07.10.10
Posted in Recovery at 11:39 pm by TheShire
I’ve got about 3 weeks until I start back at University. I wish I could go on about how excited I am, but the truth is I’m terrified. I don’t think I’m up to it. Not the intellectual stuff, although that alone freaks me out, but since stopping therapy really the only time I leave the house is to go to the supermarket. I’m not used to being around people anymore, I have all these stupid social and agoraphobia issues. People get too close and I start to freak, someone speaks to me and mind starts racing. If I leave the house I’m sure something terrible will happen and it will all be my fault. I try to tell myself it will get easier, that’s how it worked in the past. But then again, in the past I had therapy and support to deal with the insanity.
My other issue is this time around I have no transport. University isn’t on a major bus route which in itself I think is really bad planning. But even if it was, it means I can’t just get home when I am overwhelmed, I have to get to a bus stop and wait with people, get on a bus where I’m trapped until I can get home. It’s not the best plan, but since I don’t have a couple of thousand to get a new bike I can’t really see any other options. The one plan I’m going to do, is put about $30 in my wallet, no matter what always have that much on me, so if it’s really bad, if I can’t see me getting on a bus without screaming, at least I’ll have enough for a taxi ride home.
My head starts making up all these doomsday scenarios, where I am hated, laughed out and abused. I see my supervisor telling me she won’t work with me, failing everything I do. I see the other post-graduate students refusing to work in the same office as me. There is a part of me that knows it’s all anxiety based nonsense, but I can’t shake the feeling. But every night I’m having those mental panic attacks where my mind just goes on and on, I can’t stop it without unhealthy intervention.
And yes, the unhealthy shit is coming on full force. Fortunately for me, my unhealthy stuff is so minor, it isn’t life threatening or requiring intervention. I don’t take drugs or drink, I don’t starve myself. My self harm doesn’t require medical attention, it’s just gross and painful but because it’s somewhere no one sees the gross part isn’t an issue. I’m eating too much, food makes me feel empty physically and mentally. My OCD is becoming irritating and panic inducing, and I’m being all flashbacky. So yay school I’m so excited.
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06.19.10
Posted in Recovery, Vents at 11:00 pm by TheShire
I was speaking to a friend today. She said she had terrible social phobia. It was odd, because really I haven’t heard anyone use that term outside of the therapy setting. I thought, damn someone I can relate to, until she got talking. Now I don’t mean to sound judgemental, but really it probably was very judgemental of me. What she spoke about was being shy around new people. There was none of the phobic reactions, no avoidance, no internal messages. She just took some time to settle around people. Yes that’s tough but having an anxiety issue is a different situation. Seems she read an article in “The Listener” about panic disorders and suddenly decided her shyness was one. It was amusing, but at the same time disheartening.
It’s like words are losing their power, when they become common use, or a trend. It’s like calling someone bi-polar because they have mood swings. Sometimes a mood swing is a mood swing, not a debilitating disorder that can wreck your life. It’s like how many times do you hear someone saying “god I’m so depressed” when really they are just down, or blue, or having a fuck awful bad day. Yes those things are terrible, and can be horrible at the time. But depression, to me that’s something different. I’ve had bad days with terribly sad defeating moods attached. They were awful and I just wanted to curl up until I felt better. Then I’ve had episodes of depression when the idea of ‘feeling better’ was a vague concept way beyond my reach, when even curling up was too difficult.
Maybe I’m being picky and pedantic, but I’m kind of possessive of the terms. As someone that has to deal with three diagnosed anxiety disorders, bouts of depression and medium level OCD, I get annoyed when those things are minimised or treated as some sort of fashion trend. It fucking sucks to live with them, to learn how to have a reasonably good life while endure the ravages. The same friend that declared herself socially phobic, laughed and looked at me like I was crazy when she found out that I can’t ever drink the first glass of water I pour from the tap. It’s not a choice, or at least it isn’t a choice I can make. I have to tip the first glass out. Sure as symptoms go, it isn’t life threatening, but it’s a compulsion I can’t stop, not really a joke.
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05.15.10
Posted in Recovery, Relationships at 9:37 pm by TheShire
I finally called a couple of friends on their bullshit. Actually I’m getting closer to thinking that the friends are actually one person. Either way I’ve been played for a while, I knew I was getting played and yet I put up with it. I put up with it because, well I kept feeling contact with people playing a game with me was better than no contact with anyone. I was lonely, hell I’m still lonely, but tonight, I just thought, fuck it, no more.
I don’t know how it’s all going to play out. At the moment I’ve just decided not to talk to either of them. They are too entwined. Whether it’s true or not they both feel like they have been playing me. Maybe Brian wasn’t a part of it, but it still feels like he was. Unfair, perhaps. I don’t know. I let myself get hurt because being hurt is something I know, something I can handle. And it feels better than being alone and abandoned. I know in the grand picture it isn’t the same thing, but it comes down to something I’ve always said about abuse. Being physically, sexually abused as a terrible hurtful thing, no one should deny that, but I believe living with rejection, living with neglect does more damage to someone than anything physical. It says, no matter what, you aren’t worth it, you aren’t even worth the effort to hurt, you don’t exist. And yes this situation is different, but it comes back to me saying I’d put up with being played with some I didn’t have to feel not good enough, didn’t have to feel left out in the cold alone and unnoticed.
As I said no idea what will happen. I think unless I see Holly and Brian together I won’t believe him. And until I see Holly, well she’s got her own issues, she played me for so long and I let her because the fantasy she was selling, well I wanted to buy it, even if it was just smoke and mirrors. Yes I’m glad I finally said enough, finally stopped me being the butt of their joke. But it’s left me feeling, well, tossed aside.
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04.26.10
Posted in Recovery at 3:14 pm by TheShire
So I think I have depression again. I have that feeling of it, not just being miserable, but actual depressive symptoms. The funny thing, for me, is I am considering medication. This is funny because for years I fought against it, I hated the stuff, and well, most of the time it never really worked, but I thought, I have no other help, so taking pills might keep me from falling deep.
So my first port of call, my GP. Ok so problem, I technically don’t have a doctor. I have always used student health but right now I’m in between enrolments. One of the reasons I realised I was getting depressed actually was my struggle with applying for the Master’s programme. How dark and overwhelming my thoughts got when I consider applying are not healthy. But because I can’t enrol, because I’m not technically a student I can’t get an appointment there with a doctor about anti-depressants.
So I ring the Emergency Pysch Services at the hospital, thinking without a doctor they would be able to see me, to help me. Nope, I have to go to my doctor. I don’t have a doctor I tell them. Their big help… you need to ring around and find one then. Yeah, you know dealing with depression means you are really capable of being that proactive.
I really hate this feeling. It’s been a while since I’ve had to deal with depression so strongly. The anxiety stuff, that’s more controllable. I have learnt to live with that fear. This dark depression is a constant weight, and yeah I’m worried that it will lead me back down the suicide road. I’ve been away from it for a long time. But god its hard, and dealing with it with zero support is impossible.
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04.05.10
Posted in Recovery, Relationships at 4:42 pm by TheShire
I should never speak to people this time of year. Holly messaged me, and for some reason that I don’t get I laid out in very bland, but extremely minimal, terms what my life is/was. Maybe its just that it hurts right now, and that hurt overrides that part of me that says, don’t tell anyone, don’t let anyone see. She said something about me needing loved, and I actually laughed. No shit Sherlock, of course I need love, but that’s not ever going to happen. I basically told her that, and then made it clear to her I knew she didn’t have those sort of feelings for me, that all the stuff we talked about was a fucking game. I was even really polite about it, polite but firm. And now she refuses to reply to my messages. I don’t know whether to laugh or just curl up and cry. It’s not a shock that she refused to acknowledge that she plays a game with me. I’m not upset about that, I’m pissed off at myself for saying that I am an abused damaged woman. I hate that I let it slip out when I’m like this. I hate forgetting that when people here they brush it aside. I’m not coping and I just made it worse for myself.
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04.04.10
Posted in Fandom-Doctor Who, Recovery at 9:28 pm by TheShire
Easter, how crazy it makes me. This time of the year everything goes crazy and fragile. I’ve been barely holding everything in as the outside starts cracking. I hate it, I know why it is there, and I know it won’t last, doesn’t stop me hating it though.
Yesterday I watched the latest episode of Supernatural thinking it would distract me, and what I got was the most angst filled, emotionally draining 40 minutes they have ever made. So to distract myself from the fictional heartbreak, that was meant to distract me from my emotional heartbreak, I found a story online I wanted to read. Half way into it, I found out it was a story about someone trying to heal from being abused within a paedophile ring. Yay me. My attempts to hold myself steady really fucking crashed and burnt.
Today hasn’t been that much better to be honest. I’ve been disjointed and dissociative all day. I’m not really keeping attached to reality very well, the past blurring in with the present, too many people crowded in, or not enough. I’m pretty sure I’m losing time, but with us, lost time is often only for short bursts, so its like life keeps skipping, stuttering, rather than just stopping.
I downloaded the new Dr Who. I loved it, I would probably right more but my brain isn’t really into it. I just, I thought it would be bad, the ads on the tv looked… wrong. So I was fearful. The show itself, well, it got us smiling and relaxed for 2 hours. So that’s more than a blessing at the moment.
Ok can’t write anymore than this, tomorrow I would like to try to write a review of Dr Who. But don’t count on it, or whatever, my brain just won’t work, You know I wonder how I got my degree if this is how my brain was all those years I was studying for it. It’s so fucking disjointed and I keep getting lost in black spots.
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01.15.10
Posted in Family, Recovery, Relationships at 10:11 pm by TheShire
Just finished watching Criminal Minds The Uncanny Valley. So damn creepy and I fell in love with Reid all over again. Was brilliant.
So onto life stuff, rather than my fandom love.
It’s been a rough time lately. December/January is never a good time for me. I thought, perhaps now I don’t have contact with my family over that four week period things would get better but it turns out that it’s still just as tragic and difficult. We shut down, felt lost outside of the world. I did feel incredibly isolated. I think a part of this is my so-called romantic life. It sucks, it’s become nothing but a painful game. I spoke to Brian briefly about 3 weeks ago and when I didn’t acknowledge all the pretty words, about me being special and so very important to him I haven’t heard anything back. I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t have someone feed me lines that have no action to back them up. I can’t let myself believe them, even though I do wish they were true, because when they go on without anything following them I feel worthless, not good enough, not worth his time and effort. He’s probably got a lot of issues that make it like this. I try to tell myself that, but I keep coming back to the fact that if I was special enough, good enough, I would then be enough, deserve more than just pretty words.
The same sort of goes for Holly but its different. A friend said she sounds like a 14 year old boy playing at being a lesbian, and yeah sometimes the things she says sounds more like a penthouse magazine letter (not that I’ve ever read such a thing of course), than a real person. But I doubt she’s a teenaged boy, I just don’t know how much of what she tells me is true, and since she refuses to meet me I’ll probably never know. I just, well I talk to her online, and I keep it like I do with all my friends, nothing too personal about my life, being there for them, knowing they will never be there for me in return. I know people tell me I’m closed off, hard to get to know, distant. I don’t really deny that, I know its a lot of damn hard work to actually get to know me and I don’t really know much about friendships. I just, I wish sometimes someone would put the effort in as well, that it wouldn’t always be about them. Of course, I am good at deflecting people when they get too close.
And then, dealing with this alone feeling, this isolated position, I get a stark memory, or at least part of the memory, it didn’t finish, it just ended, probably with a switch, and the person that got out of the bed wasn’t the one that got into it. That’s not exactly unusual. In all things it probably isn’t even close to being the worst thing that ever happened to me, in fact when I look at it from a distance, it seems minor, not a big deal. I struggle even to call it sexual abuse, although the intellectual part of my mind sees it that way. But the thing is it was my brother, it was yet another one of my family that took advantage of that, took that from me. It just makes me so tired, drained and drawn thin. It hurts, its just a little too much tragedy. Someone again said something along the lines of everyone has pain. And yes its true… but there is always this part of me that wants to yell, not like mine. It’s not about denying someone else’s pain, its about… I don’t know, finally owning up to the damage done. I know it sounds arrogant, at least it does to my ears, but I feel that I shouldn’t have survived, I shouldn’t have come out of my childhood with anything close to sanity, and its a damn miracle I’m as in control of my life as I am.
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10.27.09
Posted in Recovery at 8:02 pm by TheShire
So my neighbour turned up this afternoon with a bottle of wine. He’s a nice guy, not someone I would call a good friend or anything but yeah, nice enough. But I did a stupid thing, when he brought out a second bottle I kept drinking and got drunk enough that I forgot to censor myself. When he started asking questions I answered them, sober enough to know it was a bad idea, but drunk enough to not keep my mouth shut.
The guy is older than me, so maybe it was a generational thing, but he decided that my problems were my fault, that I just wasn’t thinking right. I tried to explain to him that my problems were just the same as a war veteran reacting to something innocent in his environment, i.e. a helicopter going over. He told me I was wrong, and that they weren’t the same. Now I know enough, I’ve learnt enough about post trauma and how it effects the mind. Sean’s spent enough time explaining how my mind was rewired because of how I lived, how I had to survive.
So I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know that. But at the same time I am fighting against the urge to beat myself up that I can’t just get over things. I know at least part of that is because of my past again. Years of being punished because I was sad and withdrawn after I got a beating from my mother. You had to just get over it immediately or you were a bad daughter. But its not just my family and my past, there are so many messages about not being sad, or angry, or well, anything other than ‘normal’. I hate the idea of being a victim, but I also hate the belief that I should just bury it and pretend everything is fine.
I’m still struggling with knowing because I finish therapy, that I will have no one to take this bad shit to, no one to hear me talk when it gets hard. I’ve never been good at being a friend, maybe, I’m a bad friend, maybe I don’t know the skills around friendship. But this means now, without a professional person, well, I’m very alone.
Onto the good news, I’m starting to think I may not have completely fucked up my ability to get into Masters. I have an appointment with someone next week to just confirm that.
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10.25.09
Posted in Recovery, Study at 3:20 pm by TheShire
So on the active day. I’ve talked to WINZ about a disability allowance. I am not sure how much I will get and it will not fully cover therapy if they give it to me at all. But I’m thinking, well of doing something I shouldn’t. That is, if I state I am going to therapy every week then there might be enough to cover therapy once a month. It would be better than nothing, but I’m not sure I can get away with it. I’m just still really terrified about not having therapy.
The other thing I’ve been trying to do is get information about what my options for Masters might be. There is a part of me that still hopes my average would go out to a B+ but I can’t let myself hope right now, I’m too fragile, there’s too much to lose if I think positively. I hate how important this is to me, and how because others know the level of desire I have for it I’ve allowed them a way in to hurt me.
I’ve been trying to distract today. I should get started on the article writing for my 480. It is something I want, I want to say I’ve been published. Hell, even if I end up never getting into Masters at least that’s one thing I will have achieved. But it’s too raw today. I will do it, I have made that promise to myself.
Ok so its been a day. Yesterday was hard. I did try to be positive. You see, to get into Master’s you need a B+ average. I know I have an A, A- and at least a B+ already, and its likely that the paper I fucked up on I’ll get a B- for. So I’m thinking if I take the A down to a B+ that will bring the B- up to a B+, which then gives me three B+’s and an A-. So if they average it out it will be a B+ and maybe that will be enough. And the A- is in an independently run paper rather than a class based one. So do I hope? Trouble is, there’s still too much of my crazy brain that says hoping and wanting is what made all this go wrong. Which I know is stupid, because what went wrong was I fucked up. But a life has taught me that to want, to dream only brings disappointment if I’m lucky and more than likely intense punishments. I did so much work on my recovery to think I could say I’m an academic nerd, that its ok to find studying and writing and being political a positive and fun thing. I thought I could acknowledge my goals, acknowledge my desire to do something without the risk of that knowledge then becoming something to beat me down with. And maybe it is safe, I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel it right now. So I can’t let myself hope it’s just damn scary right now. And yet, even as I write this there’s that small part at the back of my head going, all is not lost.
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10.22.09
Posted in Recovery, Study at 9:57 pm by TheShire
Today has been odd. What started off really positive and left me feeling excited and confident has now gotten me stressed and despondent.
At the beginning, well I went down to the university and got positive. I started to plan my Masters next year, and found I could take a second chance at writing an article for a paper I did a couple of years ago. Basically I did really well and they suggested I could narrow it down to present it as an article to be published. When this came as an option last time I freaked out completely, but it is something I really want to have achieved. So I was feeling nervous but positive about that. Also in talking to Susan she agreed to supervise me for my Masters if I put it off until August since she’ll be busy writing for a book until then. That worked well for me, gave me some time to get back in the mindset. So as I said, was feeling positive.
But the meeting ran later than I had hoped and I ended up being 5 minutes late for my therapy. I was almost there when the town clock struck 3, so I had a panic attack, and that added to the stress of trying to get there fast, by the time I got to my therapist’s office I could hardly breathe. Barely had time to calm down when Sean tells me ACC has stopped all my funding. No second chance, no other options. I am out of therapy. I can’t afford to pay privately, so I don’t have any other choices in this. That’s it. I know this sounds really pathetic for me, but Sean, my therapist is my only support in my life. I don’t have friends I can talk to about my life, I don’t have family, the only person I have, or at least had was Sean, and now ACC won’t pay for it I don’t even have that. Part of me thinks maybe I’ve done a lot of work, enough work. But mostly I look at how I am and see that work is still very fragile and I need more, I need help and not just support. I don’t know what to do, it… scares me.
So now for the last fucking bad news. I got my results, and although it’s not official if I have worked it out correctly, well, I only got a B- grade. Which isn’t that bad but to get into Masters I need a B+ average. I may still make that, I’ve got an A- and I think an A, and at least a B+ (not sure about that last one), so if you average it out, perhaps I have the B+ average. But still I feel like I have had the rug ripped out under me. The scary thing, so many people know that I want this, that I am so focused on getting into Masters, so when it all falls through I’ll be a laughing stock as well as losing something I want so badly. That’s the problem I’ve had about wanting, it gets me hurt.
I hate that I’ve fucked up. I hate knowing I can do better but didn’t. I feel like everything is pointless and although I know this is an overreaction I have to wonder if it’s worth the struggle to get into Masters or if I’ve proven I shouldn’t even try. Of course when I used to get to this, I’d take it to therapy and talk it through, work out my options, examining how realistic my fears are. But now that’s not an option, now it seems I am too crazy for hospital therapy, but not crazy to be allowed funding. I walked from the university to therapy without being afraid of being in public, only to have it all crumble.
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