13 August, 2006 in Just Stuff | 1 comment

There’s a contradiction there.  We want you there, but we will set out to make you feel as uncomfortable as we can when you are there.  So why do I go back, because I am constantly told it isn’t real, that it is my imagination, it is me being oversensitive, that I need to harden up, learn to take a joke, whatever little quip is put on it to say it’s all my fault anyway.  I have heard that so many times I tell myself its true.  So I go to a place where I am bombarded with the feelings of being an unwelcome intruder because I am told my feelings are wrong. And in typing that I see another little sign.  I am always told what I feel is happening, what I see people doing is wrong, that I am mistaken but they never are.  We all speak the truth and only the truth, so your feelings are invalid they don’t deserve being listened to.  Now I have been told this is simply re-enacting our past the feelings of invalidation and being unwelcome, so I play it with people now, force them into that dynamic.  Sounds all shiny and amazing, but it could just be the normal psycho babble that says hey it’s not us, it’s all your fault again.  So I kind of nod and take it accept it is this way and it won’t change, that I will always be the wrong one for whatever the reason of the day is, and I allow myself to take it on board, feel like shit, feel small and pathetic and worthless.  I tell myself it doesn’t matter, or that they are trying to be helpful, or I screwed up, or they just don’t understand, all the words that are suppose to make it ok, but really they either just bounce off or add to the effect of it.  Perhaps it has come time to walk away again, to say, it is not worth its price.  We get so afraid of being alone in this world, of having no one know we exist that we become willing to put up with things that give us little more than extra pain.  We usually see it really early on in things, that it is costing us such a high price, but we can accept that because we are too afraid of the alternative.  It is another one of our contradictions, we work so hard to be invisible to be overlooked and unnoticed and yet we are deathly afraid of becoming non-existent, they are different things, even though on the surface they might not appear to be. 
 

So where does this leave me in this ramble?  Or in my life?  I need to consider things, I need to learn to say I don’t care if I am wrong or right, that if I am feeling uncomfortable and rejected and attacked then that’s what I am feeling.  I don’t have to prove it to anyone, to be able to stand up in front of a group of my peers and justify my feelings, they are what they are.  It sounds so good and healthy on paper, when I type it it’s like damn of course how easy, how healthy, that’s my answer.  It’s not like that though, life is not as simple as me finding the right words to put down on paper.  I wish it was, hell if it was I would have probably been on the good side of this recovery shit by now.  I lay out before me the people and things I would be saying good bye to, and it makes me sad.  I have had to say good bye to enough this year, but again I find more that needs that.  Some of the sadness is the knowledge I suppose that a large percentage of them won’t even notice I am no longer there, they will move on probably without a sideways glance.  But mostly I am not looking forward to the adjustments I will have to make.  I have come to hide myself in places, in people, and now it falls to facing my life.  I’ll miss them and I will have to try to find a new way of being without them in my life.  But I will have to admit that it is easier sometimes to feel alone and miserable that to sit with people and know that you are not welcome, that you do not belong and are disliked.