So these last few days have really sucked.Â I think the depression is coming back strong again. Actually ended up buying a packet of cigarettes yesterday, they are almost finished. I am hoping it is just a glitch and when they are gone we can go back to not smoking.Â Thatâ€™s the plan we will see.Â I have just lost another one of my friends, what started off as joking around quickly turned ugly and then it got even worse.Â He left saying maybe I will see you online tomorrow night, but the emphasis was definitely on the maybe.Â I donâ€™t know whatâ€™s going on with us lately, friendships, relationships of any sort just arenâ€™t something we seem to be able to maintain.Â It sucks, and I try to fix it but usually it just makes things worse.Â I havenâ€™t heard a thing from David in a week, I tell myself thatâ€™s probably because he is busy with family stuff, that would be the mature healthy thing to thing, but no what I really think, selfishly is that he is using this time to separate from me, that he hasnâ€™t thought of me other than its good to be away.Â I have a number of emails sitting in my inbox to reply to, every day I plan to but it comes down to the fact I have nothing to say.Â I feel I am slipping further and further from the world with every passing day.Â
Which brings me nicely to school.Â I havenâ€™t been able to withdraw yet, mostly because I had a 2 month wait to see the doctor to get the medical certificate.Â But even thatâ€™s partly an excuse.Â I donâ€™t have the, what I donâ€™t know, it isnâ€™t energy, its more will, to get off my arse and go down there and sort everything out.Â The sort of sad option of this is I could have actually managed to save one of my papers if I had put the will into it.Â I could have still done it but I never found my way into the world long enough to sort it out. Â Once again I kept saying, I will do that tomorrow, and yet I just sat there, wondering when it would come to me, allow me to find my way into the world.Â It never happened.Â So now itâ€™s all screwed and I donâ€™t know what that will mean.Â I was thinking of taking some time off and getting a job in Queenstown, but I didnâ€™t want to do that either.Â Well if things with David were still good I wouldnâ€™t have minded moving there, but I donâ€™t know if I really want to give away my education.Â I just donâ€™t knowâ€¦ they say thatâ€™s a sign of depression.Â I donâ€™t know what has happened to me this year.Â Itâ€™s all gone to hell so quickly.
I donâ€™t know if I said in previous journals, but the nurse we came to rely on, to use extensively for support, and to see as almost a friend dumped us about a month ago.Â It was when we were at our worse, emotionally, craving suicide to a dangerous degree.Â He took offensive to one of us here, someoneâ€™s attitude he decided was unacceptable.Â (There is some debate here how bad she was) and instead of walking away for the day as he had done in the past, decided the whole thing was over.Â I received a letter from him written on the day he walked away.Â It took us some time to get to the mail box so it was about 2 weeks later we read it. Â And it did nothing but piss us all off, everything was our fault, every little issue was laid at our feet and there was a demand that if we were to re-establish contact we would have to accept all responsibility. Â That is not going to happen.Â But with that said, this week it has been hard to get through without him here to listen, to sort through my thoughts with.Â Perhaps it is because we also didnâ€™t have therapy so we have had no one to really talk to about things.Â Â And it reminds us of that hurt we still feel directed to him, the things he said he wouldnâ€™t do were the things he went and did.Â We consider writing our own letter, but for the most part we are just thinking it is better to just let it go, we need to get better at letting some stuff go out in the Universe and let that power deal with it. Â But sometimes it is hard to work out when is enough, when we have put enough effort into something, have said enough, allowed our anger, pain, joy whatever is associated with it to find voice before letting it go.Â I think too often people think they are letting things go, when all they are doing is avoiding the work.Â And I donâ€™t know where I sit with the whole Bob thing.