04.30.06
Protected: to make a start
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04.18.06
Easter and Dad
Another Easter over, I don’t know if I would say it was a better one, it was different. Although in writing that I do think we are getting better at handling Easter. It is still traumatic, it is still trigger and flashback hell, but we are learning to cope with it without losing the plot entirely.
This year was different too, because we had D. with us. We were concerned we wouldn’t be able to keep a handle on things. People said we should let him in, telling him about what was going on for us. But I think Easter is too bizarre and extreme. I don’t want to chase this guy away. We aren’t keeping him out of our past, we have told him we were abused, and giving bits of information here and there, but Easter would be too much too soon. So we wanted to keep things to a minimum on Friday, not lose ourselves in the past when he was there, and we managed that. We brought an airbed so we could sleep together rather than him sleeping on the floor and me in my bed. It was nice to have him beside me. When we went to bed on Friday night, our strength to keep the past away weakened. Lying in the dark the fear and pain came back and we tried to hold it off. Someone took one of the pills that usually knock us out. It got us off to sleep but our night was full of nightmares. The good thing, a couple of times when we woke up we found his arms softly around us. It wasn’t triggering because it was a gentle hold, and we knew who he was. For a long time we have always wanted someone to hold us when we come out of flashbacks, when things get bad, this time we had that. I think we must have been crying out or tossing or something, he didn’t say anything about it, just cuddled into me. Usually when we are sleeping he doesn’t do that, so it felt different this time. The rest of the time he was here things were pretty normal. He was sick so we didn’t do much, and I didn’t get triggered by anything.
But on Sunday and Monday when we were alone it was harder to keep it all tightly bound down. They were shocking days when we couldn’t quite keep ourselves in the present for any length of time. It was like straddling two worlds, neither of them entirely real. We did manage it, it wasn’t easy and managing doesn’t mean it wasn’t terrible, but we stayed safe, we didn’t do anything that I would consider inappropriate, so that is managing. We used to think managing meant we had to be totally fine, without distress, but I am learning that isn’t possible, or even realistic. Managing distress isn’t the removal of distress, rather it is about feeling and thinking but still living and holding onto life.
My Mum rang on Sunday and when she asked Dad if he wanted to talk to me he said no. That’s ok, Dad isn’t great on the phone even when he was well. I wasn’t upset about that, but then less than a minute later the phone rang again and it was Mum. Dad didn’t understand it was me on the phone when he was asked so wanted her to ring me back so he could talk. We talked for a couple of minutes. He is very confused and still haven’t trouble speaking, but he sounds, well not happier, but more relaxed than when he was in hospital. At the end of the call he told me he loved me which was nice to hear. When we said goodbye we could tell he was crying. When I hung up I had a cry myself. I now really want to go up there and visit him while he is still at this level. It will be a while though before we can make it, because we have to get our bike fixed. The gasket is stuffed, and getting worse so we will need to get a new one of those before making the trip. And then we have to find time in our schedule to get up there. We will only spend the night and come home the next day. Partly this is because I don’t think Dad could handle too much change right now, and partly we aren’t comfortable with spending too much time there either. I don’t know how long he has got, I don’t know when he will start deteriorating. It’s hard to just wait, knowing it will happen, but not knowing the time frame. I don’t think I am really thinking about him dying, well, no that isn’t entirely true. I think about it, but as yet I don’t think of it happening soon. That will probably become real when he gets sicker, when he can’t be up and about like he is now. Then I will have to deal with the next level of this process.
04.01.06
General thanks
I want to thank everyone who is leaving their best thoughts for us in our comments, or via email. We read them and they do mean a lot to us. We just aren’t in a place where we can respond directly. But we do want to know how much we appreciate all your support