December 2005

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perhaps a girlfriend

29 December, 2005 in Relationships | Permalink

Over the last couple of weeks I have tried to do a catch up, to write about why I haven’t been writing and then fill things in about what’s been happening with us. Each time I start one of those journal entries it ends up being trashed. So today I thought I would forget all that and just start with where things are right now.

A couple of days ago I rang a woman I have been emailing a few times. The phone conversation was going really well and eventually I asked where she lived. Well as it turned out not far from me, to be exact about it, three houses away on the other side of the street. So after a few more minutes I head up there for coffee. She’s a big but attractive woman, it’s funny I can see attractiveness in other big women, but never in myself. So anyway, we chat for a while, the normal get to know you stuff. It went well, and later that night she came down to my place, and we stayed up until about 2 am. It was a long night, but at the time I didn’t notice it. We ended up getting slightly sexual, ok a lot sexual. Man I’ve missed being with a woman.

There were a couple of little freak outs. Well the first one wasn’t really a freak out, more a slightly amusing but uncertain aspect. She works as a therapist doing psycho-drama and art therapy in the local private psychiatric hospital. I have to say I am not sure about dating a therapist, it seems a little weird. The other was a little more freak out, it was connected to something I can’t work out what yet. We were fooling around and she was lying on the floor in her underwear and I looked down and saw how big she was, and there was this instant reaction. It wasn’t that I no longer found her attractive, physical or sexually, as I write this now, I think it was fear, but I don’t know what the fear was about. It took me a moment or two to just relax and pull myself out of it. And then everything was fine.

I just took a break from this and was texting her. She was complaining about all her friends wanting to catch up with her because she is off work for a few weeks, and made some comment about having no time for herself, or for a relationship. Now it might just be complaining, but instantly I wonder if she is hinting at breaking up with me, at saying she doesn’t want to continue. This might just be my crap rearing it’s head, it might be that I am so use to rejection that I see it in innocent comments. But now I wonder if it will continue, if she has changed her mind.

-BloodsKiss

Got my Boots

11 December, 2005 in Just Stuff | Permalink

I got my boots. They are mine, they are my style. Of course everyone else will wear them as well, we don’t have the money to have individual wardrobes. These however are MY boots. I think they look pretty unisex for men’s shoes. Although the shop assistant didn’t seem to think so. Don’t care. They are cool. Others here would have liked more woman shoes, but we don’t have the feet for it. Anyway small and elegant isn’t really my style. I’m so pleased. Most expensive pair of shoes we have brought in a long time, but they look good, feel ok, and will last. Photo doesn’t really do them justice. You can’t really see the metal or the details, but still I’m damn happy



PS: It’s a terrible thing to be walking around town and have your knickers keep falling down. We brought a new pair, but they are far too big, or not enough elastic or some crap. Had to yank them up every dozen steps.

-Frankie

Boots Broadband and Chocolate

10 December, 2005 in Just Stuff | Permalink

Today has been a good day. Actually this week has mostly gone ok. Today we got all productive, spent too much money and had a few beers. I got up early this morning, my body I think is into the routine. But it was nice, I start around and went slowly about the process of waking up. No mad dash to get everything sorted so I could head out to work. Eventually we made our way down to town, needing to get a couple of things for the chocolate making, and the cat food we forgot to get in our grocery shop. After that we were dragged off to look at shoes. Not that I mind much, the pair I am wearing are completely fucked, I think the only thing that is holding them together is desperation. We didn’t have much luck at the cheap place, nothing that really jumped out, so we went off to Dowson’s. Now there was even less appealing there, the women’s shoes were all too small, and the men’s shoes were terribly man-ish. Heading out Frankie saw a pair in the window that she just loved. They are men’s boots, but they looked cool. Even I admit they weren’t that bad. A lot more than I usually spend on shoes, but we are working and although most of the money will go on getting our bike fixed, we can and probably should get ourselves a decent pair of shoes. We didn’t have the money with us at the time, so I was a little reluctant about trying them on. The 10’s were slightly too big, and the lady said she would get the 9’s out of the window but I pushed in and said no that’s it’s ok. Since I didn’t have the money I didn’t want her going to too much trouble. After there we looked at other places, and although there were a nice, but plain pair of Doc’s at WildPair they were far more expensive and we kept thinking of the boots in Dowson’s. So I think I will transfer the money then go down there tomorrow, hopefully they are open on Sunday.

Once home I rang up Slingshot and arranged to go onto Broadband. I still have to pay the modem bill, which I will do tomorrow or Monday depending on whether the post shop is open. The deal I ended up getting isn’t too bad. They aren’t offering unlimited anymore, but I have a deal with 3gig, $10 free tolls, and option to buy more gig at a reasonable rate. And this works out about what I was hoping to spend. So I am happy about that. So now with broadband and my new DVD drive, my computer is a wonderful thing.

I also managed to get my washing done before Kate took over to make the chocolates. She has been working away in the kitchen most of the afternoon. We couldn’t believe it got to be 6pm already. I am kind of giving Kate a wide berth right now, as I am still pretty fucked off at her. I know I should be more tolerant, she is working through her own stuff, and I know I hate it when people try to get me to have the same processes as they have. But when people do that to me I can avoid them when I am tetchy about it, with Kate I have to live with her. We will work it out we always do. And at least she is not caught up in that mind numbing depression anymore. Which is an improvement.

-Isabella

Oh No

5 December, 2005 in Just Stuff | Permalink

chick

Fucking Stupid

4 December, 2005 in Vents | 4 comments

So my mother and father were down today. We were sitting in the car heading out to the Normandy for lunch (which turned out to be terrible so we didn’t stay there) and I suddenly hear Kate talking to our mother. Before anyone could react she was telling them how we have graduated with our BA and are trying to get into Masters. Everyone was screaming at Kate to shut up but she had manoeuvred herself into full executive control and couldn’t be budged, and she wouldn’t shut her mouth. It didn’t go badly, but we know our mother, this will be ammunition for her, this will come back to hit us in the gut. It isn’t just paranoia, over thirty years living with the woman has taught us enough about her. And man are we all so pissed at Kate right now. She has been driving us all insane clinging to a belief that none of the abuse happened, that we are just bad and evil and making up terrible stories to hurt people and get attention. But this, this is too much. We are a peaceful community on a whole, and technically she hasn’t broken any rules that would bring sanctions, but I just want to kill her. Fuck I understand she has issues, and she has been working through them, but to slip so far back into being Mum’s little slave daughter is infuriating. And worse she is dragging all of us into this mess. I don’t know what she was expecting, not approval, she knows mum hates our intelligence. Maybe it was the hope Mum’s anger would give her an out, would make it possible to abandon study, to try to be a “good daughter”. Mum didn’t get angry though, and that probably had to do with the timing. She said that’s nice, and when Kate tried to explain more shut her down with the usual, oh I don’t understand that stuff. Which isn’t a request for more information, it is a shut the fuck up statement. I’m so pissed at Kate right now.

-Isabella

Another form of crazy

3 December, 2005 in Relationships | Permalink

I have a habit of attracting weirdoes. Recently there was the guy that said he liked big women and with his help he could get my weight up to 150kgs. There was the guy that wanted a relationship but didn’t see why I wanted to be able to have conversations with him, that I should be find with not ever really talking. There was the racist prick that thought he knew more and better than everyone and used to get really angry when the world didn’t fall down and worship his greatness. And the guy in Hamilton that believed life on earth was an alien experiment, ok that might not be that bad, but the fact he still lived at home with mum and dad and lead a bland reserved life was. And in the past few months, I have been offered money to allow a guy to have sex with Brian, and another woman who seems desperate for sex has offered me $200 because I wouldn’t do the casual sex thing with her. Somehow being paid (and therefore called a whore) is going to make me feel just wonderful about doing something I have already said I don’t want to do. Oh yeah then there is a guy in Italy that can’t see why I just don’t pack up my life move to Italy, even though I don’t speak the language, couldn’t get a job, have only talked to him on yahoo, therefore never seeing him, meeting him, and spending any real time with him.

Then came along Brian, who was ordinary, not in the boring way, just not all bug-fuck crazy. He had his quirks and strange bits, just nothing that made me want to run screaming from the room. He makes/made us feel good, he made us feel important, special, cared about. Of all the guys we have been with he’s probably the one that made us feel the best. Although I think that has something to do with the timing, with the fact we were more allowing of that stuff. So all is wonderful, except of course we have picked a guy who has some major screwed up relationship issues. I talked to him again last night. He seems very depressed and down on himself for how this has all worked out, but he also doesn’t seem to want to make a change. He talks about how miserable he is without us in his life, but he can’t see that it is his choice, that we didn’t actually dump him, we asked for more and he was unwilling to give us that. He says he has some problems with relationships “probably because of some things from my childhood”. Which you know I get, I understand people having screwed up issues in their lives. But what I don’t get is that people can just sit with that, that they can be miserable and fucked up and hate it but not be willing to do a damn thing about it. I know people can be that way, I know a few people that are. I just don’t get how or why people just sit there with that crap. I know it’s difficult, I know it’s painful and long and hard work, but if your life is making you so miserable why would you just sit there and accept that. Even if our attempts to change our lives, our thinking, our behaviours haven’t always been what you would call successful, we keep trying. We have told Brian what we want, what would make this relationship work. He doesn’t say he doesn’t want to do that, he doesn’t say much actually, other than he needs us, but he also doesn’t do anything. All the right words that come out of his mouth mean little if he isn’t willing to do any work towards changing things.

So it seems I have moved from one sort of crazy to another, although lesser form of crazy. Maybe it’s a progression, maybe I am moving up the scale of craziness and eventually I will meet a normal person who likes me as a person, and actually wants to put the effort into a relationship with me. Not sure I agree with that, but it’s a theory. I remember Sean saying that I attract people that won’t committed, and what I need to do is go out with someone that I am not attracted to because they are probably what I am really looking for.

-BloodsKiss