Stone Voices

I got a new phone, mostly because my mobile was dying, and the whole telecom change to 2XT or something, anyway, the combination of my dying mobile and telecom shutting down the deal I had with them, I needed a new phone. It’s a smart phone but very very basic version of that. I couldn’t afford a proper smart phone, and this one was on special. But the good thing, the reason I’m talking about my phone on here is I’m such a geek. I WHO’d up my phone, the ringtone is the Who theme tune, the message tone is the TARDIS noise, and the screen is the TARDIS display, and it makes me grin when I see it. Yes I’m a nerd and to confirm this, something none of you will be interested in.

Things have not been good lately. I should have taken yesterday off, I had a bitch of a day, and was all over the place doing things I shouldn’t have done, so decided last night I was going hide away until next week. I just need time to regroup I think. Of course the ideal of sleeping in was destroyed when they started ripping out trees at 7:30am. I knew they were starting the construction of the retirement village, and really the noise wasn’t a problem. I’m sad they pulled out all the trees though. Of course we are in heaven watching the tractors. I was convinced to take a picture, not the best quality of course with the whole only using the laptop thing.

So today I have technically finished the writing of my thesis. All the chapters are written, so its done. Ok its not really done as now I have some editing to do, hopefully not that much, I know my section of feminist post structuralism needs a bit of an edit, and it depends on what my supervisor says about the last couple of chapters. But I am hoping that by the end of the week I will have the full thesis to give to her for her final edit/read. It’s exciting, well except for the part in my head that is going ‘drop out and delete the damn thing now!”

I’m so pissed.. yes again.

I went to school after the stress test thing. For some reason they, the other students, decided it was important to have photos. I declined, politely, then forcefully said I didn’t want my photo taken, then I had to go into hyper vigilant mode as they decided they were going to sneak a photo. I was triggered, stressed, paranoid and unsafe. It angered me. Yes I get it, for them all it was just the silly, don’t like my photo taken thing. But for me its a minefield of child porn, humiliation and punishment. But I’m not about to tell virtual strangers that, so instead I deal with the failout from people that won’t respect a no.

Ok, I’m half pissed, half proud of myself.

I just got home from 8 hours of sitting around doing nothing while they had me hooked up to machines and running blood tests. Long story short, probably nothing wrong with me. But that’s not what this is about.

I got home, was having to move the tv out of the bed area, deal with a cat that gets possessive when I am down on the floor and then feed her. I’d had a day of triggered issues, and high anxiety and hadn’t even began to decompress when the phone rang. It was my mother, going on about a friend of her’s selling his dvds. I wasn’t in the mood, and knew my mother could tell, and she was getting annoyed I wasn’t all enthused. So I ended up telling her what I had to deal with today, and ensured that I wasn’t sick (made a big deal about that incase she decided to become motherly or something).

So she said, you talk to my friend. I said no, because really right now I can hardly manage talking with people I know, let alone total strangers. She got pissed, he’s a friend, he was there all day I would talk to him now. I held strong, I couldn’t handle it. I don’t want to be talking to anyone, hell I didn’t even want to talk to my mother. She kept pushing expecting me to back down, I didn’t. She got pissed, that voice that usually means I’m about to get punished.

I heard her say to her friend, here she’ll talk to you. I made it clear that wasn’t going to happen, there was a bit of back and forth, and then an annoyed ‘be that way’ from her, and instead of finding a compromise she dismissed me and hung up. I was only happy to hang up myself.

I’m stressed and pissed and triggered all to hell right now. I’m proud that I stood up to her and held strong on my boundaries… blah blah blah. Yes its a good thing, but fuck it right now it’s not coming with my insanity levels.

So for hours last night I had chest pains, I put it down to indigestion. Ever since my experience with gall stones I get indigestion occasionally, it’s really bad, but it goes away. I think I managed to fall asleep about 6am, although the cat decided to vomit at 6:20, so I was up and awake by then. But I did sleep until about midday. But today the pain is still there, chest pain, cold sweats, light headedness. The worrying issue is the pain in my arm, so people who have heart problems talk about that. I’m not usually that paranoid, so I’m still thinking it’s indigestion related. Of course if its still a problem tomorrow I might get it looked into.

It would be ironic though, that I have a heart attack and die, now that I’m no longer eager to be dead. All those years searching for a way to die, and then when I want to carry on, what to do things, keel over and die.

Of course the amount I’m burping and farting, and how I feel better when I do, I’m going with indigestion.

God after months without a cigarette, I’m suddenly massively craving. So much that I keep reaching for the non-existent packet. Fortunately I only have $11 on me, so I can’t give in and go down to the bottle store. And the thing is, I know that first smoke will be revolting and I’ll hate it, and then I’ll have another, and 3 weeks from now I’d be back to smoking just as much as before I stopped. So not going down that path, but I want a smoke.. god, do I ever… no idea why though

After three days without coffee, and two days of flour and water, literally, I made a flour and water dough and dry fried thin slices for lunch and dinner, today has been wonderful. Coffee almost constantly, chips (the hot variety) with blue cheese dip for lunch, cheese and mushroom toasted sandwiches for dinner. I’m in food and caffeine heaven. And I have plenty of food for the week, and everything is back to normal. I have the basics restocked. Of course during the time, listening to a friend talk about having wine, and her cheeses and crisps and meals of Thai and pancetta wrapped chicken, was hard. No I don’t expect her to suffer along with me, I know she’s rich, but knowing I was living on flour, it wasn’t that considerate to rub the wonderful food she was having.

Alice on NZ’s hottest home baker looks like she stepped out of a 50’s American sitcom, perfectly coiffured hair, make up an inch thick, and let’s not forget the pearls. Ok she’s 32 and she looks 50, that old fashioned look.

I’m not a big fan of comic book superhero type movies (the Batman begins reboot probably the exception), so when I see all the advertising and promotion for the Avengers I didn’t really pay much attention. And then I heard it was written or produced or something by Joss Weedon and I’m suddenly interested. I love his stuff, firefly, buffy, he does really great dialogue and plots. So now I’m thinking I might need to see the movie. Which for me means waiting for it to come out on video since the cinema is on my list of impossibilities.

I’m obsessed with sex. Not the actual having sex since that’s something I’m virtually given up on lately. No, what I’m obsessed about is the whole how we talk about sex, how we teach sex, what we think sexuality is. I would love a career that is about researching sexuality and the way it affects our lives, our gender position, and how, what and who gets to define sexuality.

It saddens me that New Zealand seems to be going back to being smitten by America. The Kim Dotcom raid, our willingness to participate in the wars America started, our giddy joy that the US armed services are willing to train with NZ armed forces again. There was a time when we stood up against other countries, said this is how we are going to run our country and you don’t get a say in that. Hell I remember when we decided to go nuclear free there was a concern the US would invade, or do some covert action with us. Now it might not have been a realistic fear, but when it was voiced we said, bring it on if that’s how you’re going to be. We didn’t roll over and grin besottedly at our betters, and that seems to be what we are doing now.

My cat seems to have decided she should be allowed the whole can of the new salmon pate cat food today. I’ve tried to have a rational discussion about how this is not going to happen. It hasn’t worked. Partly because, well, she’s a cat and incapable of discussions, rational or otherwise. And partly because she has perfected the whole cat attitude of “I want what I want when I want it so fucking give it to me now”. I’m going to break at some point, either by giving her more, or giving her a little trip in the microwave.

So the continuing Holly saga. God it’s such a soap opera and I’m playing my part.

When Holly first started flirting with me, making it seem like she had an interest, she brought up that she had some issues (who does) that made her scared about pursuing a relationship. Our mutual friend said the same thing, and after a couple of weeks I realised that too. And I think on some level I was happy about that, not that she wouldn’t meet me, wouldn’t go out with me, but of the fact I could see that being about her issues, and not a rejection of me personally.

Over time that reasoning wasn’t enough. I started thinking, why wasn’t I good enough, why wasn’t I worth the risk, why didn’t I measure up? It was hurting me to hear her flirt, to hear her say things but be reminded that no matter what I wouldn’t be worth it for her. So I set some groundrules with her. No more flirting, no more acting like she wanted to be with me. If she did then I’d stop talking on messenger. I was willing to offer friendship, but I wouldn’t be a game for her. At first, well I thought she decided it wasn’t worth it at all because I didn’t see her online for a few months, but then she came back and started talking with me as a friend. Yes there were a few times when she pushed at that rule, but I followed through. And there were a couple of times when I said things as jokes that I realised afterwards were like opening up that avenue again, so I watch that. And it works, she’s a friend I talk to a couple of times a week. I wonder why she’ll never meet in person, but really I’ve moved on from that.

Now the last couple of months she’s talk to me about two women she’s dated. Ok, the first one was an 18 year old, so I’m not sure it was dating as much as casual sex, but the second one, she seems really smitten by and is dating. I’m happy for her, but I’m suddenly bombarded with this knowledge that it wasn’t her issues that stopped her making a move on me, on acting on what she was saying, it was because it wasn’t true, I wasn’t someone she wanted, I wasn’t appealing to her. These are old issue for me that come up time and again. But the main thing right now is I’m pissed at myself for doing it in relation to her.

The thing is, I probably wouldn’t have started a relationship with her anyway. She uses a lot of violence in talk around her sexuality. It may be just her style, but growing up with a sexual sadist (maybe not an accurate definition, but she was that in my opinion), even hearing it used as a joke makes me sick. She’s not someone I think we could trust to form a relationship with. So what is annoying me is my reaction to her dating. It isn’t jealousy as such, it’s like having it pushed at me that I wasn’t worth it, that I didn’t measure up. I’m struck with that question, why am I not. And then after I torment myself with that, and go over all the fucking times people have made it clear I’m not worth love, caring, compassion, time, I then beat myself up for the fact I’m getting caught up in it all again.

I am happy for Holly, I’m happy she’s taking the risk, making an effort. Our friendship isn’t based on her playing at flirting with me anymore, so I’m not hurt at losing that. I just wish I knew why I’m never worth it to anyone, and why I still let that get to me so much.