I just saw the Trailer for season four of Doctor Who and I am having a complete squeal moment. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am that much of a geek.
You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2008.
I think I accidentally deleted a comment from Sassy, so if I did, Iâ€™m sorry. I get hit by so much spam that I was getting rid of it all, and when I pressed the button I was like oops, too late. If you want to mark me again, please do and Iâ€™ll pay better attentionâ€¦ bad me. Just realised we get email notification, so was able to go off and read it. So not feeling as bad.
Therapy wasnâ€™t as bad as we thought it would be. We do this, get a notion in our head, its just an idea but then it becomes a fact and we canâ€™t believe anything other than that notion will happen. It gets to when we are rather obsessed with believing it. So anyway, he had no intention of cancelling therapy, it just happened that on the Wednesday I sent the email someone with the 4:30 appointment decided they had reached a point where they were ready to leave therapy.
So we went over the email I sent him that I thought was all whiney and he didnâ€™t. Thatâ€™ s par for the course really, and we struggled to acknowledge that we need a space to be the traumatised self. Itâ€™s not something we want to be all the time, but so much of our life now is being all normal and healthy and doing what is needed. We like that, we want that, but we also need a space where the damage can be. It takes the pressure off having to keep that all hidden. I think Sean got what we were trying to say, and he didnâ€™t tell us we were playing the Victim so maybe thatâ€™s a good thing.
He also told us group was starting next week and heâ€™d signed us up. I donâ€™t know how I feel about that, because the last group was extremely challenging and triggering for us. But we took good things from it, well actually not from the group itself but our ability to deal with it. Also because we hadnâ€™t been to therapy for so long we really didnâ€™t get a good chance to talk it over with Sean, and wonâ€™t until after it starts, since its Tuesday night the day before our next therapy. Iâ€™m still very ambivalent about it, I joked to a friend Iâ€™ll probably make the final decision 30 minutes before group starts because thatâ€™s when Iâ€™ll have to get to the bus if Iâ€™m going to go.
I had to skip class today because I couldnâ€™t find the extra 10 cents I needed for the bus. How pathetic is that, 10 cents. Of course now that I think about it probably good I couldnâ€™t because I just realised that if I did, then I would have found myself in town with no way to get home and that would have been a major panic attack right there.
So we see Sean tomorrow after about a month without therapy and weâ€™re very nervous about it. Not just that we are worried that our fears are right and heâ€™ll end up saying he doesnâ€™t want to see me anymore, but also having to talk about the stuff we tried to bury (unsuccessfully) these last couple of months. We have class first, and then will have to walk from school down to see him, so itâ€™s going to be quite a nerve wracking day. Heâ€™s in new offices, which are in a much better place, but I hate his office, itâ€™s too small and too close to the waiting room. Itâ€™s been taking a while to get use to the change; we still donâ€™t handle change that well.
My mother is back from her visit to my brother. She did her usual thing, my brotherâ€™s word is god, and I know nothing. It was silly, I mean it was simply over a Dan Brown book. According to my brother Angels and Demons is far better than the DaVinci Code. Now I donâ€™t agree, I enjoyed them both, but to me the Da Vinci Code was the better book. I read it before all the hype, and really enjoyed the themes in it. It wasnâ€™t that my brotherâ€™s opinion was different than mine, Iâ€™m sure there are people that agree, but rather when I gave mine my mother completely dismissed it since my brother told her something different. At first it really brushed me up the wrong way, I made some slightly sarky comment about it, which she either wasnâ€™t listening to or ignored. Then I just put it aside, I mean this is my mother, sheâ€™s always going to be that way. She wonâ€™t read the Da Vinci Code because my brother said it wasnâ€™t that good, and well, one never disputes him. Itâ€™s something she does all the time, itâ€™s her way of reinforcing my place in the family and I suppose itâ€™s up to me to not allow her to do that.
I know sheâ€™s annoyed with me for not asking about her holiday, but since thereâ€™s a rule now that we simply donâ€™t want to know anything about my brother, that weâ€™ve effectively removed him from our life, there was really no way to ask without giving her the opening. And well, that would just be asking for trouble. She doesnâ€™t get it, she wonâ€™t believe we can stand for ourselves and stay hold of our principles. Which again, isnâ€™t that surprising since for years weâ€™ve always been so scared and backed down from her, given in to try to keep her happy. Itâ€™s like the whole rule about never going back to visit her unless we have our own transport. It doesnâ€™t matter how much we tell her that she still expects us to back down. Oh the joys of having a controlling mother. Our thoughts have been tainted a lot lately with family issues, having been brought up by feelings about our father. The thing is of course, canâ€™t think about those issues with him without connecting them with our mother. And I noticed as I write this how much we are avoiding the word â€œabuseâ€ now thatâ€™s not a good sign.
Weâ€™ve been thinking a bit about putting our fanfic up on this journal, putting it in separate pages so that friends that might come back to read the journal could read it too, but so terribly nervous about that. We were posting them on livejournal for a while, but have stopped that. Well sort of stopped, been putting it somewhere else where only a couple of people can read it. I love writing, sometimes I think I might even be not a bad writer, but mostly I just fear anyone that reads it will laugh and call it crap. Itâ€™s only really fanfic we are writing, especially now we are back to our Doctor Who and Torchwood obsession. We donâ€™t have a beta (editor) which would probably make the writing better, but itâ€™s so hard to even consider someone helping that way. Still, there is this little part of me that wonders what it would be like to share it more publicly, to get feedback and encouragement.
Ok, with all that said and done, I need to go and cook my dinner. Well actually need to go check to see if the pork is burning.
So I havenâ€™t been journalling very much, probably because tehre doesnâ€™t seem a lot going on. Which is probably not really true, but rather hwat is going on seems somehow less important, less talkative. I mean does anyone read this, or will they read this since I havenâ€™t really posted in ages. Still Iâ€™ve been thinking about journaling again, so maybe Iâ€™ll get back into the rhythmn of it.
Iâ€™m back at school, really finding it hard to stay motivated. School is really hard, Iâ€™m doing 300 level sociology for credit towards my post-grad diploma so I can get into Masters. Iâ€™m really worried Iâ€™m not going to get into the programme due to a number of fails. Thereâ€™s still a way around all this, but its up in the air. And the paper Iâ€™m doing is really challenging, I like it, but itâ€™s a lot of work and Iâ€™m not sure Iâ€™m intelligent enough. Or have enough back knowledge.
I havenâ€™t been to therapy in ages. When school started I was scheduled for class the same time therapy, so I sent Sean a message. Since then he hasnâ€™t been able to find a slot for me. Last week we had a little meltdown and I wrote him an email. The same day he arranged an appointment for me next week. I have a feeling it only happened because of our explosion. So the plan is to ask him directly next week if he wants to stop seeing us. We need to know. Not sure how weâ€™ll handle it if he does, but Iâ€™m sure weâ€™ll cope somehow.
I need to acknowledge right now, that we have turned into a huge Whovian geek. Ok was always a bit of one once upon a time, but with the New Who, and Torchwood, we have become slightly obsessed. It is now our fandom of choice. I have series two and three of Dr Who on DVD, and will buy series one soon. Iâ€™m eagerly waiting for New Zealand to get the rights to Torchwood so I can buy those DVDâ€™s, for now Iâ€™m relying on downloading episodes. Seriously, Russell T. Davies is a god.
So this is basically my update, and I am hoping that I will write more from now on.