Thanks guys, itâ€™s hard not to know what is an appropriate expectation. We for the most part, have accepted our mother isnâ€™t going to be the one that shows us pride and celebration. But one of us is still holding on, still going to the letterbox every day with a hope that sheâ€™ll find something from her. Sheâ€™s still caught up in wanting something that will never come. Years, decades, this is why when I hear â€˜time healsâ€™ I want to throw something. Time doesnâ€™t do a damn thing, the only healing that happens is when people do that themselves. And Iâ€™m not saying sheâ€™s been completely lazy and hasnâ€™t done anything, but in this one area she still hasnâ€™t been able to step outside of it, and find a way to set it aside. With her grief and need, and our confusion about what is unrealistic and what is not, the whole thing becomes confusing. I would like to say that we are all at the point where we no longer want a loving supportive family, where it no longer hurts that my family doesnâ€™t give a shit about me, will never acknowledge my success, or even see it as a success. But Iâ€™m not there, and I wonder if itâ€™s even possible to be there. I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ll ever just not want a family that loves me, but I do hope, and work towards when that isnâ€™t heartbreaking.
So been a few days, Iâ€™ll leave that top bit up though.
I have itchy labia. I think it might be a delayed reaction to the antibiotics, so itâ€™s probably thrush. Oh joy of joys, and oh how fucking triggering. But avoiding thinking about that Iâ€™m going to bitch about search results online. These are supposedly medical sites, that talk about itchiness of the inner walls of your vagina. Now at first I thought they were actually talking about the inside of your vagina, but know they mean labia, and they label womenâ€™s genitals as her vagina. Are we really still that clueless? The answer appears to be yes. And I know this is a sore spot for me, since Iâ€™m doing a lot of research into educating young people about their bodies, their sexuality and sexual maturity. So incase youâ€™re reading this and wondering what Iâ€™m on about. The word for the general genital area is vulva, the labia are the fleshy areas, sometimes called lips that run along the outside of the womenâ€™s genitalia, and the vagina is the opening and tube that goes inside a womanâ€™s body. Thereâ€™s also the clitoris, urethra and rectum, but I wonâ€™t get into all that. It surprises me, and saddens me that so many donâ€™t realise something like that. You know, it would be like a man with itchy balls going, man my penis is itchy today. But then no one mistakes the penis and the testicles.
My motherâ€™s best friend died this week. Sheâ€™s been a friend of the family for a couple of decades. When she was alive my mother was always bitching about her and how annoying she was and so on. But thatâ€™s my mother, thatâ€™s how she is about people. Itâ€™s her BPD stuff I think. Doesnâ€™t really matter, I know that for my mother the other woman was her best friend. She rang me to tell me. I said the right things, well the socially right thing, I probably pissed my mother off because, again, sheâ€™s my mother. Joyce was a nice woman, old fashioned, and a bit of a hypochondriac but she was a woman of her generation in a lot of ways. Iâ€™m not sad sheâ€™s dead, I mean by that, I wasnâ€™t that emotionally invested in her life, so her death doesnâ€™t impact me. My mother hasnâ€™t contacted me again about funerals or anything. Thereâ€™s probably a major reason for that, to do with my mother being the way she is, but it doesnâ€™t directly affect me so she can be as insane and vindictive as she wants. But at least I wonâ€™t have to deal with refusing to go.
I lost my wallet yesterday. Ok it was only temporary but it was enough to make me freak. I have a little more cash this week because my electricity bill was low. So when I went into get my shopping I decided to stop off for coffee on the way. I brought my coffee and sat down at a table. There was a newspaper there, and usually I donâ€™t bother with the local newspaper, but was bored. I finish my coffee and head to the supermarket. Do my whole weekâ€™s shopping, calculator in hand to ensure I donâ€™t go over budget. Was unpacking the trolley onto the conveyor belt thing and I reached for my wallet from my bag only to find it was missing. I had to quickly get everything back in my trolley, step out of line so the next person could get their shopping done. I thought maybe it dropped out, or I left it at the counter for some reason, I went and asked and some annoying woman told me it wasnâ€™t there. I say annoying because she acted like me asking if my wallet had been handed in was a massive inconvenience to her life. I was frustrated with her and probably would have said something if I wasnâ€™t already panicking about having lost not only all my weekâ€™s money, but also my bus pass, my eftpos, my university ID. So I couldnâ€™t even get home, without a very long walk. I was heading to the police station (next door to the supermarket) when I thought I should at least check the last place I used it. It was such a relief when I walked in and the barista gave me a pleased smile of recognition. Yes I left it behind under the newspaper I was reading. But for half an hour there it was a major freaking panic moment.
And because I’ve been watching a lot of QI lately