touched them. I have a few people I consider friends, but none of them live in Dunedin with me, and even those friendships have been through times when there was little contact.
And as for relationships, the sexual intimate ones, they all ended badly. Which isn’t unusual in its own right. People don’t generally find one true love and live happily ever after, relationships generally come then go. I get that, but all I can see right now is patterns of disintegration and rejection. This could be my attitude, I don’t die I’m a negative pessimist. I’m just sick of it.
I want to be lovable. I want to be able to share some of my life with someone. I don’t think I’m asking for too much. And then when I write that I hear that voice in my head that sneers. The one that reminds me of how unlovable I really am. I’m ugly and opinionated. I’m cold and serious. I don’t trust, I don’t make myself available. I know my faults. I can spend days listing them if I decided to. I just… I just want for someone to look at me and say I’m worth it. I don’t think it should be too much to ask, I just wonder why it isn’t something I seem to be entitled to.
I remember talking with Holly when I was still believing she was sincere. She was saying how none of her relationships worked, so she wasn’t going to keep trying. I said something like, I’ve had so many failures, but since finding someone special is what I want, really want, then it was worth it to keep looking, to keep taking those risk and meeting people. Yes there will be failures, yes there will be people that reject me, that I won’t be what they want. That’s life, that’s how the whole dating thing works. But if I want something it’s not going to come knocking on my door, I have to get off my arse and do the work. Today, well, I’m just not so sure I want to keep doing that work, I think maybe it’s time to resign myself I won’t find it.
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Posted in Family, Relationships at 3:08 pm by TheShire
I want to write something about my fucked up intimate/sex life, but I’m sick and grumpy. My nose has decided to clog up and I’m struggling to breath. The electrician still hasn’t come to fix the heater so the house is icy cold. So basically I’m miserable and my brain is really foggy.
Just, it’s this big fucking mess, and it seems I keep getting people in my life that want to play with me, treat me as a joke. It triggers all the crappy stuff from my family and their inability to love me, and all the friendships I failed to get to work, and I feel unlovable, and more than that, someone that is just seen as a joke to everyone, someone to play with so they can sit back and laugh at the stupid girl that thinks she’s worth loving.
How much of this is because I’m miserable from being sick, or how much is how I am reacting to yet another kick in the gut I don’t know.
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05.15.10
Posted in Recovery, Relationships at 9:37 pm by TheShire
I finally called a couple of friends on their bullshit. Actually I’m getting closer to thinking that the friends are actually one person. Either way I’ve been played for a while, I knew I was getting played and yet I put up with it. I put up with it because, well I kept feeling contact with people playing a game with me was better than no contact with anyone. I was lonely, hell I’m still lonely, but tonight, I just thought, fuck it, no more.
I don’t know how it’s all going to play out. At the moment I’ve just decided not to talk to either of them. They are too entwined. Whether it’s true or not they both feel like they have been playing me. Maybe Brian wasn’t a part of it, but it still feels like he was. Unfair, perhaps. I don’t know. I let myself get hurt because being hurt is something I know, something I can handle. And it feels better than being alone and abandoned. I know in the grand picture it isn’t the same thing, but it comes down to something I’ve always said about abuse. Being physically, sexually abused as a terrible hurtful thing, no one should deny that, but I believe living with rejection, living with neglect does more damage to someone than anything physical. It says, no matter what, you aren’t worth it, you aren’t even worth the effort to hurt, you don’t exist. And yes this situation is different, but it comes back to me saying I’d put up with being played with some I didn’t have to feel not good enough, didn’t have to feel left out in the cold alone and unnoticed.
As I said no idea what will happen. I think unless I see Holly and Brian together I won’t believe him. And until I see Holly, well she’s got her own issues, she played me for so long and I let her because the fantasy she was selling, well I wanted to buy it, even if it was just smoke and mirrors. Yes I’m glad I finally said enough, finally stopped me being the butt of their joke. But it’s left me feeling, well, tossed aside.
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04.05.10
Posted in Recovery, Relationships at 4:42 pm by TheShire
I should never speak to people this time of year. Holly messaged me, and for some reason that I don’t get I laid out in very bland, but extremely minimal, terms what my life is/was. Maybe its just that it hurts right now, and that hurt overrides that part of me that says, don’t tell anyone, don’t let anyone see. She said something about me needing loved, and I actually laughed. No shit Sherlock, of course I need love, but that’s not ever going to happen. I basically told her that, and then made it clear to her I knew she didn’t have those sort of feelings for me, that all the stuff we talked about was a fucking game. I was even really polite about it, polite but firm. And now she refuses to reply to my messages. I don’t know whether to laugh or just curl up and cry. It’s not a shock that she refused to acknowledge that she plays a game with me. I’m not upset about that, I’m pissed off at myself for saying that I am an abused damaged woman. I hate that I let it slip out when I’m like this. I hate forgetting that when people here they brush it aside. I’m not coping and I just made it worse for myself.
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01.15.10
Posted in Family, Recovery, Relationships at 10:11 pm by TheShire
Just finished watching Criminal Minds The Uncanny Valley. So damn creepy and I fell in love with Reid all over again. Was brilliant.
So onto life stuff, rather than my fandom love.
It’s been a rough time lately. December/January is never a good time for me. I thought, perhaps now I don’t have contact with my family over that four week period things would get better but it turns out that it’s still just as tragic and difficult. We shut down, felt lost outside of the world. I did feel incredibly isolated. I think a part of this is my so-called romantic life. It sucks, it’s become nothing but a painful game. I spoke to Brian briefly about 3 weeks ago and when I didn’t acknowledge all the pretty words, about me being special and so very important to him I haven’t heard anything back. I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t have someone feed me lines that have no action to back them up. I can’t let myself believe them, even though I do wish they were true, because when they go on without anything following them I feel worthless, not good enough, not worth his time and effort. He’s probably got a lot of issues that make it like this. I try to tell myself that, but I keep coming back to the fact that if I was special enough, good enough, I would then be enough, deserve more than just pretty words.
The same sort of goes for Holly but its different. A friend said she sounds like a 14 year old boy playing at being a lesbian, and yeah sometimes the things she says sounds more like a penthouse magazine letter (not that I’ve ever read such a thing of course), than a real person. But I doubt she’s a teenaged boy, I just don’t know how much of what she tells me is true, and since she refuses to meet me I’ll probably never know. I just, well I talk to her online, and I keep it like I do with all my friends, nothing too personal about my life, being there for them, knowing they will never be there for me in return. I know people tell me I’m closed off, hard to get to know, distant. I don’t really deny that, I know its a lot of damn hard work to actually get to know me and I don’t really know much about friendships. I just, I wish sometimes someone would put the effort in as well, that it wouldn’t always be about them. Of course, I am good at deflecting people when they get too close.
And then, dealing with this alone feeling, this isolated position, I get a stark memory, or at least part of the memory, it didn’t finish, it just ended, probably with a switch, and the person that got out of the bed wasn’t the one that got into it. That’s not exactly unusual. In all things it probably isn’t even close to being the worst thing that ever happened to me, in fact when I look at it from a distance, it seems minor, not a big deal. I struggle even to call it sexual abuse, although the intellectual part of my mind sees it that way. But the thing is it was my brother, it was yet another one of my family that took advantage of that, took that from me. It just makes me so tired, drained and drawn thin. It hurts, its just a little too much tragedy. Someone again said something along the lines of everyone has pain. And yes its true… but there is always this part of me that wants to yell, not like mine. It’s not about denying someone else’s pain, its about… I don’t know, finally owning up to the damage done. I know it sounds arrogant, at least it does to my ears, but I feel that I shouldn’t have survived, I shouldn’t have come out of my childhood with anything close to sanity, and its a damn miracle I’m as in control of my life as I am.
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03.29.09
Posted in Daily Show/Colbert Report, Relationships, Study at 10:41 pm by TheShire
I have become rather addicted to the Daily Show. We get it in New Zealand, and its only a day behind, well its not really a day behind, it’s the whole time difference thing. I’ve been watching for a while and absolutely love it. Some of the stuff is totally American centric that I’m not sure about but the good thing about how widely sweeping American issues are, even I know what’s going on in this little corner of the world.
I ended up on their website and have been rewatching old interviews and segments. And I found the link to the Colbert Report. We don’t get that here, but after watching so many of the tosses, and the whole Steven/Jon/Conan fight during the writer’s strike I wanted to see what it was like, and I have to say I’m getting addicted to that too. I am turning into such a geek.
School, well I’m finally on track with that. I feel really good about it, although some of the readings are tough slog. I can’t read them online, I just get really dissoicative and blank out on what I’m reading so I’m having to spend a fortune on printing but I don’t really mind. I posted my first part tonight online and although I think its crap it’s done (and yes I’m aware everything I do I think is crap).
My love life is a fucking mess. I have these two, hell I don’t even know what to call them, so I’ll go for friends. Anyway, they both flirt. They both talk openly about sex, and I get the feeling they are both completely playing me. I like them sure, but one I’ve met and really like and he won’t commit, one talks to me all the time, says in amazing and she’s falling for me but wont’ even meet me. You know what I think it is, I think because I said I’m no longer willing to do the casual sex thing anymore I’m simply not worth the effort to put any real work into. Part of me just wants to say fuck it, I don’t care anymore, go away and leave me alone. But then I think I am so damn lonely most of the time that texting and messaging is better than complete aloneness. Man I’m that pathetic.
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03.08.09
Posted in Relationships at 9:26 pm by TheShire
So now, my sex life, let’s move from one disaster to another shall we.
I really don’t know if anyone reads this anymore or if they do they have that good a memory. So, let me start a wee while back. I have had an ongoing relationship with a man called Brian for a while now. Well when I call it a relationship I think that’s really the wrong term and the root of all the confusion and frustration.
I have known Brian for a couple of years now, it started as casual sex and then friendship and casual sex. But for some reason over time that wasn’t working for me, I felt, well I felt like a shameful secret, good enough to fuck just as long as no one knew you were doing it. So I gave him an ultimatum basically. Do more things that could be classed as dating or I can’t do the sex thing anymore. It wasn’t a threat or a manipulation it was just setting a boundary, and I actually felt good about it, even though it did mean that we stopped seeing each other. A few months after that I met David and started a relationship with him. Brian got into contact a few months later, and I told him that he had lost his chance, but the friendship offer was still on the table. And that’s what happened, for the next few months, we mostly just talked online, he popped in for coffee a couple of times, but there was nothing sexual about our friendship anymore.
Time moved on, David left me (bastard but that’s a different story), and quite a few months after that, well lets just say I was horny and one thing lead to another. It wasn’t the smartest move, but hey, sex.. can be fun. And it actually got us talking, sharing some stuff. I didn’t fall into the old patterns though, well not completely, there was a bit of fooling around, but sex was off the cards. Sometimes when he’d pop in to see me there was a bit of touching, kissing and the like, all which lead to well, sexual frustration. He explained some of his personal hang-ups and I did my best to talk through them. He gave me his cell number and we went out, ended up having coffee in town, nothing big but still, I thought things were changing. Then in January he mentioned he was going out with his friends that night, normal conversation for us, until he said he wondered if I wanted to go with him. At first, yeah I thought it was a non-question, a would that be something you would do, rather than actually asking me out. It was though, he said he wanted me to come with him and when I said yes, he said he’d text me back when he found out where they were going. A month and a half later I’m still waiting to hear from him.
I know it’s over, I know I let someone in and got played for it. It hurts. I’m pissed I allowed myself to believe all the crap he told me, all those right things that made me feel special, that made it seem I was important to him. The scary thing is I think if he turned up, told me he just got frightened and wanted a second chance I would let him. It doesn’t help I don’t have a cadre of close friends to kick my arse for thinking about doing that. He was just someone that knew what to say to me, that could make me laugh, that could hold a proper conversation with, I don’t think I ever got to the point of being in love with him, but I liked him an awful lot, enough that this really sucks.
Through Brian I met a friend of his, at least I met her online. The first wee while I knew her, well I’m not even sure I liked her, let alone why I kept talking to her. I think I sometimes find immature annoying people amusing sometimes. We did stop talking for a while though, when she said if we ever met she wouldn’t take no for an answer and I wouldn’t know what hit me. I told her I didn’t really like spending time with rapists. The odd thing though was for a while she’d message me on MSN with “hi” but before I even got a chance to find the h key to write hi back she’d signed off.
Last week however she stuck around to talk. We did talk quite a bit and it got deepish. I think it started when she brought up Brian, since he’s a mutual friend. I told her I hated being played and was just going to remain single. She did her normal flirting, which is less flirting and direct sexual advances, but as I always blatantly ignore that sort of stuff it didn’t last long. We actually got to talking, and she said that the last few months had lead her to look at her life and not like what she saw, that she was trying to make changes. Now the cynical jaded part of me thought, wow, that’s a different approach to getting in my pants. But I didn’t say anything, I just responded to those sort of things how I always would. Honestly, bluntly, intelligently, without throwing my legs into the air screaming take me now.
Now to be honest I don’t know if it was all a big act or not. We talked quite a bit then she vanished. It would appear she wasn’t getting the responses she wanted and just gave up but she was also using MSN which isn’t the most reliable medium to talk in. It has been two days since the abrupt end to the conversation so I am actually leaning towards the opinion she realised she was wasting her time. But it all got me thinking, about how I miss relationships, I miss the sex yes, but its more than that, I miss the interaction, the plain fact of having someone in the room with me. I doubt this woman was actually offering that but it just made it clear how long its been.
The other aspect that is really clear, it seems I am someone that is really good to talk to, someone people feel they can open up and share personal details with. It’s not just this woman or Brian. I met another guy a few weeks back, really cool guy and we’re slowly developing a friendship by the looks of things. We met on a bdsm dating sight and after a couple of emails decided to meet in town. I didn’t expect to see him again to be honest. We met, we talked, I left thinking nice guy don’t want to kiss him. I had given him my email and cell phone though, because he was a nice guy and I really enjoyed talking with him. I didn’t want him as a lover but he would have been nice as a friend. I thought though, no way would he contact me. I was surprised though after a couple of days to get a message from him saying the same sort of thing, an offer of friendship rather than romance.
People seem to like talking to me, seem to think I can keep stuff private, and listen without judgement, that I will be helpful, encouraging and supportive. I’m glad for that, I like having that, being that. I do like being the type of person others look to in that way but sometimes I want more that to be a mentor, confidante or friend, sometimes I also want to be special. Which brings me back in the circle of why I keep falling for Brian’s game.
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11.08.07
Posted in Recovery, Relationships, Study at 2:01 pm by TheShire
Ok, not like anyone will probably be reading this, because I haven’t updated in about 8 months, but those that notice, yes, surprise surprise I’m actually putting up a journal entry. Shocking beyond shocking isn’t it? So I’ll full in what has been happening.
School. I had an interesting year really. First semester I almost failed a paper. I went into the exam with a very low mark. Basically the main assignment I managed to miss a huge and very important segment. So I was under a lot of pressure to do well in the exam. I must have because I came out with a B grade for the paper. Now I’m not happy with getting B’s, but at the same time all things considered I was amazed at how well I did. I got my “mini-thesis” done and in. With appendices it was about 17 000 words. It’s damn scary. I need to get a good grade for this if I even stand a chance to get into Masters. I won’t know until I get the grades back. What I’m holding onto is my supervisor who read what I have wrote still thinks I should go for Masters, so if it was total crap she wouldn’t be saying that. On the bad note, I dropped out of a paper but forgot to do the withdraw thing. So with this one, and a couple from last year when I was dealing with Dad dying, I’ve got a few fails on my transcript. This is not going to look good when I apply for Masters. So I might have managed to shoot myself in the foot over that. Seems sabotaging achievement is still a major issue for us.
Relationships Ok David. Well it seems I’ve broken up with him. I say seems because he simply dropped out of my life and I have no idea why. He was talking to moving to Blenheim for work, and we were talking about moving up there with him. He went up to look around and I told him to call me when he got back to let me know how it went. Now, some 7 months later I still haven’t heard from him. The thing about this that pisses me off is what is it with people that can’t give someone the respect of saying, sorry it’s not working I’m moving on. Actually what pisses me off the most in all this is all the bdsm toys I had were at his place and although I’ve emailed him to ask for them back, I’ve never heard anything from him. There was a lot of stuff there and a few of them actually had some emotional connections to them, memories attached to getting them. Also it was a lot of money to get them all. It’s not like I have anyone new in my life, but that’s not the issue.
Breaking up with David, I don’t know, it didn’t really rock me. I remember when Chris said he’d not be with me anymore it really hurt. I was a mess for a few days. But with David, it felt more like resignation. I think there was always a part of me that knew it wouldn’t last. Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted it to, I still cared a lot about him, even loved him. But when it all stopped it just felt, I don’t know, inevitable. Also I think there were a few things that in the long term might have become issues. I will always be grateful that he supported and loved me through my father’s death, and that for awhile there he treated me like a wonderful partner. I have happy memories that I will cherish. But in all things I still don’t feel devastated by the break up.
Therapy I’m coming to the end of a period of group therapy. It’s been an interesting experience. Both good and bad. On the bad side, there is a woman in the group that really angers me, and I think the feeling is mutual. She doesn’t like me, I don’t like her. Second group she attacked me because I disclosed I was multiple. I nearly stopped coming to the group because of, and because of how Sean responded to it. I felt like I was dealing with my mother all over again. And that is never a good feeling. I do think though that was part of the reason I kept going back. Since then she’s taking snips at me, calling me a victim often. I hate her, I really do. Last group Sean had convinced me to disclose my abuse history to the group. It was very scary to do so. I felt like I was breaking every rule in my head and I’m trying to deal with that. Her feedback to me was I anger her and I drain her. It really didn’t help. I know she has a right to those feelings, but I felt attacked for speaking up, which brought into all the pain and messages about not disclosing, but it being bad and wrong and selfish of me to speak up about my own pain.
On the good, or at least better side of the whole group thing, being there has helped me deal more with some of the rules in my head. I speak up, I share and respond to others, I push myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve actually become rather friendly with one woman, she drives me home from group, and like another one. It’s been really weird to be part of a group but its getting better.
Writing I’ve decided to take a big risk in my life and share my writing with people. I’ve always written. I love writing, but usually I just delete everything I’ve written. I have major esteem issues around my writing. No matter how much I love doing it I always have feelings of shame attached to it. Basically I think its crap and people would laugh at me and all sorts of other wrong and horrible things. Then a friend asked me to write a piece of fan-fiction for her and I did and well she loved it. I started to write more and post them in a livejournal account. That was going to be it, just sharing with a couple of friends. However I was reading a journal of an online writer who I really respect for her writing skills and she was doing an October-Fest for writing and asking people to sign up. I commented I would love to except my writing was so incredibly bad. She read a couple of pieces in the livejournal and encouraged me to join up. After a lot of panicking I actually did, and then panicked a lot afterwards. I ended up posting a number of drabbles in the month and one longer fic. I got really nice feedback. It scared me shitless, but I am so glad I did it.
I’ve never had anyone read any fiction I wrote since HighSchool. When I did there I got positive feedback from a family friend which resulted in major beatings from my mother for being too proud and conceited. Since then I’ve been scared about sharing. So the fact that I posted them online, in a forum that allowed people to comment was a big deal. I did expect laughter, I expected people to tell me I was crap at writing and shouldn’t post anything more. I expected ridicule. I didn’t get any of that. I got both supportive comments and constructive criticisms. It turned out to be an amazing experience for me, even with all the fears associated with it. I’m going to keep writing, keep trying to improve my skills. I remember a lecturer at teachers college saying that writing is like any art form, you have to practise it. You should write something every day, even if it isn’t good. I’m going to try that. Not sure how much I’ll post publicly, and for now its just fanfic, but it’s a start of something that makes me feel good. I am close to considering myself a writer.
Ok, I know probably more than this happened over the eight months, but for now I can’t think of anything important to say. I am going to try to get back to journaling regularly. Hopefully.
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03.24.07
Posted in Multiplicity, Recovery, Relationships, Trauma at 4:55 pm by TheShire
We were out doing the laundry. One of us decided we needed to keep up appearances of being normal and together even though its so fucking obvious we aren’t. hell I mean we couldn’t even manage to go to the supermarket today. We got half a block from home and panicked so much we couldn’t even turn around and come home. We had to stand there doing deep breathing and self talk and all the other bullshit we could remember just to be able to get everyone calm enough to turn around and come home. So yeah, we’re fine really. And I am finding it rather hard to talk about all this right now without individualising us. I know there are issues about identifying ourselves right now, but you know we sat last night and bitched amongst ourselves that no one in our life treats us like we are multiple and even multiple friends approach us as if we are one person. (Hey, maybe that means that have worked out we are faking *chuckler*) We don’t let other people get to know us individually and yet we are upset when they treat us like one conglomeration, so yes I see the contradiction there, and how difficult it is for other people. But in saying that, I do also think there’s a number of people that even if the body changed, or we had a neon flashing sign above our head they would continue with their approach to us.
So where was I, oh yes the laundry. She’s out there hanging out the laundry, hoping that if “they” see she can be all normal, that she can keep the house clean and maintain appropriate behaviour that somehow “they” will let everything be ok forever. Yes I know it makes no sense, and even she doesn’t know who “they” are, but that’s how her thinking seems to work. She never manages though, especially on the tidying part, since the rest of us are such lazy dirty bastards, but still she keeps trying. So there she is out in the sun, hanging up laundry and hoping no one comes near her because even though she wants to me normal she is also consumed with terror being around other people. But it wasn’t’ a day were she had to deal with that. Instead it was a day where the other person out trying to enjoy the sun kept hallucinating and we couldn’t seem to calm her. Every time the hand stretched up to the clothes line the image hit her like a wave, a metal spike driven through flesh, searing pain and thick dark blood running down pale skin. She should have left then she should have gone home where the images might not have followed, or there could have been help and solace for her. But like most of us when we are triggered like that we get rooted to this world, stuck in the feelings and the moment and stuck alongside that in the body. The girl hanging out the washing continued to do so. She was aware of the crying behind her, of the frantic conversations, but she remained calm pegging clean clothes out to dry because that dear people is what we do, we must always appear calm no matter what is happening.
We are feeling so completely alone. We have spent most of the morning wandering around the places we go online, trying to think about talking, to share, maybe not our strife right now, but just our lives. And the thing we have found is we don’t feel like we belong to any of them. We do we stay places, because at least being able to read other people’s thoughts, opinions and journeys we feel we are part of the world, an observer rather than a resident. We can participate of course, but this always brings with it the feeling of participation from the outside. And again we don’t’ really feel this is anyone’s fault. It is hard to feel like you belong when you don’t join into things regularly, and just because I am in a group with another group of people that isn’t any guarantee that there is any type of relationship there. Recently we asked someone if they would “friend” us on their livejournal journal. Which basically means giving me access to read what they write. You know that was a big deal for us to ask, but that’s a different topic. So anyway, this group friends us, and we start reading what they have to say, we find their ideas and words very interesting. So anyway a couple of days later we go back to their journal and find that they have changed their minds and unfriended us. Yes at first we were deeply hurt, we thought it meant the world had found out what a bad evil people we are, yes we can be so overdramatic at times. And now after some time has passed. Sure it’s still a little disappointing not to be given access, but the thing is that group of people hardly know us and might feel weird about strangers rummaging around in their journal. They also might know us a little and think we are compete nutters. Or to put it more politely, disagree with many of our beliefs, opinions and politics. The point is I suppose, I belong to a number of online communities and email lists (far less than we used to) and I don’t think I have any actual friends on any of them. I have people I talk to, I have people by the nature of reading the same list, that I share things with, there are even a few people that I continue talking with offlist, but they are few. I know my definition of friend is probably narrower than a lot of people. And I know this is not the time for me to be “counting” friends as my outlook on such things is very bleak. But even when times are less fraught my list of friends is pretty small. It’s one of the reasons I have never worried about securing this journal, because aside from the spammers the readership is extremely low.
God I am getting distracted all over the place today, and its not like I can even blame other people for taking over. So where was I? Oh yeah the feeling of being completely alone, isolated and a fucked up mess. Ha, no wonder I distracted myself, that’s hardly cheery reading. It’s a beautiful day here today, the sun is shining, and I have so much I should be doing. I have to get stuck into my study, someone wants to make Curry for dinner but instead we all just sit here and feel weighed down and alone. We get triggered by the heat, we berate ourselves for not being able to hold it together and we look for someone to help although we know there is no one there, no one to rush to and curl up and say we can’t do this anymore. We need a time out, we need to the world to stop spinning long enough to allow us all to catch our breath. But there isn’t anyone to go to, there isn’t anyone that gets it, or is psychic enough to get what it is we need in return. And no it isn’t just that we need to tell people want we need because although we know what that it it isn’t a knowledge that we can yet put words on. Sometimes there is a feeling of what isn’t right, what doesn’t sit right with us. But now isn’t the time to trust that I don’t think, because nothing sits right, everything catches like a cracked fingernail. I know when I am like that, when things get to me. There are a lot of things I have come to realise are never going to change, nothing I can say or do will make any real difference so its better to just let them go, to leave them lying there and move on. One of those things has been that CRA is ritual abuse, that there is a difference between what happened to us and being told you are going to go to hell because you were bad. Now I am not saying the latter isn’t hurtful, I am just tired of people equating it as the same thing.
And yes this could get me into a major rant about something we usually work so hard not to say because we are terrified it sounds “dick-sizing” and we don’t’ want to do that, we don’t want to be one of those people, but you know, to be honest it’s there, at the back of my mind wanting voice. Maybe I should write it one day and put it somewhere totally private, therefore it can be dick-sizing without anyone knowing. God I am so pathetic.
Ok enough of this shit, I’m posting this so you can go and make that curry, or again we will end up having toast for dinner.
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