08.02.10
Posted in Study at 4:59 pm by TheShire
So first the crappy stuff. It was crappy but it wasn’t ‘crazy’ crappy, it was technical insanity. My laptop wouldn’t find a connection, even though according to the IT guy it was working. Not so bad, I had the desktop the university provided. However, that system refused to acknowledge my usb drive, so I couldn’t get the files I took down. Again not so bad, just one more issue they need to look at. So I start looking for journal articles, and then find they set me up to a printer that doesn’t exist. So basically I couldn’t print anything off. Reading off the computer screen fucks with my brain, the words just become scribbles when its reading I have to concentrate on to understand.
Now, those things were irritating, but not the end of the world. Most I just have to wait for others to deal with. Another woman in the room said I could email her some of my files and she’s print them for me, so that gave me something we could do. The rest, doesn’t stop me doing anything.
The better stuff. I’ve started. This is such a big deal, I’m so freaking bouncy about it. Yes I still have all the insanity working my brain, but that’s not going to suddenly disappear. But I went and saw my supervisor, set up an appointment with her for a couple of weeks. I have a plan, I know what I’m doing. It’s all new and slow, but I’ve got a structure of things to do.
The bus worked out well, going down the bus picks me up about 8:20 in the morning and drops me off about a block from where my desk is. I still am not sure what time the bus picks me up to go home, when I was leaving another one of the people was heading out and she gave me a lift. Was extremely nice of her, and although part of me wanted to say no, felt I was imposing and shouldn’t accept it, I forced myself to. Because it’s the social thing to do, a way to connect with people that I’ll be spending a lot of time with, and also I keep reminding myself that when people volunteer something it’s nice to say yes thank you. So I still have to work out bus times home, but at least I know where it stops.
So tomorrow I’m going to get some filing stuff, set up my area. I want to work it well and have my study area feel comfortable for me. I have lit reviews to do, re-establish my understanding of post-structuralism, and start to work out interview questions. So yes, things are going well.
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07.29.10
Posted in Study at 5:00 pm by TheShire
Yesterday I went down to the University and was shown where they want me to do my study. All post-graduate students have their own desks. It was in a room with about another eight people, which freaked me out a little. But it ended up in a relatively private spot. Technically I share the area with another woman, but she’s only in the office about once a month. It turned out to be a great spot for me, and I’m actually looking forward to using it. It felt safe and secure, and academic.
I didn’t know how I’d feel about studying away from home. But I got the feeling that although I can do the work at home, there isn’t that mindset attached with studying when I’m home, I’ll be distracted and out of rhythm. So the plan, as it stands, is to go down to the University at least 3 times a week, work in my spot. I’m actually looking forward to setting up my area and getting started.
I checked out the bus timetable, and it seems there’s a bus that goes almost all the way down to where I need to be, one in the morning to go down and one to come home. It will mean a god damn awful early start, and home around 3:30 in the afternoon. So I’ll have about 6 hours of study down there which seems to work well. I can always continue study at home, and I will probably have at least one day when I study at home. So a good compromise.
I’m mostly in a good mindset about starting. Yes I’m going to have to deal with my anxiety issues, and I still am freaking out a little about seeing my supervisor. But I also know how much I want to do this, this is doing something that’s been important for me for a long time. I’ll learn to adjust to the higher levels of agoraphobia and my social phobia. I’ll deal with all the flashback type reactions to going to school again.
Also I’m so going to have to give up smoking. This is going to cost me extra in bus fare and lunch. I’m also going to probably have to deal with eating breakfast since I’ll be up and active early in the mornings. All of which are going to take some extra budgeting. But those are things I can work out. I’m just, well not excited, but more focused on the positive feelings about going to school than swamped in just the negative.
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07.17.10
Posted in Study at 2:42 pm by TheShire
Man the pink is PINK. We are so going to have to change this.
I finally got off my arse and did something about school. I still feel terrified, but hiding my head in the sand will just end up making me feel worse when I see that I’ve lost my chance at that. So I sucked it up and rang the University. I’m supposed to be starting my Masters on the 1st of August and still hadn’t heard anything about what the plan was.
So without knowing what the hell I was doing or doing it with, I ended up ringing the number of my congratulations you’ve been accepted letter. Wrong person to talk to, so she said ring someone else. No she didn’t tell me who the someone else was, nor was she in any way helpful. So as you can guess the panic started raising and I ended up ringing through to the College of Education, since that was where I had to hand in my application forms. The receptionist put me through to some guy, who basically didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. Maybe he was busy or something, because really how difficult is it to understand ‘I’d like to talk to someone in regards to starting my post-graduate study in August’. He ended up transferring me to another number, and I got some woman and explained again why I was calling. This woman also wasn’t the right person, but she took the time to work through what information I did have, as in the acceptance letter, and eventually we found the right name on it and she transferred me to that number. Unfortunately there I got the answering machine, and god do I hate those things.
Eventually, that afternoon, Julie rang back, she sounded flustered, so I am assuming she also had one of those busy hectic days. But instead of brushing me off she was actually helpful (yes I know, how shocking). She asked if I had heard from Susan, my supervisor, which I hadn’t. But considering she’s on leave until August that’s understandable. But also Susan is the one person I’m most scared about meeting up in all this, so for a moment the fact she hadn’t contacted me just forced all my fears to the surface. My panic got a little out of control and the noise rushing in my head was drowning out her voice, fortunately we were able to quickly do the switching thing and I was able to sit behind Kat as she took over. Years of doing this practice have come in handy, as I was able to still gain the information through Kat. So eventually they worked out that I need to ring next week with a time that suits us to come in and be shown the room I will be assigned to. Kat wasn’t able to make a set date, and Julie needed the time to organise things.
I’m going to make an appointment with Disability Services too. There probably isn’t a lot they can do for us, the things we need aren’t really available. But they can support me through what I need to do to get all set up, and they know us enough to deal with the panic and confusion that’s bound to occur. I know I’ll need to get a student ID, and arrange to get forms set. I also need to go to IT and get a license for endnote. I am tempted to use my student loan and just buy the programme but I think it would be easier right now to just go through IT, so I can get their support with it.
I actually feel reasonably good that I did something. I know my usual response to anxiety and insanity to shut stuff out and just ignore it. I just get too worked up and too confused, and it reminds me on how unwell I still am. So if I don’t do anything I can just pretend to myself that its about laziness rather than crazy shit. I prefer to be lazy than crazy. But I’ve started now, and next week I will go down to the University and work my way slowly through what has to be done, and just hope I don’t freak out too much.
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06.10.10
Posted in Just Stuff, Study, writing at 4:36 pm by TheShire
I couldn’t find any rhubarb in the supermarket. That makes me sad. I have such a craving for rhubarb and custard and was going to have it for dinner.
I’m still sick, it’s still bloody cold. But at least the heater is working again.
I’m starting to freak out about school. I’ve been hidden away from people for so long, and the idea of being around so many it just making me freak out. I’m scared I’m going to be ridiculed and laughed out. I’m scared I won’t do a good job. I’m scared that I’m not intelligent enough. All the crap that usually sits in my brain is screaming out again. Oh how I love being fucked in the head.
Recently my cat has decided my forearms are her cushions. She gets up on the table, climbs over me, then annoys the crap out of me until she can get into place and then simply lies down, resting herself on them. I drink coffee, type on the computer and she’ll just lie there until she’s bored and wanders off. Now I’ve pushed her off and dumped her on the floor, but she just looks at me in disgust and climbs back up to settle down again.
I opened up my livejournal a few weeks ago with the sole purpose of getting back into writing fiction. Since I opened it, well I haven’t been able to write. I think I’ve scared myself with the idea of actually letting people read my fiction. I love writing. I really do. Sometimes when I’ve finished a piece I can actually, very momentarily, allow myself to feel some pride. But the thought that others will read it, judge it as being awful, think I’m crazy, I just suddenly am bombarded with being a loser, with having thoughts of grandeur. It’s the same thing I used to talk to Sean about when it came to school, that I’ll be discovered as a huge fraud and hurt for it. The sucky part, I’m missing writing.
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05.22.10
Posted in Study at 3:51 pm by TheShire
I just got accepted to Masters… I just got accepted to Masters… I just got accepted to Masters…
This is the letter I just opened.
Dear Shire
I write to advise you that you have been admitted to the Master of Arts course in Education, by thesis
Congratulations on your successful application and best wishes for your studies.
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05.10.10
Posted in Study at 9:40 pm by TheShire
I have posted my application for Masters today. Now its time for the scheduled mental collapse, oh yay
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05.03.10
Posted in Study at 12:12 am by TheShire
As part of my Master’s application I have to write a brief proposal of what I want to study. I am of course still following the whole sexuality education area, but I can’t decide which one to do. The Menstruation one would be the easiest, but the idea of sex in sexuality education is the most interesting to me. I have to decide by tomorrow when I post in my application…. eep.
Discourses in society around menstruation often present it as unhygienic and problematic. These discourses are held as ‘common sense’ and therefore seen as true and unquestionable. This ‘truth’ is often incorporated into the discourses used during education about puberty and menstruation. Menstruation as the key component of puberty for girls is therefore portrayed as unwelcome and unpleasant, and therefore something to dreaded.
Teaching about puberty is not the only source of information children get, but it has the potential to be either the most damaging or beneficial to young people’s attitudes about themselves and their own bodies. If puberty education presents a bleak picture of menstruation it continues to reinforce the dominant discourses that the female body is a site solely for reproduction, and the cause of hygiene and personal stress.
The purpose of this Master’s proposal is to use a feminist post-structural framework to investigate how we present menstruation to young people within puberty education. By looking at the discourses within classroom teaching material and discussions and how they affect young people’s views about menstruation, I will identify approaches that promote positive identification, and those that reinforce negative attitudes. Using that information an approach to puberty education that presents positive female subjectivities, and discourses that challenge the dominant hegemony can be developed.
Reference:
Diorio, J.A. & Munro, J.A (2000) Doing Harm in the Name of Protection: menstruation as a topic for sex education. Gender and Education. 12(3), p347-365
Sex in Sexuality Education
In 1988 Michelle Fine proposed there was a missing discourse of desire within sexuality education. This claim has been investigated and supported by a number of researchers over the years (Allen, 2004; Bay-Cheng, 2003; Burns, 2000; Tolman, 1994). This research has aided in the move of sexuality education from discourses of biology, disease prevention and danger towards more inclusion of relationship and emotional intimacy.
The sexuality education often offered by New Zealand schools works to address the social, personal and interpersonal aspects of relationships and presents physical, emotional and social knowledge about sexual development. However there seems to still be an absence of physical sexual desire presented. There is little to no discussion of sex within sexuality education. While we talk about sexual disease, pregnancy, emotional intimacy and sexual danger, knowledge about sexual performance and pleasure is kept on the margins, hinted at without fully expressed.
Allen (2006) and Measor (2004) both mention a call from students to include information about physical sexual behaviour within sexuality education. And although some of this may be attributed to students wishing to be disruptive and maintaining their image and power position in their peer group, it also points to a need for information and knowledge that is often assumed to already be known.
The purpose of this Master’s proposal is to look into what student’s desire from sexuality education with particular focus on the physical and sexual. Are the expressed interest in sexual experience information about causing disruption and embarrassment, or do young people have an actual need for information that they are not getting from other sources. As well as looking at student’s interests and needs from sexuality education, I will also investigate how the inclusion of sexual information will affect the sexuality education programme and the teachers required to present it.
References:
Allen, L. (2004). Beyond the birds and the bees: Constituting a discourse of erotics in sexuality education. Gender and Education, 16(2), 151-167.
Allen, L. (2006). “looking at the real thing”: Young men, pornography, and sexuality education. Discourse: studies in the cultural politics of education, 27(1), 69-83.
Bay-Cheng, L. Y. (2003). The trouble of teen sex: The construction of adolescent sexuality through school-based sexuality education. Sex Education, 3(1), 61-74.
Burns, M. (2000). ‘what’s the word?’ A feminist poststructuralist reading of the nz family planning association’s sexuality education booklet. Women’s Studies Journal, 16(1), 115-139.
Fine, M. (1988). Sexuality, schooling, and adolescent females: The missing discourse of desire. Harvard Educational Review, 58(1), 29-51.
Measor, L. (2004). Young people’s views of sex education: Gender, information and knowledge. Sex Education, 4(2), 153-166.
Tolman, D. L. (1994). Doing desire: Adolescent girls’ struggles for/with sexuality. Gender and Society, 8(3), 324-342.
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12.12.09
Posted in Study at 10:00 am by TheShire
So it’s official, the paper I did crap in, I was given my grade and it’s a B-. It was what I was expecting, I am still kicking myself about it. It’s a fucking terrible grade, and I’m so disappointed in myself. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I had a grade that low, so yeah, a little upset. I’m a little ashamed of having to tell people it’s a B-, but there’s also this part of me that goes, ‘see, I’m not really intelligent, it’s all been a big lie.’
But aside from that fucked up stuff in my head, I’ve been trying to be rational about all this. As I’ve said before, to get into Masters you need a B+ average and I have that. My grade marks for my PGDA are an A, an A-, a B+ and this B-. So it will work out as either a high B+ average or a low A- average. It isn’t a grade average I would have liked, but it is still enough to allow me to apply to the Masters programme. I was reminded yesterday that one of the reasons they do an average rather than a individual grade requirement is often students will drop low in one paper and this takes that into account.
My main problem now is not one that is related to me having ‘issues’ but rather a ‘normal’ problem probably everyone that applies for Masters has to deal with. As part of the application you have to include a short (about a page) proposal for what you want to do for your thesis. My problem isn’t finding something to do, but rather deciding on which one I want to do. Over the last couple of years when I realised Masters was an option I made a list of thesis proposals I wanted to do, and have currently narrowed it down to two. I’ve now got to decide which one to do.
Oh yeah I saw Susan yesterday about the article. I had sent her the literature review. I was a little worried it didn’t sound academic enough. Now I’m not saying I thought it was crap, more, well there’s a standard for academic journals, a sound to them and I thought mine sounded too much like a student’s essay and not enough like a academic journal. It’s only natural as that’s where my experience lies. Susan seemed to think it was ok, and in fact the only major comment was about the size. The article needs to be about 6000 words, the literature review and methodology part needs to be about 1/3, so about 2000 words. My literature review alone is 3500, so yes, I’ve been a little wordy. How unusual. So we decided I should work on the Findings section this time and that will help me edit what needs to be in the lit review.
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11.04.09
Posted in Study at 10:43 pm by TheShire
So, for some good news.
I went and saw Susan today. She’s the woman who supervised my 480, and will hopefully supervise my Masters. We discussed me writing an article for publication based on my 480 research. This is something that came up a couple of years ago when I did the 480, but I freaked out and ran away to hide. Recently Sean convinced me to ask her if it was possible to still do it. I did, she said yes.
Today I went to see her about setting up a schedule, about what things I need to do. We discussed which academic journal to submit to. We decided in Gender and Education. She seemed hesitant at first in choosing that one, at the time I wasn’t sure why. But it turns out that it is in the top 5 of all academic journals for the field of education. That makes it highly prestigious and they have very high standards. To think I could have an article published in that journal is a thrill although a scary one. It will mean I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, and Susan will be co-authoring it with me. The co-author part doesn’t worry me. I’m not just going to get an acknowledgement as a researcher, my name will still be on the article, plus knowing she’ll be there helping me write and edit it is actually a relief.
I do have a lot of work to do. My first good draft for the lit review is due on the 5th of Dec. I’m nervous, it’s such a big deal for me, but for the first time in a while those nerves are also greatly tinged with excitement. I thought about posting the 480 here, but well, it’s rather boring unless you are interested in sexuality education research. Although I can see me sending a number of the journals to people if I ever do get up with a published article, whether they want to read it or not.
It’s so good to feel inspired again.
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10.25.09
Posted in Recovery, Study at 3:20 pm by TheShire
So on the active day. I’ve talked to WINZ about a disability allowance. I am not sure how much I will get and it will not fully cover therapy if they give it to me at all. But I’m thinking, well of doing something I shouldn’t. That is, if I state I am going to therapy every week then there might be enough to cover therapy once a month. It would be better than nothing, but I’m not sure I can get away with it. I’m just still really terrified about not having therapy.
The other thing I’ve been trying to do is get information about what my options for Masters might be. There is a part of me that still hopes my average would go out to a B+ but I can’t let myself hope right now, I’m too fragile, there’s too much to lose if I think positively. I hate how important this is to me, and how because others know the level of desire I have for it I’ve allowed them a way in to hurt me.
I’ve been trying to distract today. I should get started on the article writing for my 480. It is something I want, I want to say I’ve been published. Hell, even if I end up never getting into Masters at least that’s one thing I will have achieved. But it’s too raw today. I will do it, I have made that promise to myself.
Ok so its been a day. Yesterday was hard. I did try to be positive. You see, to get into Master’s you need a B+ average. I know I have an A, A- and at least a B+ already, and its likely that the paper I fucked up on I’ll get a B- for. So I’m thinking if I take the A down to a B+ that will bring the B- up to a B+, which then gives me three B+’s and an A-. So if they average it out it will be a B+ and maybe that will be enough. And the A- is in an independently run paper rather than a class based one. So do I hope? Trouble is, there’s still too much of my crazy brain that says hoping and wanting is what made all this go wrong. Which I know is stupid, because what went wrong was I fucked up. But a life has taught me that to want, to dream only brings disappointment if I’m lucky and more than likely intense punishments. I did so much work on my recovery to think I could say I’m an academic nerd, that its ok to find studying and writing and being political a positive and fun thing. I thought I could acknowledge my goals, acknowledge my desire to do something without the risk of that knowledge then becoming something to beat me down with. And maybe it is safe, I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel it right now. So I can’t let myself hope it’s just damn scary right now. And yet, even as I write this there’s that small part at the back of my head going, all is not lost.
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