Well again its been a while since we sat down to write anything here, there is so much going on, and yet most of it is internal mind shit, so on the outside it looks like we are doing nothing with our time.
Â I had a week with David before again he is out of contact, this time however he has assured me he will write to me every day.Â He has really close friends over for two weeks, and because of people and finances he is letting one couple have his flat and is sleeping at the apartment with the other couple, so I donâ€™t get to chat with him at night.Â We have had a couple of deep and meaningful discussions about our future this last week, a few things that we had to sort out.Â Hopefully they are settled.Â One is the job situation, simply put if he canâ€™t find a job in Dunedin he might have to go to Blenheim or the Hawkes Bay for a job. Â He brought this up on Thursday when I was overly tired from not sleeping and stressed from therapy so I didnâ€™t handle it that well.Â But after some thought the next day, well if I have to move, I will move. Â I would prefer for him to find something in Dunedin, it would be easier for me, it would mean there is less changes all happening at once if he did, but the truth is, if we have to move then we will move.Â I do not know what will happen with school if that happens but again the consensus is that we do not want to put things on hold, that we want to get on and live our life.Â We are almost 40, we canâ€™t keep waiting for life to happen.Â The other discussion was on the nature of our relationship, I did my best to reassure him that it is what we both want, and together we will work to continue that. Neither of us want the â€œnormalâ€ vanilla type relationship, neither of us would be happy with that.Â I think he is concerned that I will move into being a â€œwifeâ€ if we move in together and without any real proof otherwise I suppose that fear is natural. Â Our alternative stuff has been hard to maintain living away from each other, so I did my best to ensure him I am not going to just change everything when we are together.Â I ended up doing a lot of reassuring this week, it sort of helped my own fears a little.Â I am trying to ignore my motherâ€™s voice in my head, her constant message that I would screw it all up, that I am some sort of bad person that canâ€™t live with others.Â The trouble is with that, my past backs her up, it is hard to see proof she is full of crap.Â We are trying to remind ourselves that we have changed a lot since the last time we tried to live with someone, that we have grown, that we arenâ€™t so wrapped up in being what we were taught to be.Â And if I let my fear that my mother is right take over then I will never find out the truth.Â What will happen will happen.
Â You know ideally I think it would be quite good to eventually move up to the Hawkes Bay.Â Ideally a year in Dunedin to get comfortable with living with each other and then we move.Â We have always thought it would be great to live somewhere else, but have been too scared to just move ourselves.Â There would have been too many changes to face at once, too hard to find a job, a home a therapist without any support, so we have taken the easy way out and stayed here.Â When David said it wasnâ€™t very slave of him to drag his Mistress around the country I laughed.Â I said it would be ok, a necessity because right now he is the one with the job prospects.Â But there is more to it than that, I said he would also be providing me with another adventure. And thatâ€™s how I see it, if we can get comfortable living together here first, it will be an exciting adventure to move somewhere new, to see what life offers in a new place.Â Also I had to laugh and say it would also take me further away from my mother and that is definitely a plus.Â This is one of the reasons I will make sure my mother never hears of these plans until they are under way.Â I know she would do anything she could to sabotage it, to prevent me â€œescaping herâ€.Â Especially now that I think she is slowly starting to see the escape happening in other ways.Â I believe that is one of the reasons she is making attempts to tighten her hold lately.
Â This is going to be the first holidays, Christmas and the New Year David and I have had together.Â Unfortunately it isnâ€™t going to be the best first we could have.Â We are dealing with our own intense stress about Christmas with the family and he has said that he is not looking forward to it himself with his own issues. Â His grief about his father, his concerns about his mother. We will do our best I think to make it a good time but we are both a little overwhelmed right now.Â I have to admit I am looking forward to New Yearâ€™s Eve, to seeing it in with someone special.Â It has been years, since we did anything on that night, and I canâ€™t remember ever doing it with someone that we have become so attached to.