So we finally had one of those duh well of course moments.  We couldn’t work out why it was so hard to reconnect with a couple of friends even though for the most part we have come out of the downward spiral.  (Still dealing with some heavy shit, but the intensity is now at a manageable, at least for us, level).  We were talking the other night in bed, something we do a lot when we can’t sleep.  A bunch of us sort of crowd into the body and have these conversations, often really deep ones.  Why we do it in the body I have no idea.  So we were talking about isolation, and so many other things, some I might bring up later as they are very meaningful.  Anyway, so we were talking about how hard it was to find that connection with people, discussing whether it was a dissociation thing interfering, that we were disconnected, depersonalised from others.  But it didn’t feel like that, there wasn’t that “tip of the tongue” feeling we get when that happens.  Then with all the ideas rushing around someone finally said, well the connection isn’t in place because the ED groups has changed.  Now this usually isn’t a problem because, as with some people in our lives now, the change happens with practices smoothness, a connection with our outside life is made fully before the old ED group leaves.  However with some of our friends because the change happened when we were very isolated that passing of connection didn’t happen.  Now before any friends reading this think they have lost our friendship because of that start to panic, it isn’t lost, it just takes a lot more work on our part to regain the cohesiveness.  Sometime we long for the old days that when the change in group happened we would just say goodbye to everything and everyone and move on, its why we never had any long friends.  But that was terribly unhealthy and the reality of it was depressing and isolating.  It’s why we learnt this passing across practice, so we can maintain our friendships.  As I said this usually goes smoothly, most people aren’t all that aware of the change in the ED group unless they know what to look for.  So now we know what the problem is we can work around it.  There is always a possibility some people might not like us as much as they did when we were the old group, hmm, now this gets hard to explain because its not like the old people aren’t around anymore, just not as likely to be here on a regular basis.  We have always struggled to explain this process to other people.  Maybe one day I should try to sit down and write this out in a detailed way.  Maybe…
 

The other interesting little bit of information that came from that discussion we still don’t know how to process.  It seems the last time we were up there, my mother got a little drunk and we were having this deep and meaningful information.  I remember this a little because I remember Rowna giving away some information that we were in shock we were speaking about with my mother.  I mean this isn’t even something we talk about in open journal.  We were talking about that in bed when Shannon said, oh and I told our mother we were abused as a child.  Now this might seem like nothing major to say, considering it is our mother that is one of our abusers.  But we have never mentioned that to mum before and no one here had any plans to do it.  So this bit of news sent panic and fear through the community.  All for nothing it seems, my mother at the time and since seems to have ignored that bit of information.  Here’s the strange thing to us, well maybe not that strange considering its our mother, but at the time she asked very little.  Her only response was to make sure we weren’t saying Dad abused us, now considering he was only dead a couple of weeks I understand why that question came, we assured her that Dad didn’t abuse us.  Also I think her mind went there because the likelihood is her own father abused her.  But when we told her it wasn’t him she asked nothing more.  Now I know its my mother I shouldn’t’ expect her to behave in a normal way, but I am trying to work it out.  If your adult child told you she was sexually abused as a child, wouldn’t you, no matter how drunk you were, want to know more, or bring it up later.  Of course again, I understand her not really wanting to ask the question, afraid probably of the answer.  But the fact is we don’t have a clue what to do with this event, how to process or work through it.  
 

Ok Ally is bugging me *waves to Ally* so I will finish this here.  Will probably write more about this tomorrow as I think we will bring it up in therapy.