Over the last couple of weeks I have tried to do a catch up, to write about why I havenâ€™t been writing and then fill things in about whatâ€™s been happening with us. Each time I start one of those journal entries it ends up being trashed. So today I thought I would forget all that and just start with where things are right now.
A couple of days ago I rang a woman I have been emailing a few times. The phone conversation was going really well and eventually I asked where she lived. Well as it turned out not far from me, to be exact about it, three houses away on the other side of the street. So after a few more minutes I head up there for coffee. Sheâ€™s a big but attractive woman, itâ€™s funny I can see attractiveness in other big women, but never in myself. So anyway, we chat for a while, the normal get to know you stuff. It went well, and later that night she came down to my place, and we stayed up until about 2 am. It was a long night, but at the time I didnâ€™t notice it. We ended up getting slightly sexual, ok a lot sexual. Man Iâ€™ve missed being with a woman.
There were a couple of little freak outs. Well the first one wasnâ€™t really a freak out, more a slightly amusing but uncertain aspect. She works as a therapist doing psycho-drama and art therapy in the local private psychiatric hospital. I have to say I am not sure about dating a therapist, it seems a little weird. The other was a little more freak out, it was connected to something I canâ€™t work out what yet. We were fooling around and she was lying on the floor in her underwear and I looked down and saw how big she was, and there was this instant reaction. It wasnâ€™t that I no longer found her attractive, physical or sexually, as I write this now, I think it was fear, but I donâ€™t know what the fear was about. It took me a moment or two to just relax and pull myself out of it. And then everything was fine.
I just took a break from this and was texting her. She was complaining about all her friends wanting to catch up with her because she is off work for a few weeks, and made some comment about having no time for herself, or for a relationship. Now it might just be complaining, but instantly I wonder if she is hinting at breaking up with me, at saying she doesnâ€™t want to continue. This might just be my crap rearing itâ€™s head, it might be that I am so use to rejection that I see it in innocent comments. But now I wonder if it will continue, if she has changed her mind.