I have a new laptop. I’m really pleased about it. I got a reasonably good deal but still all up with the laptop, office software and anti-virus it cost me over $1300. But I did get good savings, and the laptop has 3gig RAM so its got enough power to do what I want without having to always wait for the computer to catch up on me. I am going to need to buy a cordless mouse though, because the embedded one is driving me crazy. I’m now offically going to have to give up smoking when I run out of tobacco. I can’t afford to pay off my loan and continue smoking. It’s a shame but I suppose it will be good for me in the long run.

I am having modem problems though, but I’m hoping when they send me a new one I’ll get to stay online and actually download and not have it disconnect in the last few minutes like its doing now. It’s driving me crazy. I download Countdown and Rachel Maddow from MSNBC. It’s funny I’m not american but I am now very up on American politics. This is not to say I’ve stopped playing attention to the New Zealand scene. I am a nerd about such things, the more the better.

ACC in New Zealand who pay for my therapy is being cut back. The National government has been slashing funding to a lot of public services. It’s a normal way National works, but also add the recession into that, well its basically going unchallenged. This means I might soon no longer afford therapy. And that scares the crap out of me. I have done a lot of work, I do feel I am a way down the path towards what I call recovery. I am getting a good hold of my post-trauma issues, as a multiple we work well together. It is my anxiety disorders that are now the major issue. Well ok, the anxiety and the fucked up messages I have learnt from the past, from the family. But back to the anxiety. I struggle with it a lot. I still struggle to leave the house, still face anxiety every time I have to be around other people. I worry without therapy I’d slip backwards, that the movement I’ve made is still too fragile to hold its own.

So what else? Ok, relationship wise, it’s still a big mess. I am sure I’m being played. I tried to keep myself strong in it, not fall for the idea that either of these people want anything close to a relationship with me. it would help if there was some other options around. The only other person around is actually in Canada, so nothing is going to happen there. But at least its nice talking to him, I know where I stand, he isn’t playing the games the other two are. The other day, Brian made hints at paying me for sex. They were subtle hints, he didn’t come right out and say that. It disgusted me, not the idea of prostituition, but that he’d think that of me, that I had so little dignity that I would give up my personal morals just because I struggle finiancially. The other person, Holly, still doesn’t show any real interest in meeting me. She says all these sweet things, but in reality its all just words. The funniest was I was talking to her one night, it was like 10pm, and I jokingly said that my lighter had run out so she should bring me over one. It was a joke, I never expected any one to go out at night just because my lighter ran out. But suddenly she had to go, one minute she’s chatting the next she’s got a house full of visitors. I mean, ok already, I get it, meeting me is something you don’t want to do.

My life seems to go along on its normal pace. I know I should write here more often but I wonder really what to talk about sometimes. Do I get into intellectual/academic/political rants? Do I just give the normal mundane updates of my normal mundane life. Or should I make up stuff so I sound all windswept and mysterious.