Yes my mother was my primary abuser (although probably not the worse or most extreme). Yes she’s never shown me any love or care. No I do not expect her to change, to suddenly show me love and be my mother. But all that doesn’t matter, not really, because it still damn hurts. It hurts to know she doesn’t love me, that she sees me as little more than a disappointment and an embarrassment. Maybe if I had other support systems, if I had friends or family around me it wouldn’t hurt as much. But I don’t, I don’t have anyone close, I don’t have anyone in my life, to give me support, to be able to have fun with, to talk to, to share my excitement or my terror. I am completely alone. And that is what it is, I’ve kind of accepted that. But it isn’t pleasant, it isn’t the life I would have chosen. And when my mother contacts me, when I get a reminder of what sort of relationship I have with her, that hurts. I don’t think she’s suddenly going to change on me, I’ve given up that dream where she admits to what she did and tries to be a mother to me. I just don’t like having that reminder, the overt fact that I don’t have a mother, that I don’t have anyone.