March 2009

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29 March, 2009 in Relationships, Study | Permalink

I have become rather addicted to the Daily Show. We get it in New Zealand, and its only a day behind, well its not really a day behind, it’s the whole time difference thing. I’ve been watching for a while and absolutely love it. Some of the stuff is totally American centric that I’m not sure about but the good thing about how widely sweeping American issues are, even I know what’s going on in this little corner of the world.

I ended up on their website and have been rewatching old interviews and segments. And I found the link to the Colbert Report. We don’t get that here, but after watching so many of the tosses, and the whole Steven/Jon/Conan fight during the writer’s strike I wanted to see what it was like, and I have to say I’m getting addicted to that too. I am turning into such a geek.

School, well I’m finally on track with that. I feel really good about it, although some of the readings are tough slog. I can’t read them online, I just get really dissoicative and blank out on what I’m reading so I’m having to spend a fortune on printing but I don’t really mind. I posted my first part tonight online and although I think its crap it’s done (and yes I’m aware everything I do I think is crap).

My love life is a fucking mess. I have these two, hell I don’t even know what to call them, so I’ll go for friends. Anyway, they both flirt. They both talk openly about sex, and I get the feeling they are both completely playing me. I like them sure, but one I’ve met and really like and he won’t commit, one talks to me all the time, says in amazing and she’s falling for me but wont’ even meet me. You know what I think it is, I think because I said I’m no longer willing to do the casual sex thing anymore I’m simply not worth the effort to put any real work into. Part of me just wants to say fuck it, I don’t care anymore, go away and leave me alone. But then I think I am so damn lonely most of the time that texting and messaging is better than complete aloneness. Man I’m that pathetic.

officially fucking weird

13 March, 2009 in Just Stuff | Permalink

I have panic attacks when I peel garlic. It only happens with garlic and only during the peeling process. I can chop it, cook with it, eat it without any trouble. I have no frecking clue why, its not like I have some secret garlic trauma in my past. But yet every time I peel the stuff I start shaking and want to curl up in a ball and scream.

the tampon crises

11 March, 2009 in Just Stuff | Permalink

It’s so frecking cold.

Bounces and Waves to Sassy.

Ok that’s done.

A few weeks ago I got my period. Nothing terribly odd about that except it was one of the major pushes for me to give up smoking. Let me explain and be warned this is probably going to be one of those squicky things for anyone that thinks menstruation should never be talked about.

So as I was saying I got my period, it came on a Friday, the day after I did my weekly shopping. I thought I had tampons in the cupboard but found none there. Now as fate would have it that period cycle turned into a normal one, which for me is abnormal. So I had 4 days of dealing with blood flow, and most of it a strong and steady flow (I did warn you). Now a box of tampons isn’t that expensive in the grand scheme of things, but as I wrote earlier, my finances were so tapped I couldn’t afford to feed myself some weeks so an extra 5 bucks just wasn’t available.

I couldn’t just shoot up to the supermarket the next day and get a box so I had to, well, improvise. Now if you consider we can’t use the pad type protection because they are just too triggering I’m sure you can understand how much worse it was having to use toilet paper to keep myself as clean as possible. It was a mess and we were so triggered I think we are still recovering from the experience. And the added humiliation of knowing how easy it would have been to prevent if we just had a little money, we decided it might be a good time to give up smoking.

So the reason I bring this up (other than to make readers go eww) is that this last week when I went down the hygiene aisle in the supermarket I thought about getting tampons, but decided I had another week at least until it arrived, and so I brought soap instead. I hate the smell of normal soaps, so buy either Dove or fancy stuff, its more expensive but at least I don’t go ick every time I wash. I have Johnson’s non-soap stuff in a pump but its just not pretty. God I just rambled about soap, anyway…. So I didn’t get the tampons, there is still a need to budget after all.

I get home, the next day I get my period. Yes I swear it’s a conspiracy. But this time, I had $10 in my wallet. It was a pain to get all the way to the store again and sad that my “coffee” money had to go on something else, but it wasn’t the trigger fest of the week before and I didn’t feel like I was a complete loser. As much as I miss smoking, its things like that that remind me why I have said goodbye to my dirty, and well loved habit.

I can so talk to you

8 March, 2009 in Relationships | Permalink

So now, my sex life, let’s move from one disaster to another shall we.

I really don’t know if anyone reads this anymore or if they do they have that good a memory. So, let me start a wee while back. I have had an ongoing relationship with a man called Brian for a while now. Well when I call it a relationship I think that’s really the wrong term and the root of all the confusion and frustration.

I have known Brian for a couple of years now, it started as casual sex and then friendship and casual sex. But for some reason over time that wasn’t working for me, I felt, well I felt like a shameful secret, good enough to fuck just as long as no one knew you were doing it. So I gave him an ultimatum basically. Do more things that could be classed as dating or I can’t do the sex thing anymore. It wasn’t a threat or a manipulation it was just setting a boundary, and I actually felt good about it, even though it did mean that we stopped seeing each other. A few months after that I met David and started a relationship with him. Brian got into contact a few months later, and I told him that he had lost his chance, but the friendship offer was still on the table. And that’s what happened, for the next few months, we mostly just talked online, he popped in for coffee a couple of times, but there was nothing sexual about our friendship anymore.

Time moved on, David left me (bastard but that’s a different story), and quite a few months after that, well lets just say I was horny and one thing lead to another. It wasn’t the smartest move, but hey, sex.. can be fun. And it actually got us talking, sharing some stuff. I didn’t fall into the old patterns though, well not completely, there was a bit of fooling around, but sex was off the cards. Sometimes when he’d pop in to see me there was a bit of touching, kissing and the like, all which lead to well, sexual frustration. He explained some of his personal hang-ups and I did my best to talk through them. He gave me his cell number and we went out, ended up having coffee in town, nothing big but still, I thought things were changing. Then in January he mentioned he was going out with his friends that night, normal conversation for us, until he said he wondered if I wanted to go with him. At first, yeah I thought it was a non-question, a would that be something you would do, rather than actually asking me out. It was though, he said he wanted me to come with him and when I said yes, he said he’d text me back when he found out where they were going. A month and a half later I’m still waiting to hear from him.

I know it’s over, I know I let someone in and got played for it. It hurts. I’m pissed I allowed myself to believe all the crap he told me, all those right things that made me feel special, that made it seem I was important to him. The scary thing is I think if he turned up, told me he just got frightened and wanted a second chance I would let him. It doesn’t help I don’t have a cadre of close friends to kick my arse for thinking about doing that. He was just someone that knew what to say to me, that could make me laugh, that could hold a proper conversation with, I don’t think I ever got to the point of being in love with him, but I liked him an awful lot, enough that this really sucks.

Through Brian I met a friend of his, at least I met her online. The first wee while I knew her, well I’m not even sure I liked her, let alone why I kept talking to her. I think I sometimes find immature annoying people amusing sometimes. We did stop talking for a while though, when she said if we ever met she wouldn’t take no for an answer and I wouldn’t know what hit me. I told her I didn’t really like spending time with rapists. The odd thing though was for a while she’d message me on MSN with “hi” but before I even got a chance to find the h key to write hi back she’d signed off.

Last week however she stuck around to talk. We did talk quite a bit and it got deepish. I think it started when she brought up Brian, since he’s a mutual friend. I told her I hated being played and was just going to remain single. She did her normal flirting, which is less flirting and direct sexual advances, but as I always blatantly ignore that sort of stuff it didn’t last long. We actually got to talking, and she said that the last few months had lead her to look at her life and not like what she saw, that she was trying to make changes. Now the cynical jaded part of me thought, wow, that’s a different approach to getting in my pants. But I didn’t say anything, I just responded to those sort of things how I always would. Honestly, bluntly, intelligently, without throwing my legs into the air screaming take me now.

Now to be honest I don’t know if it was all a big act or not. We talked quite a bit then she vanished. It would appear she wasn’t getting the responses she wanted and just gave up but she was also using MSN which isn’t the most reliable medium to talk in. It has been two days since the abrupt end to the conversation so I am actually leaning towards the opinion she realised she was wasting her time. But it all got me thinking, about how I miss relationships, I miss the sex yes, but its more than that, I miss the interaction, the plain fact of having someone in the room with me. I doubt this woman was actually offering that but it just made it clear how long its been.

The other aspect that is really clear, it seems I am someone that is really good to talk to, someone people feel they can open up and share personal details with. It’s not just this woman or Brian. I met another guy a few weeks back, really cool guy and we’re slowly developing a friendship by the looks of things. We met on a bdsm dating sight and after a couple of emails decided to meet in town. I didn’t expect to see him again to be honest. We met, we talked, I left thinking nice guy don’t want to kiss him. I had given him my email and cell phone though, because he was a nice guy and I really enjoyed talking with him. I didn’t want him as a lover but he would have been nice as a friend. I thought though, no way would he contact me. I was surprised though after a couple of days to get a message from him saying the same sort of thing, an offer of friendship rather than romance.

People seem to like talking to me, seem to think I can keep stuff private, and listen without judgement, that I will be helpful, encouraging and supportive. I’m glad for that, I like having that, being that. I do like being the type of person others look to in that way but sometimes I want more that to be a mentor, confidante or friend, sometimes I also want to be special. Which brings me back in the circle of why I keep falling for Brian’s game.

Quit Smoking; start journalling?

8 March, 2009 in Just Stuff | Permalink

I made a new year’s resolution to get back into the habit of journaling and you can all see how well that one went. Still, there is hope I tell myself as I stare at this trying to work out what I want to write about.

I haven’t had a smoke in twelve days. And although I want one every day, I’m doing pretty well with the cravings. I had a couple of days of bitching at anything that moved and completely avoiding people at the risk of taking some innocent person’s head off. I did actually have a smoke in the last twelve days, but I don’t think one smoke on day five should count, plus it was a helpful smoke because, fuck, did it taste bad. I hated every puff of the damn thing. I try to remember that when the “god I want a smoke” cravings kick in.

I gave up simply because I couldn’t afford them. I live on about $80 a week for food for me and the cat, bus fares, and any extra bills (rent and utilities come out prior to that). It’s tough enough to live on that much but not impossible, you just have to plan ahead if you want to go to the movies or something. But when you take in smoking well, it was just proving impossible. I was spending an average of $50 a week on tobacco. And for me, Lucy and the bus driver, well $30 doesn’t cover it.

When I told my therapist I gave up smoking because I couldn’t afford them, he tried to get me to give him a positive reason for the decision. He said I always make it seem my decisions come from negative places, which ok, is true, but in this case it is also true that the only reason is a negative one. I don’t want to give up smoking, I love smoking, I don’t give a shit that it’s bad for you or anti-social or a form of slow suicide. I miss my cigarettes. If I had some way of affording them without struggling so bad week to week I would go right back to smoking. I think I am pleased that I am managing to give up, just not pleased to have given up.

Ok moving on from cigarettes because really all writing about smoking makes me do is want to smoke.

P.S. I disabled the comment function, sorry but until I can find a way to stop myself being spammed constantly I prefer to just not have a comment option. Friends if they read this will know my email.. or just use the email link over there <———–