Voices that Fall like Stones
You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2011.
So I watched Dr Who online. I wrote a bit of a meta/review type thing, but I’ve posted it on live journal because it hasn’t played in NZ yet and I don’t want to spoil anyone. (well mostly Ally).
If you want to read it though, follow the link below.
Doctor Who – The Impossible Astronaut
A few months before my Dad got sick, I spent him a whole lot of wool for him to crochet into a poncho for me. Crocheting was something he liked to do, and I wanted a poncho I could throw on during the cold Dunedin winters. Plus it was part of my connection with my Dad. He taught me to crochet, he took an interest in my life.
Then he got a brain tumour and couldn’t remember how to crochet, couldn’t follow the pattern, then a month or so later he was dead.
Mum sent me back the wool. I don’t know why, maybe it was taking too much room in her home, or she thought I would want it. It made me sad thinking about it, I put it away in a drawer because I couldn’t throw it out. But at the same time it was like the beating heart under the floorboards. Dramatic I know, but fuck my relationship with my father was so messed up.
My Dad, he wasn’t a great parent, he fucked me over along the way. I mean he never touched me physically or sexually, but the emotional abuse, the fact he sacrificed me to my mother to keep the family calm and together, those things have hurt, and maybe in some ways even more than any actual beating. My Dad, it was like he was saying I wasn’t worth keeping safe, that I was a tool to maintain a normal life. But at the same time, the only connection I have ever had with anyone, family or otherwise for a long time, was my Dad. It wasn’t perfect, hell it wasn’t even close to perfect. But it was there, in the quiet moments, at times I felt he saw me, knew me as a person, and not some creature that was there for other’s needs and twisted desires. I have good memories of my Dad, as well as the ones that rip me apart.
So a couple of days ago I was looking for socks. I have a few socks but none of them aren’t riddled with holes and I opened a drawer and saw the wool there. And I realised it was time, I needed to do something with that wool. Now it’s chunky heavy weight wool and someone my size shouldn’t wear a jersey made of that sort of wool. It makes me look twice as fat, and considering its a brown colour I’d end up looking like a dumpy teddy bear. So I decided instead, with winter coming I would knit myself a scarf.
I’m a pretty good knitter, just don’t do a lot of it considering the price of wool. So a scarf is pretty easy, and I’m doing it with a special style of stitch, with the unfortunate name of “faggot stitchâ€. I feel good about finally being able to use the wool and I’m sort of hoping the scarf will be a connection to the better memories of my Dad.
We went clothes shopping today. It was a necessity, because we are going out to schools to interview students and teachers we need professional clothes. Gawd I hate shopping, even more than Kate hates shopping. It’s when being multiple comes in very handy.
Datyn volunteered herself and after getting promises that she understood that we were shopping for professional clothes, the sort of thing we would wear on a job interview rather than just around the house or going out clothing we left her to it. Last time we had money to go shopping for clothes, she ended up getting this really neat skirt, I mean I really like it but the only trouble is it’s the sort of skirt I’d wear out, on a date or a special occasion, and frankly I don’t get to do that often.
So after a lot of eye rolling and normal teenager grumbling we agreed to hand over our money to her. And by the feel of my legs tonight I think she must have power walked the whole town. In the end she got enough for two complete outfits. I’m fucking impressed, I really didn’t think we would have that much money. The clothes aren’t too bad either. But it seems she worked some good deals. She had $150, and we handed over the $40 of gift vouchers we had for Farmer’s from a reward system we get from Nescafe.
When I got home I found 2 skirts, and three tops, and a supernatural dvd collection set. The DVD annoyed me since money is tight, and even if it was on sale I didn’t think we should have brought it. But after checking my wallet and finding there was still $70 in it, I was amazed at how many sales she managed to ferret out. She managed to get two full outfits for us for $55, so I can’t really complain that something was brought for a group of people that put up with so much of our time, energy and resources being spent at school.
(and yes in case you’re wondering… avoidance and denial is our friend right now)
A couple of people have asked me about what my master’s proposal was, and I decided to be a complete nerd and post the whole thing. Because it’s over 10 000 words, I’ve added it as a page, so just click on “master’s proposal” on the page links
A week after having my tooth removed, I finally have no more pain. God that’s a relief. I was starting to worry a little since it continued to be a problem all last week. I had made a decision to ring the Dental School on Monday if it was still causing problems. Luckily it didn’t come to that. I was glad to finally be able to put that all behind me. Ok, maybe not that far behind me, it’s been stirring up some pretty terrible memories. But still, no pain, a good thing.
Of course, I get over the dental pain and now I’ve got a bad cold. It’s probably understandable since my immune system is freaked out by the infection. The first couple of days were crap, I spent one day in bed. But it’s getting better. Of course, when I get a cold I have to deal with the asthma, and I found out my inhaler is like 3 years passed its expiry date, so I’m going to need to go to the doctor to get a new script for that. But I can deal with a cough and having to blow my nose every five minutes.
So now I just have to focus back on school, the whole tooth then sick then has me behind schedule.