I have recently begun another journal/blog. This one is for a specific purpose. It is a chronicle of a crazy person’s journey to get her PhD. I consider it auto-ethnographic. Mostly because that sounds really important and cool, more so than calling it a blog, yes I really am becoming an academic snob. I don’t know if I can call… (more…)
Heard an ‘interesting’ bit of information today. Apparently I am faking the extent of my disability because on Friday I was able to perform well in the job. Becuase I was in a room I didn’t know, with people I didn’t know and still managed to get the job done then I am making up my disability. I can sort… (more…)
So we’ve been invited to Megan’s place on Saturday for a sort of postgrad get together. And I have no idea whether I should go or not. Megan just assumes I will, that she will be coming to pick me up. There is a big part of me that wants to say hell no, simply because she’s acting like I… (more…)
I got really angry at the dentist today. Not at the actual dentists, they did a really good job and were very supportive. No it was more anger that I’m still paying for what people choose to do 30 odd years ago. Because they wanted to fuck a child, because they got off on her terror my life hurts. But… (more…)
It’s kind of ironic that a sign that I’m beginning to pull myself out of that horrendous place is to discover what a mess I made of things when it was horrendous. Bills that I buried my head in the sand about when I couldn’t face the world are now demanding attention and I have to be dire in paying… (more…)
Depression has taken hold, clinging cloyingly. I still haven’t heard anything about my PhD application, paranoia or not, I’m starting to believe I haven’t been accepted. I try to pull myself out of the gloom. I have started the 20 minutes of exercise. I am trying to eat food that isn’t brown. But somehow doing so seems to only feed… (more…)
So I got into an argument about integration. Seems I’m a big mean murdering meanie because I said integration was a valid option and a choice. It seems anyone that presents integration as a choice is advocating murdering alters and proclaiming multiplicity as a sickness. I still believe that if you go on about integration as evil, as murder, and… (more…)
I went to the afternoon tea thing the college put on. It was a disaster. Ok, it was an emotional and mental battlefield where I lost. Yes melodramatic I know, but it is how it felt. First I managed to spill hot coffee all over myself, or perhaps someone else managed to tip the hot coffee into my lap (not… (more…)
I’ve never liked the idea of love. People talk about love and I shut off, I tend to think of it as bullshit and have little respect for those that tout it as the ultimate goal. Love is something I have no time for, and no interest in. I’ve always put this down to my cynicism. People say I love… (more…)
So I’m going to try to talk/write some of this stuff out. Here’s the start. When my dad was alive, the Lord of the Rings became our thing. It didn’t start out that way, Dad wanted Mum to enjoy it with him, but like most things she wasn’t interested in, she rubbished them, making derogatory comments and not even willing… (more…)