So now, my sex life, letâ€™s move from one disaster to another shall we.
I really donâ€™t know if anyone reads this anymore or if they do they have that good a memory. So, let me start a wee while back. I have had an ongoing relationship with a man called Brian for a while now. Well when I call it a relationship I think thatâ€™s really the wrong term and the root of all the confusion and frustration.
I have known Brian for a couple of years now, it started as casual sex and then friendship and casual sex. But for some reason over time that wasnâ€™t working for me, I felt, well I felt like a shameful secret, good enough to fuck just as long as no one knew you were doing it. So I gave him an ultimatum basically. Do more things that could be classed as dating or I canâ€™t do the sex thing anymore. It wasnâ€™t a threat or a manipulation it was just setting a boundary, and I actually felt good about it, even though it did mean that we stopped seeing each other. A few months after that I met David and started a relationship with him. Brian got into contact a few months later, and I told him that he had lost his chance, but the friendship offer was still on the table. And thatâ€™s what happened, for the next few months, we mostly just talked online, he popped in for coffee a couple of times, but there was nothing sexual about our friendship anymore.
Time moved on, David left me (bastard but thatâ€™s a different story), and quite a few months after that, well lets just say I was horny and one thing lead to another. It wasnâ€™t the smartest move, but hey, sex.. can be fun. And it actually got us talking, sharing some stuff. I didnâ€™t fall into the old patterns though, well not completely, there was a bit of fooling around, but sex was off the cards. Sometimes when heâ€™d pop in to see me there was a bit of touching, kissing and the like, all which lead to well, sexual frustration. He explained some of his personal hang-ups and I did my best to talk through them. He gave me his cell number and we went out, ended up having coffee in town, nothing big but still, I thought things were changing. Then in January he mentioned he was going out with his friends that night, normal conversation for us, until he said he wondered if I wanted to go with him. At first, yeah I thought it was a non-question, a would that be something you would do, rather than actually asking me out. It was though, he said he wanted me to come with him and when I said yes, he said heâ€™d text me back when he found out where they were going. A month and a half later Iâ€™m still waiting to hear from him.
I know itâ€™s over, I know I let someone in and got played for it. It hurts. Iâ€™m pissed I allowed myself to believe all the crap he told me, all those right things that made me feel special, that made it seem I was important to him. The scary thing is I think if he turned up, told me he just got frightened and wanted a second chance I would let him. It doesnâ€™t help I donâ€™t have a cadre of close friends to kick my arse for thinking about doing that. He was just someone that knew what to say to me, that could make me laugh, that could hold a proper conversation with, I donâ€™t think I ever got to the point of being in love with him, but I liked him an awful lot, enough that this really sucks.
Through Brian I met a friend of his, at least I met her online. The first wee while I knew her, well Iâ€™m not even sure I liked her, let alone why I kept talking to her. I think I sometimes find immature annoying people amusing sometimes. We did stop talking for a while though, when she said if we ever met she wouldnâ€™t take no for an answer and I wouldnâ€™t know what hit me. I told her I didnâ€™t really like spending time with rapists. The odd thing though was for a while sheâ€™d message me on MSN with â€œhiâ€ but before I even got a chance to find the h key to write hi back sheâ€™d signed off.
Last week however she stuck around to talk. We did talk quite a bit and it got deepish. I think it started when she brought up Brian, since heâ€™s a mutual friend. I told her I hated being played and was just going to remain single. She did her normal flirting, which is less flirting and direct sexual advances, but as I always blatantly ignore that sort of stuff it didnâ€™t last long. We actually got to talking, and she said that the last few months had lead her to look at her life and not like what she saw, that she was trying to make changes. Now the cynical jaded part of me thought, wow, thatâ€™s a different approach to getting in my pants. But I didnâ€™t say anything, I just responded to those sort of things how I always would. Honestly, bluntly, intelligently, without throwing my legs into the air screaming take me now.
Now to be honest I donâ€™t know if it was all a big act or not. We talked quite a bit then she vanished. It would appear she wasnâ€™t getting the responses she wanted and just gave up but she was also using MSN which isnâ€™t the most reliable medium to talk in. It has been two days since the abrupt end to the conversation so I am actually leaning towards the opinion she realised she was wasting her time. But it all got me thinking, about how I miss relationships, I miss the sex yes, but its more than that, I miss the interaction, the plain fact of having someone in the room with me. I doubt this woman was actually offering that but it just made it clear how long its been.
The other aspect that is really clear, it seems I am someone that is really good to talk to, someone people feel they can open up and share personal details with. Itâ€™s not just this woman or Brian. I met another guy a few weeks back, really cool guy and weâ€™re slowly developing a friendship by the looks of things. We met on a bdsm dating sight and after a couple of emails decided to meet in town. I didnâ€™t expect to see him again to be honest. We met, we talked, I left thinking nice guy donâ€™t want to kiss him. I had given him my email and cell phone though, because he was a nice guy and I really enjoyed talking with him. I didnâ€™t want him as a lover but he would have been nice as a friend. I thought though, no way would he contact me. I was surprised though after a couple of days to get a message from him saying the same sort of thing, an offer of friendship rather than romance.
People seem to like talking to me, seem to think I can keep stuff private, and listen without judgement, that I will be helpful, encouraging and supportive. Iâ€™m glad for that, I like having that, being that. I do like being the type of person others look to in that way but sometimes I want more that to be a mentor, confidante or friend, sometimes I also want to be special. Which brings me back in the circle of why I keep falling for Brianâ€™s game.