Tonight I had another session with him. It was a lot more enjoyable. I still don’t feel I would ever want a full relationship with him. He’s a nice guy but there’s absolutely no spark, no buzz that I have had with others. But the time we spent together was a lot more easy and free-flowing. I’m now far more content about continuing with him. I got far more out of the play with him today than last time and it felt more comfortable.

Still looking for someone to have a proper relationship with, but I can see me getting some enjoyment from this until then.

We seem to have a lot in common and at this time are looking for the same thing. I know my ideal dream would be to find someone that is right for me and develop a full on relationship with, but at the same time I’ve come to see that as a dream that won’t work in reality. I’m not being all negative or pessimistic; I do feel I am being realistic. It isn’t about settling, it’s about what I am capable of creating for myself.

When I first started talking with Owen he kept saying he wanted something ‘casual’. I thought, well that won’t work for me, I don’t want to be someone’s free fuck. But after talking a bit more, getting more information, his definition of casual is different than mine. For me, casual means turning up for sex when the guy is horny, without any connection or interaction. For him it meant developing a friendship, liking someone as a person as well as creating a sexual connection. This I can do, in fact right now, this is probably all I’m capable of giving someone. I don’t want to do the love, living together thing. In a way it’s like dating without any assumption of moving from that.

So we are going to meet on Monday. He lives in central Otago, it isn’t a long drive, only about an hour and half from his place to mine. He’s down for business, so we’ll meet, and see if we both want to continue. He said on the phone last night he’s keen and unless there’s something really wrong with me, then he’s going to be willing to continue. Of course, I’m suspect. I have some major self-image crap to deal with, the belief no one will ever willingly want to spend time with me. I’ll deal, bury it the best I can when I meet him. Because face it, doing the ‘god I’m so revolting’ is not a good way to approach someone.

It’s been a while since I’ve dommed someone. The last few encounters I have had have been about topping without domination. I don’t like doing that, I get nothing out of it without the addition of the dynamic. He seems to want to submit as much as anything else. This, if it happens, will be a casual thing, so I won’t have that much control over his life, but we have already discussed enforcement of beneficial behaviour and rules. So I see him offering submission, not just wanting me to top him.

So I’ll meet him for lunch on Monday, and see how it goes. I’m nervous, but it’s a good nervous.

Now, those things were irritating, but not the end of the world. Most I just have to wait for others to deal with. Another woman in the room said I could email her some of my files and she’s print them for me, so that gave me something we could do. The rest, doesn’t stop me doing anything.

The better stuff. I’ve started. This is such a big deal, I’m so freaking bouncy about it. Yes I still have all the insanity working my brain, but that’s not going to suddenly disappear. But I went and saw my supervisor, set up an appointment with her for a couple of weeks. I have a plan, I know what I’m doing. It’s all new and slow, but I’ve got a structure of things to do.

The bus worked out well, going down the bus picks me up about 8:20 in the morning and drops me off about a block from where my desk is. I still am not sure what time the bus picks me up to go home, when I was leaving another one of the people was heading out and she gave me a lift. Was extremely nice of her, and although part of me wanted to say no, felt I was imposing and shouldn’t accept it, I forced myself to. Because it’s the social thing to do, a way to connect with people that I’ll be spending a lot of time with, and also I keep reminding myself that when people volunteer something it’s nice to say yes thank you. So I still have to work out bus times home, but at least I know where it stops.

So tomorrow I’m going to get some filing stuff, set up my area. I want to work it well and have my study area feel comfortable for me. I have lit reviews to do, re-establish my understanding of post-structuralism, and start to work out interview questions. So yes, things are going well.

I didn’t know how I’d feel about studying away from home. But I got the feeling that although I can do the work at home, there isn’t that mindset attached with studying when I’m home, I’ll be distracted and out of rhythm. So the plan, as it stands, is to go down to the University at least 3 times a week, work in my spot. I’m actually looking forward to setting up my area and getting started.

I checked out the bus timetable, and it seems there’s a bus that goes almost all the way down to where I need to be, one in the morning to go down and one to come home. It will mean a god damn awful early start, and home around 3:30 in the afternoon. So I’ll have about 6 hours of study down there which seems to work well. I can always continue study at home, and I will probably have at least one day when I study at home. So a good compromise.

I’m mostly in a good mindset about starting. Yes I’m going to have to deal with my anxiety issues, and I still am freaking out a little about seeing my supervisor. But I also know how much I want to do this, this is doing something that’s been important for me for a long time. I’ll learn to adjust to the higher levels of agoraphobia and my social phobia. I’ll deal with all the flashback type reactions to going to school again.

Also I’m so going to have to give up smoking. This is going to cost me extra in bus fare and lunch. I’m also going to probably have to deal with eating breakfast since I’ll be up and active early in the mornings. All of which are going to take some extra budgeting. But those are things I can work out. I’m just, well not excited, but more focused on the positive feelings about going to school than swamped in just the negative.

I’ve just gotten up and closed the blinds. The hope is if I don’t see the tree then I’m not going to freak. I feel really crappy about closing the curtains at 1:30 in the afternoon, but if anything can cut these reactions down I’m going to try it.

There’s been nightmares as well. Can’t remember what they are, but we wake up tears in our eyes, feeling wrung out. I don’t know what has sparked all this off. It doesn’t seem to me to be a reaction to going back to school. Sure I’m dealing, or trying to deal, with the anxiety of being out in the world, and actually doing something that makes me feel proud (and isn’t that the worst of all sins). But the abuse stuff, the fear that my grandmother is in the room, or my mother, that someone is just about to attack me.

See now that I write this I’m wondering. Is it the whole, I’m being too proud, too unacceptable, too full of myself? Those things, in the past always got me hurt. If I felt good about an achievement, or expressed an interest in something that was deemed unacceptable, then all hell would come down on me. So now, am I remembering that, on some level, and think I’m going to be punished for it all. They’ll know, they’ll get me, I’ll pay.

I finally got off my arse and did something about school. I still feel terrified, but hiding my head in the sand will just end up making me feel worse when I see that I’ve lost my chance at that. So I sucked it up and rang the University. I’m supposed to be starting my Masters on the 1st of August and still hadn’t heard anything about what the plan was.

So without knowing what the hell I was doing or doing it with, I ended up ringing the number of my congratulations you’ve been accepted letter. Wrong person to talk to, so she said ring someone else. No she didn’t tell me who the someone else was, nor was she in any way helpful. So as you can guess the panic started raising and I ended up ringing through to the College of Education, since that was where I had to hand in my application forms. The receptionist put me through to some guy, who basically didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. Maybe he was busy or something, because really how difficult is it to understand ‘I’d like to talk to someone in regards to starting my post-graduate study in August’. He ended up transferring me to another number, and I got some woman and explained again why I was calling. This woman also wasn’t the right person, but she took the time to work through what information I did have, as in the acceptance letter, and eventually we found the right name on it and she transferred me to that number. Unfortunately there I got the answering machine, and god do I hate those things.

Eventually, that afternoon, Julie rang back, she sounded flustered, so I am assuming she also had one of those busy hectic days. But instead of brushing me off she was actually helpful (yes I know, how shocking). She asked if I had heard from Susan, my supervisor, which I hadn’t. But considering she’s on leave until August that’s understandable. But also Susan is the one person I’m most scared about meeting up in all this, so for a moment the fact she hadn’t contacted me just forced all my fears to the surface. My panic got a little out of control and the noise rushing in my head was drowning out her voice, fortunately we were able to quickly do the switching thing and I was able to sit behind Kat as she took over. Years of doing this practice have come in handy, as I was able to still gain the information through Kat. So eventually they worked out that I need to ring next week with a time that suits us to come in and be shown the room I will be assigned to. Kat wasn’t able to make a set date, and Julie needed the time to organise things.

I’m going to make an appointment with Disability Services too. There probably isn’t a lot they can do for us, the things we need aren’t really available. But they can support me through what I need to do to get all set up, and they know us enough to deal with the panic and confusion that’s bound to occur. I know I’ll need to get a student ID, and arrange to get forms set. I also need to go to IT and get a license for endnote. I am tempted to use my student loan and just buy the programme but I think it would be easier right now to just go through IT, so I can get their support with it.

I actually feel reasonably good that I did something. I know my usual response to anxiety and insanity to shut stuff out and just ignore it. I just get too worked up and too confused, and it reminds me on how unwell I still am. So if I don’t do anything I can just pretend to myself that its about laziness rather than crazy shit. I prefer to be lazy than crazy. But I’ve started now, and next week I will go down to the University and work my way slowly through what has to be done, and just hope I don’t freak out too much.

So for now… PINK!!

My other issue is this time around I have no transport. University isn’t on a major bus route which in itself I think is really bad planning. But even if it was, it means I can’t just get home when I am overwhelmed, I have to get to a bus stop and wait with people, get on a bus where I’m trapped until I can get home. It’s not the best plan, but since I don’t have a couple of thousand to get a new bike I can’t really see any other options. The one plan I’m going to do, is put about $30 in my wallet, no matter what always have that much on me, so if it’s really bad, if I can’t see me getting on a bus without screaming, at least I’ll have enough for a taxi ride home.

My head starts making up all these doomsday scenarios, where I am hated, laughed out and abused. I see my supervisor telling me she won’t work with me, failing everything I do. I see the other post-graduate students refusing to work in the same office as me. There is a part of me that knows it’s all anxiety based nonsense, but I can’t shake the feeling. But every night I’m having those mental panic attacks where my mind just goes on and on, I can’t stop it without unhealthy intervention.

And yes, the unhealthy shit is coming on full force. Fortunately for me, my unhealthy stuff is so minor, it isn’t life threatening or requiring intervention. I don’t take drugs or drink, I don’t starve myself. My self harm doesn’t require medical attention, it’s just gross and painful but because it’s somewhere no one sees the gross part isn’t an issue. I’m eating too much, food makes me feel empty physically and mentally. My OCD is becoming irritating and panic inducing, and I’m being all flashbacky. So yay school I’m so excited.