Yes my mother was my primary abuser (although probably not the worse or most extreme). Yes sheâ€™s never shown me any love or care. No I do not expect her to change, to suddenly show me love and be my mother. But all that doesnâ€™t matter, not really, because it still damn hurts. It hurts to know she doesnâ€™t love me, that she sees me as little more than a disappointment and an embarrassment. Maybe if I had other support systems, if I had friends or family around me it wouldnâ€™t hurt as much. But I donâ€™t, I donâ€™t have anyone close, I donâ€™t have anyone in my life, to give me support, to be able to have fun with, to talk to, to share my excitement or my terror. I am completely alone. And that is what it is, Iâ€™ve kind of accepted that. But it isnâ€™t pleasant, it isnâ€™t the life I would have chosen. And when my mother contacts me, when I get a reminder of what sort of relationship I have with her, that hurts. I donâ€™t think sheâ€™s suddenly going to change on me, Iâ€™ve given up that dream where she admits to what she did and tries to be a mother to me. I just donâ€™t like having that reminder, the overt fact that I donâ€™t have a mother, that I donâ€™t have anyone.
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