November 2010

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And ACC thinks I’m cured

28 November, 2010 in Recovery, Study | 1 comment

I’ve been very triggery lately. Someone at the coffee shop got all frustrated, and she banged her cup down. It wasn’t overly violent, and really under normal circumstances I probably wouldn’t have even noticed, but this time, I sat there for 10 minutes completely convinced, and trying to prepare myself for her to jump up and beat the shit out of me. I was screaming to get out of there, to get somewhere safe and calm everything down again. But my mind was so stuck in the past I couldn’t move, I was responding like I was a child at home and my mother was pissed. The thing then, you never ran away when you saw her anger building. It would only make things worse if I wasn’t around when it finally spilled over. If she didn’t have me there to release all her anger on, then that anger would only be compounded by the time she found me, because I made her come looking, because I failed to do my job, because I was selfish and self-important to think I was anything more than a beating bag, than the scapegoat to pour the violence over. So instead of getting somewhere safe to ground and talk myself out of the flashback feelings, I sat in the coffee shop because there was a part of my mind that still believes it’s my responsibility, it’s my job to take all that violence so the other person will feel better.

It’s not the only occurrence. There have been all the usual suspects, nightmares, unable to sleep because I am lying there awaiting the approach of someone, unusual or loud noises making me startle and panic. It’s all the highly triggered flashback period. Probably one of the contributing factors is this damn presentation on Tuesday. It isn’t the only factor, I know that, but it is something on my mind, the easiest to identify.

There are so many landmines involved in doing it. I’m not meant to be seen, not meant to be visible, let alone drawing attention to myself. And since I’m going to be standing in front of a group of people talking, you can’t really get more visible than that. And I can hear all that crap from the past, that I think I’m so important, that I think my thoughts and opinions are worthy, are better than everyone else’s. You know I started that previous sentence thinking it would be about how my presence is bothersome, and it went another way. It went into the fact that in doing this presentation, I’m acting like what I have to say is important, like my academic performance has some value. I tell myself all the time I’m ordinary, average. I tell myself that what I’m doing with my Master’s is a lie, that I’ll be discovered to be a fake. I think now part of the reason I do all that is so, that when ‘they’ come for me, when I’m discovered, I can say it, say I always knew, that I wasn’t being egotistical or thinking I was better than everyone else. I can hope that I can convince them that the punishment doesn’t need to be too bad, that it doesn’t have to be as severe since I’m already on board, I already know I’m acting wrong. Yes I know that doesn’t make that much sense to anyone that’s not inside my head, but there’s this belief that if I can prove I agree with them then they will only have to give me a short reminder, rather than beating all those realities into me.

And, there’s another, rather odd, issue about having to do this talk. I hate my voice. I don’t like to speak for a lot of reasons, but one of them is I think my voice sounds wrong, doesn’t sound like a normal person’s voice should. I know I think I look repulsive, that I smell repulsive. But I also think I sound repulsive. I will have to speak for about 30 minutes, I will have to inflicted the sound of my voice on people. I spend so much of my time never speaking, I can go days without saying a single word. It’s one of the benefits of only having friends online, I can get a little feeling of connection with others and never have to hear my voice. So not only do I have to be seen on Tuesday, I have to be seen and heard, and to me, there’s just no way that anyone will want to deal with that. In fact I can’t see how anyone won’t want to destroy me, punish me for inflicting that on them.

God-like Responsiblity

24 November, 2010 in Recovery | 1 comment

When the earthquake happened in Christchurch a couple of months ago I was so pleased with myself. Odd, yes I know. But I’ve always had this thing that if something awful, disastrous happened in the world I felt so much guilt, like I had somehow caused it, that I was responsible. An earthquake happens in Turkey and I feel like I’ve done something, that I’m the one that caused it. I would be eaten up with guilt and feel I should be made to pay somehow. But when the earthquake happened in Christchurch I was shocked by it, but I didn’t feel responsible. I thought I had gotten over that outplaced guilt.

But in the weekend there was a bad mining disaster here in New Zealand. It’s been all over the news, an explosion deep in a West Coast mine, 29 men trapped in the mine. It’s horrible, and sad. But what is getting me is I feel guilty, once again I’m feeling like I’m somehow responsible. Whenever I hear about it on the news I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and the need to be punished. When friends bring it up, I start getting anxious, like they are going to see, that I’m going to let it slip that it’s my fault and they will make me pay.

In my rational brain I know this isn’t true. I know I’m not that powerful. I know I’m not a god. I know I can’t make gas explode, or buildings collapse, or the ground to shake. I know this guilt is about something else, and just manifested by these disasters. I know that intellectually but I can’t shake the guilt of it. I can probably work out the cause, going back to my childhood and all the times I was blamed for my mother’s anger, or my grandfather’s paedophilia. I learnt that everything is my fault and took that on so deeply that now even acts of nature are my fault. All that doesn’t really change how I feel, other than to blame myself for not getting over it already.

holy water

19 November, 2010 in Just Stuff | 2 comments

On the way home from school we went and did some window shopping. Well it was meant to be for boring crap like stationary for school, but fuck that. Anyway. I’ve been bitching about us needing perfume for ages, and I finally find the one I want, and fuck me, it’s $150 a bottle, holy fucking crap, $150 for perfume. Funny thing is, there would have been a time when I just said fuck it and brought it anyway, and then let the rest of them deal with the bill. Suppose I’m all grown up now that I didn’t..*snort*… well that and we had $20 in our wallet.

-Datyn

Presenting Proposal

18 November, 2010 in Study | 1 comment

I had an appointment with my supervisor today. As usual I was concerned, that it wouldn’t be good enough. I think that goes without saying really, it’s just how I will always feel and I’ll just have to deal with it. So anyway, she had gone over my proposal and said it was really good. There are a few little notes that need dealt with but she was full of praise.

The good thing is, by writing the proposal I was feeling like I had a good handle on what my research was. I felt I was getting a better understanding about my theoretical framework, and what the literature said about menstruation education. When I started my Master’s it was so huge and daunting. 40 000 words and I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Now I’ve finished a 10 000 word proposal and have this sense of direction and knowledge. So I’m feeling really comfortable about how it is all going, and Susan confirmed that feeling was backed up by reality.

I found out that on the 30th I will have to do my presentation. I’m freaked about it to be honest. It’s all part of the process, it’s what you do when doing your Master’s but the idea of standing up in front of a bunch of highly qualified academics and talking about my research project is terrifying. Now, it’s only 20 minutes, and I will have it all written and practices beforehand, but damn it’s still scary. Susan won’t let me drink a bottle of whiskey beforehand. She said “tipsy is good plan, drunk out of my skull might be tricky.” Regardless of it being a joke, I am so going to be having a drink afterwards.

But I’m feeling really confident about my study. I feel I’m doing a good job, meeting deadlines, getting good feedback. I might actually have it in me to achieve this.

retraumatising myself

17 November, 2010 in Dad, Trauma | Permalink

I just watched Oprah show about child pornography, why do I do that to myself, it’s like putting my hand in the fire and then wondering why I have painful burns.

One of those feeling sorry for myself posts

8 November, 2010 in Recovery | 2 comments

The constant drum of anxiety is really wearing at me. I’d like to say I’m proud of myself for managing all these months without therapy, with any support, but really it just basically sucks. I feel like I have all this shit just under the surface, that keeps bubbling up, that threatens to burst and drown us all. Overdramatic… sure… but that doesn’t make it any less real. It makes me tremble constantly, it isn’t really shaking, and no one would probably notice but it’s there, like crawling under the skin. I wonder if I’m going to crack, go back to all the unhealthy ways we used to use to cope.

I do so well passing in the real world. I smile politely. I engage in small talk with little old ladies in the supermarket. Hell I even work well on getting the Master’s we had such high hopes in. But it’s all a fake, it all feels like a fake. I shut so many doors. I realise there’s not a person in my life I really trust with what’s going on in my life. I am good at deflection, good at getting people to talk about their own stuff so they don’t notice I don’t share anything about my own. Maybe it’s part of our multiplicity, the way it works for us, but we are really good at simply being a reflection of what people want to see when they look at us.

I’m fucking lonely. But I only have myself to blame. It’s not like I’m suddenly going to start letting people in. I took forever to build and reinforce those walls, they don’t come crumbling down because of a lonely wish. Sean, and for a while Bob, got glimpses of what lay beyond the walls, but they aren’t options anymore. Sean wanted to be the stable witness, standing in the hope to be allowed to see within, but the powers that be, the bureaucracy says I’m cured. Or at least, I don’t measure up for funding. Bob… well that’s a different story, that’s a fucked up relationship that I believed in at one time. It’s destruction just added to the mortar on the walls.

QAF

7 November, 2010 in Just Stuff | 2 comments

I’ve become totally addicted to Queer As Folk (thank god for online viewing). So if someone wants to buy us the dvds for our birthday that would be…. fabulous

-Matt

Your way… so I choose the highway

5 November, 2010 in Relationships | 1 comment

Owen came, made some snarky comments about me being lazy and wanting things for nothing. I was very polite, bit my tongue a lot, and just let it wash over me. I wanted to feel like I was honouring my values and I think I achieved that. In the end it made me realise I made the right decision, this arrangement had quickly become all about me meeting his needs and that wasn’t acceptable to me. It’s over now, which is good.

When 40year-olds turn into emo-chicks

4 November, 2010 in Relationships | Permalink

I ended everything with Owen, or at least I’m attempting to. It was never a relationship with Owen. It was an agreement. Probably closer to a professional agreement than a personal one. I was okay with that, and probably would still be okay with that. But I found Owen was not the submissive I enjoy. I didn’t expect him to get all devoted to me, I would have probably called things off if that happened too, but I wanted some signs of submission from him, and I didn’t feel any, so I decided to put an end to it. It wasn’t meeting my needs, and I also thought it wasn’t meeting his. And that’s ok, true undying love wasn’t on the cards, especially since I think it’s a fallacy anyway.

So I wrote to him saying I was ending it and thought that would be the end of things. I didn’t know how Owen would react to that, pissy, annoyed, nonplussed maybe. I really didn’t expect drama. I’ve had various types of relationships break up before, and most of the time there was a nod and a wave as they moved off. A couple of times it hurt, most of the time it didn’t. I’ve never had so much drama involved in an end of a relationship, and considering this wasn’t even a relationship.

The first attempt to.. well I don’t know, maybe control the break up, or stop it, or whatever, was for him to suggest what he called a whip-out. I don’t get it, if this was a relationship and someone said, I don’t love you, don’t want to be with you, but let’s have sex one last time, it would probably get you laughed in your face, if not slapped. But somehow he thinks I should whip him one last time. So not going to happen. I politely said no and thought that was the end of it. But no, wishful thinking.

I then got another email stating how much I wanted to give him a severe 50 stroke discipline. Which, to start with I have never said anything of the such, I had said if the punishment strokes get to 50 then he gets 50. I never indicated I was hoping it would. But then the next line was the one that amused me, He said he was left wondering if I was hard enough to actually do it. It was seriously one of those “I dare you” type of statements. They seem common from male submissives, the “are you strong enough to break me, I don’t think you could make me submit”. It seems they think if you dare someone they won’t be able to back away, because you never deny a dare. So I snorted and ignored it.

When I didn’t rise to the challenge, he sent me another email asking why I wasn’t willing to keep giving him what he wanted. So I tried, very politely, to explain to him my side of things. I didn’t want it to sound rude and attacking, so I tried to be diplomatic about it. I told him I didn’t feel I was doing anything but meeting his needs, that I felt no submission from him and I need that to enjoy the arrangement. That since our styles and needs didn’t match we should look elsewhere. The response was basically to tell me I didn’t know shit. He said he was always submissive to me, which makes me wonder what his idea of submission was. And then he said it seems I expect the world to fall at my feet, and was only interested in a ‘yes’ sub, not someone that is a challenge. You know, that’s probably true. I don’t want a mindless doormat for a sub, but I want one that embraces their submission, I want one that when they are with me will act submissive.

He said I wasn’t interested in a sub that didn’t express his preferences. That amused me, there is a big difference between the sub talking about what things they enjoy, how they want a relationship being, and a sub that instructs the dominant on the ways they are allowed to dominate them. He told me I was only allowed to use a certain whip on him, because he didn’t like the others, they weren’t fun for him (it wasn’t a limit). When I sent him instructions he would reply with how I should change those instructions to fit his desires. At one point he instructed me to write on fetlife so doms could tell me how to punish him. Now he has a right to want those things, but for me it was topping from the bottom and I wasn’t willing to partake it that. To me that isn’t that I want a boring submissive, it means I want a certain type of submissive that he isn’t.

I don’t know what he’s expecting to achieve from these emails. I think he’s not use to having the control taken away from him and therefore he thinks he should decide if it continues or not. When we talked about it ending in the past, it was always for him, about him finding someone and ending it, not the idea that I might. He doesn’t seem to like that I have made that decision. He expects me to follow his methods, his set plan. I do think he’d be better off with a pro-domme, who will set up an agreed plan at the beginning of a session and do as the client wants. But of course, I’m not going to suggest that. For me, I see Owen as a bottom, but not a submissive. I know that’s a judgement on my part, but that’s what it comes to.

Tomorrow he is supposedly coming to collect the couple of toys he left at my place. I’m hoping it just goes smoothly. I don’t want the drama, I don’t want to get dragged into it all. I could get caught into the back and forth, the you said, no you said crap. I’m past that. Who knew breaking up with someone in a not-a-relationship could be such hard work. It’s mostly amusing at this stage, and I am very good at shutting people out, so all I have to get through is that one meeting. Oh joy, I’m so not looking forward to that. Just need to remind myself I don’t have to justify my decision to end it.