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the mad phd?

5 March, 2013 in Multiplicity, Recovery, Study, writing | 2 comments

I have recently begun another journal/blog. This one is for a specific purpose. It is a chronicle of a crazy person’s journey to get her PhD. I consider it auto-ethnographic. Mostly because that sounds really important and cool, more so than calling it a blog, yes I really am becoming an academic snob. I don’t know if I can call it an auto-ethnography though, because I’m not sure of all the criteria for that, and I might run into issues of consent, but in my own mind that is what it is.

I want to write a blunt and raw account of this journey for me/us. I don’t want to hide the issues I face, or pretend. People always say, oh everyone has to deal with this, and I want scream no they don’t. Everyone might have moments of feeling like crap after a supervisor’s meeting but how many of them wake up the next day with four toenails missing and their labia raw and bloody. And yes I am aware that’s an extreme example, but it is a reality we live with. It won’t stop us, but it is… different. So I think about writing about this stuff, the really bad stuff, the slightly annoying stuff, the amusing stuff. The achievements we fight hard for, the unexpected rewards, the times when I want to throw it all in. I want to laugh about the crazy, to analysis it, to share the stumbles and the moments of amazement. So I started a livejournal account for it, and have a plan.

And here is the bit I don’t know if it is such a good idea. Now that I’ve started it, I get this urge to publicise it, to make it known and allow anyone to read it. Other students, and lecturers, even my supervisors. I do not know if any of them would read it, but it would be about making it known. There is a college postgrad blog I could link it to. It is not the how to make it public that is the question, it is the should we. I recently watched a youtube vid of a lecture a third year student gave about mpd/did. She did really well actually, and it was part of my inspiration. I can’t imagine the university asking me to do something similar, but then again, they don’t know I’m here. But I could imagine myself doing this project, letting people follow the journey. I just don’t know if there would be major repercussions of doing so.

I know I really want to do it, but I also know I need to be realistic.

bits, pieces, and worries

10 June, 2010 in Just Stuff, Study, writing | 3 comments

I couldn’t find any rhubarb in the supermarket. That makes me sad. I have such a craving for rhubarb and custard and was going to have it for dinner.

I’m still sick, it’s still bloody cold. But at least the heater is working again.

I’m starting to freak out about school. I’ve been hidden away from people for so long, and the idea of being around so many it just making me freak out. I’m scared I’m going to be ridiculed and laughed out. I’m scared I won’t do a good job. I’m scared that I’m not intelligent enough. All the crap that usually sits in my brain is screaming out again. Oh how I love being fucked in the head.

Recently my cat has decided my forearms are her cushions. She gets up on the table, climbs over me, then annoys the crap out of me until she can get into place and then simply lies down, resting herself on them. I drink coffee, type on the computer and she’ll just lie there until she’s bored and wanders off. Now I’ve pushed her off and dumped her on the floor, but she just looks at me in disgust and climbs back up to settle down again.

I opened up my livejournal a few weeks ago with the sole purpose of getting back into writing fiction. Since I opened it, well I haven’t been able to write. I think I’ve scared myself with the idea of actually letting people read my fiction. I love writing. I really do. Sometimes when I’ve finished a piece I can actually, very momentarily, allow myself to feel some pride. But the thought that others will read it, judge it as being awful, think I’m crazy, I just suddenly am bombarded with being a loser, with having thoughts of grandeur. It’s the same thing I used to talk to Sean about when it came to school, that I’ll be discovered as a huge fraud and hurt for it. The sucky part, I’m missing writing.

another attempt to come back

17 July, 2008 in Just Stuff, Recovery, writing | Permalink

I haven’t really been journalling because life and my fucked-up-ness really got hold of me. I just shut down, pulled away from everyone and gave up for quite some time. I’ve had a couple of attempts to pull myself out of that, and this is the latest one. I hope it works, because I do need to find a life that is more than staring at the walls.

One of the things I stopped doing was going to school. I didn’t withdraw I just stopped. I’m trying to fix the problems that caused now, but again its looking like this mental health shit will terribly effect my chances at getting into Masters. My mother rang last night, it was awkward because she’s decided that she should ask about school all the time, I think that’s a reaction to me getting my degree and never telling her. Anyway, I had to bullshit my way through it because I don’t want to talk to her about being sick. Hell even if I did want to talk to her about it she gets angry and defensive whenever it comes up, so I lie about going to school and doing the work.

I’m speaking with the disability service people to see if they can help me sort all this. I am hoping I can get retro-active withdraws rather than fails that will help in the long term and they are helping me work out what it is I need to do to finish my post-grad diploma.

Let’s see, what else. I have almost finished a round of groups. Sean wanted us to go because he could see how isolated we were becoming. I’m not sure how much it helped to not isolate, but for 90 minutes a week I was around other people. Now the last time I went to these groups they were an utter disaster. I was attacked, belittled and blamed. It was horrendous so I had concerns going in. This group has been better, yeah there’s a couple of people that get on my nerves, but not in a traumatic way. I’ve also done some rather intensive work in the group that we are quite proud of.

I also did a stupid thing a few months ago and gave Brian another chance with me. I thought he was serious about being willing to commit. I took it slowly, wanting to be sure, then the day after he tells me all he wants is to be mine he practically disappears. I still saw him come online, the time I messaged him he said he was busy, and then all the other times he never even said hello. That guy has so many commitment issues its just not funny. I’m kicking myself for thinking it would be different this time. I feel like he played me, although I can see this is totally about his own issues and not about me, but damn it pissed me off.

I’ve still been writing, most of it I don’t share, but I’ve been brave again and created a public livejournal writtenhistory to post some of the fanfic I thought was good enough to share, and also discussions about fandoms I am really into. I’ve found I’m a bit of a feedback whore. I wrote a fic for a live journal community and got so much good feedback and was named the fic of the week. It was very encouraging and made me want to write more. It’s still scary to share, I still pretty certain I am crap at what I do but it is helping me be more open and brave.

I’ve decided to try to give up smoking again, I simply can’t afford it anymore. I love smoking, I want to smoke. But I can’t find the money, and well my cough is back and the asthma is playing up. So its time to give that up. I managed for about 9 months last time so hopefully it will work this time.

with the smell of pork cooking

25 March, 2008 in Family, Recovery, writing | Permalink

So we see Sean tomorrow after about a month without therapy and we’re very nervous about it. Not just that we are worried that our fears are right and he’ll end up saying he doesn’t want to see me anymore, but also having to talk about the stuff we tried to bury (unsuccessfully) these last couple of months. We have class first, and then will have to walk from school down to see him, so it’s going to be quite a nerve wracking day. He’s in new offices, which are in a much better place, but I hate his office, it’s too small and too close to the waiting room. It’s been taking a while to get use to the change; we still don’t handle change that well.

My mother is back from her visit to my brother. She did her usual thing, my brother’s word is god, and I know nothing. It was silly, I mean it was simply over a Dan Brown book. According to my brother Angels and Demons is far better than the DaVinci Code. Now I don’t agree, I enjoyed them both, but to me the Da Vinci Code was the better book. I read it before all the hype, and really enjoyed the themes in it. It wasn’t that my brother’s opinion was different than mine, I’m sure there are people that agree, but rather when I gave mine my mother completely dismissed it since my brother told her something different. At first it really brushed me up the wrong way, I made some slightly sarky comment about it, which she either wasn’t listening to or ignored. Then I just put it aside, I mean this is my mother, she’s always going to be that way. She won’t read the Da Vinci Code because my brother said it wasn’t that good, and well, one never disputes him. It’s something she does all the time, it’s her way of reinforcing my place in the family and I suppose it’s up to me to not allow her to do that.

I know she’s annoyed with me for not asking about her holiday, but since there’s a rule now that we simply don’t want to know anything about my brother, that we’ve effectively removed him from our life, there was really no way to ask without giving her the opening. And well, that would just be asking for trouble. She doesn’t get it, she won’t believe we can stand for ourselves and stay hold of our principles. Which again, isn’t that surprising since for years we’ve always been so scared and backed down from her, given in to try to keep her happy. It’s like the whole rule about never going back to visit her unless we have our own transport. It doesn’t matter how much we tell her that she still expects us to back down. Oh the joys of having a controlling mother. Our thoughts have been tainted a lot lately with family issues, having been brought up by feelings about our father. The thing is of course, can’t think about those issues with him without connecting them with our mother. And I noticed as I write this how much we are avoiding the word “abuse” now that’s not a good sign.

We’ve been thinking a bit about putting our fanfic up on this journal, putting it in separate pages so that friends that might come back to read the journal could read it too, but so terribly nervous about that. We were posting them on livejournal for a while, but have stopped that. Well sort of stopped, been putting it somewhere else where only a couple of people can read it. I love writing, sometimes I think I might even be not a bad writer, but mostly I just fear anyone that reads it will laugh and call it crap. It’s only really fanfic we are writing, especially now we are back to our Doctor Who and Torchwood obsession. We don’t have a beta (editor) which would probably make the writing better, but it’s so hard to even consider someone helping that way. Still, there is this little part of me that wonders what it would be like to share it more publicly, to get feedback and encouragement.

Ok, with all that said and done, I need to go and cook my dinner. Well actually need to go check to see if the pork is burning.