Work

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First Step in the next process

9 June, 2011 in Study, Work | 1 comment

No wonder I was so cold last night. I even layered up just to get some sleep. This morning was so hard to get out of bed. I had planned to get down to school early, but I couldn’t drag myself out of bed until after 9. By the time I got everything done, and headed to the bus stop it was almost 10. And still at mid morning the ground was still frozen and the ice and frost was heavy. It was so damn cold.

School was productive. I got all the letters done and posted them out to schools. It’s the first step in the actual research part of my research. Up until now I’ve just been reading and writing theory sections of my thesis. I knew I was going to head out to schools but it seemed vague, something I’d do … eventually. Actually making first contact with the schools has made that seem a lot more real.

I’m equally excited and terrified about the idea. I want to do research, interviewing, observing. I am excited about doing it. It’s a challenge and a new experience and on some levels fun. That said, I’m fucking terrified. I’m going to have to do something I have no previous experience with. I am going to be out in public, going to have to appear not just normal, but professional. It hits so many of my self worth issues, my self-hatred and fear. So its an odd combination of feelings.

cleaning

12 May, 2010 in Just Stuff, Work | 1 comment

I’m doing a huge house clean. It will probably take a few days. I don’t like cleaning. I usually do the bare minimum to make the place liveable. And I have to say that’s true, I know a lot of people that say they don’t clean much but are obsessed about it. I like to keep the place tidy, but I’m not going to spend every day cleaning it. So the last time I can remember getting this intense about cleaning was, well, actually it was the last time I was intensely suicidal and wanted the house all tidy when they came to collect all my stuff. Now for the record, I’m not even slightly suicidal this time. If I’m nesting then it’s a virginal birth, or at least a not for a very long time birth. It’s just very odd for me to be this interesting in cleaning.

Job possibility

19 January, 2007 in Work | 5 comments

I’m applying for a job.  There’s a lot of ambivalence about this move.  It’s scary to think of us working full time, but at the same time we do feel ready for this move.  The job is with the Disability Services at the University.  It’s basically an entry level position, that of Note Taker Assistant.  The money therefore isn’t high, but considering its about two and a half times what I am getting on the benefit I am not complaining much about that.  The biggest issue is the woman that runs the Disability Services we have issues with.  We have never challenged her directly so I don’t think that would go against us in interviews, but we do believe she has little respect or interest in the challenges that face people with non-visible disabilities.  Basically if you have a physical or sensory disability then she will campaign for you, but other sorts, including as in my case, psychological disabilities, she really doesn’t put a lot of effort into things.  I also know there’s a pretty high turnabout in the department, I don’t know if that’s because of her, or just that some sectors are like that.  Regardless of this we are going to apply and see what happens.  One thing we have always said is we need more experience.  All our working experience is in fields that no longer appeal or are healthy for us to pursue.  Well, except for the research assistant job we had in 2005.  
 

So I have worked on the CV and application forms are filled out.  Over the weekend I need to write a good covering letter and post it all away on Monday.  I don’t know what my chances are.  I know I can do the job, I know I can handle the tasks.  I am not sure how I will go with the stress of working permanently but we do believe it is time for us to try to get back into the work force.  There is also some concern over whether we will be moving this year to be with David.  If we do, well we could always resign.  The trouble is the places he is virtually guaranteed of work there would be little opportunities for us.  We talked briefly on the phone about that last night (his computer died *pout*).  And he did say if I had a job here he would focus his attentions on getting something here as well.  I am not going to not apply just because of him and if I get it, well it would be 3 or 4 months before he would have to make that sort of decision and in the meantime I could be working.  Earning money, beginning my career, yes there is as much excitement as there is trepidation about this move.

30 November, 2006 in Work | Permalink

Bugger, fuck, damn and bother.  I decided to have a look at the University vacancy site and there is a perfect part time job for me.  I was getting everything together and then noticed the closing date is next Monday.  I may still try to get it done, but it is doubtful I will be able to get everything done tomorrow in time to post it.  I need to pay better attention to the website, and keep an eye out for future jobs.  This one would have been so perfect though.  I’m now so pissed at myself.

Bad Day

22 November, 2005 in Work | Permalink

Today sucked. I think it was doomed from the start. We spent most of the night awake and crying, so when it came time to get up and head into work we put it off to the very last minute. Then at work it was a day of everything going wrong. For some reason a number of the pdf files we downloaded yesterday had errors in them this morning so wouldn’t reload. It took forever to get the ones that were working to download again from email (same as I was doing last night). Then proquest went down and I couldn’t do any more work, so I head back to the office to do the photocopying, but the instructions weren’t clear, although it ended up I made the right sense out of most of them. Then I go back to the library to find the ISP for the library is down and won’t connect to anything outside of the University server, so I can’t do any work there. When I got back to the office my boss was away, so I decided to use her computer, but I couldn’t find how to insert a disk on her Mac. I even asked one of the other lecturers but he couldn’t find it. So although I spent the day working hard I didn’t seem to get any work done. It was stressful and I was on edge most of the day.

I end up going to therapy at 3. Therapy was distressing but the good news is it has moved now to 5pm, so I don’t have to worry about making up the missing work. I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

-Isabella

Don’t wanna go

20 November, 2005 in Work | Permalink

No one wants to go to work tomorrow. They are upset at me for telling them we have to go. We will go, we have a commitment to fulfil. But it’s difficult and everyone is struggling under the weight of crap, but we know we have to put on our normal face for the week, and four weeks after that. It seems like an eternity. We are so not ready to be working full time. I remind myself of the money and of the benefits of having this experience but I want to just go to bed and hide away from the world.

-Isabella

One week done Two weeks to wait

19 November, 2005 in Work | Permalink

I got up this morning, early which I didn’t appreciate, and did my washing, and cleaned the house. I feel like a regular working person, having to fit all the chores into the weekend, but wanting them done quickly so I can enjoy the weekend. I’m going to do a couple of hours work over the weekend because I have to take two hours off on Tuesday, because of therapy. It sucks a little bit but at least I don’t have to go back to work after therapy, that wouldn’t look so pretty. I’m managing working, getting up in the morning and doing the day. The rushing in our head seems to have stopped at night which is a great thing. I’m still trying to decide whether I like working or not. I know I like the idea of having a little more money, and I like feeling that I am accomplishing something. But it is an added stress, it is more to work through, more emotional and mental stability to maintain a functional persona (or façade depending on what’s going on). I will be glad I think when the 22nd comes and I don’t have to work anymore. I am looking forward to having time off. I’ve only worked a week but I already need a holiday *chuckle*

My WINZ appointment sucked, well actually it didn’t suck that much it just makes things a little difficult. The woman didn’t have my appointment on her timetable, so I ended up waiting 30 minutes, but when she did see me she was very helpful, and considerate. It seems because of the amount I am earning, taken over a full year, I will still get some of my benefit, about $70 a week I think. It’s enough to cover my rent and maybe a few dollars left over. Which is all good, I was worried about my rent. But the bad part of that is because I am technically still getting my benefit they will not give me any “tiding over” money, so I have no extra money aside from my rent until I get paid which isn’t until the 7th December. I will probably get my Christmas Club money on the 1st, you can’t get into it until December which really helps with saving, but right now I wish I could get into it now. I did get my last pay so I got some basic food stuffs, and made sure Lucy had enough cat food for the 2 weeks. Tobacco’s going to be fun, I need to stretch out 30 grams for 2 weeks, usually it hardly lasts a week. Maybe it will help me cut down, or maybe I will have to suck up to my mother and swallow my pride and ask for a $20 loan. But on the good side, this basically means I got an extra $70 than I thought I would get for the next 6 weeks. Just need to be very frugal until the 7th.

I have other non-work related stuff to write about but I am going to go see if Sassy is at home and feels like a phone call.

-Isabella

Two Days In

15 November, 2005 in Work | Permalink

I’ve only worked two days and I’ve discovered I am not ready for full time work. It might be because of the type of work. It isn’t hard work but it is very unstructured. I do what is around and when that’s done I have to ask what else needs done. I’m also sharing an office with my boss working within her schedule. It’s very disjointed and messy and I don’t handle those sorts of situations, it feels unanchored. So maybe a job that would eventually have structure to, after initial training, would feel more comfortable and I would or at least might feel more capable of managing it. I have five more weeks to go I will manage but at the same time It is a little hard going.

The actual work though, it isn’t anything I can’t handle. I spent most of the day doing data entry. It ended up taking twice as long because all the work I had done in the morning was wasted because version 8 of Endnote wouldn’t communicate with version 7 for some reason. So I had to redo it all. There are good things about the job. I am learning things. Susan fills me in on what the project is and although I am a very low peg I am still made to feel part of the team. And Susan is a great boss. I think I am learning some skills that will help with my own study. So maybe some sort of routine will settle in.

With Kate under supervision and attempts being made to prevent her having executive control, the job is falling mostly to me. If the work doesn’t require much academic understanding I can take a step back and let a couple of others handle it. Our community structure doesn’t really handle one person in the front for long periods. Seven hours is too long for just me, it wears the person down and I can’t afford to get burnt out. The career plan has always been for me and Kate to work in tandem with BloodsKiss or someone else taking up some slack if needs be. No one expected Kate to go so completely off the rails like she has.

-Isabella

fork in foot

14 November, 2005 in Work | Permalink

What is it about me and accidental injury when I start a new job. When I got my first job all those years ago now I cut my knuckle down to the bone by accident, when I started the job at the rest home my thumb was in a splint, and now as I start this one I have two deep holes in the side of my foot from where I impaled myself on a fork. Maybe it’s a good omen, both those other jobs were long term ones, but really I would prefer an omen that didn’t result in pain or lots of blood.

It’s 8am and I am just hanging out until it’s time to drive to work. Man that seems so strange, we haven’t worked at all for years and now bang straight into a full time job. I’ll be fine. Lucy must know we are going away for the day because she’s got all clingy this morning. Poor baby

-Isabella

WINZ not so scary

11 November, 2005 in Recovery, Work | 4 comments

I had a talk with Bob today and he’s going to help me with WINZ but from what he said it shouldn’t be the big deal I was starting to fear it would be. So I am relieved and less anxious about it all. We also had a big talk about this job and what it means for me. Really positive stuff. This job is bringing me a lot. Not just the possibility of working, not just getting my toe in the door. Those are great things, wonderful things, and yes I am excited about it. It may be low level academic work, but it is still academic work. It is where I want to end up, it is what all this study has been for. Research assistant is the beginning of that path, so yes, I am damn excited. There are other aspects as well, there is the fact that someone saw me not only having the academic potential to do this work, but also that I was someone that they could see themselves working with. I tell myself a lot that somehow I am a fake, that I don’t really have the academic ability to be doing post grad. I remember when I didn’t get another research assistant job that it was a sign I would never be good enough. Now I am re-examining those beliefs. Seeing that lecturers who know me well, who see my work, who see me in class have decided that I am good enough. This says something, and I am allowing it to say something. I am looking at that as “real world” approval. It is easy for us to discount the positive feedback that comes from friends or therapists because I feel they are being nice, that they are making excuses for my failings because I am “unwell”. There is no “out” for my lecturer, no way of discounting this. I’m allowing myself to feel proud, to feel I have done something good, achieved something. At this time there are no bad feelings attached to it, we haven’t got caught up in all the negative messages that usually come.

I got onto talking about how getting this job has enabled me to see the improvements I am making, to see my recovery. Now I don’t expect that this job is just going to make everything ok, getting a job isn’t an instant cure. Hell if it was I would have gotten one years ago, even if it was cleaning toilets like my mother says I should do. There is still going to be hard work, there are still going to be tough times, I am sure of that. But the thing about recovery is how small the changes are. It makes it hard to notice improvements. Bob used an analogy of a dam, with the recovery stuff being the water behind it, that it builds up slowly and then comes bursting out. This is similar to what Sean said about the badness, that changing it is a slow process, but it often looks like it happens all of a sudden, because the changes happen under the surface, a lot of the time outside of your awareness until enough is done that it seems to explode forward. To use that dam analogy, the work of recovery seems to me to be like building streams and ditches that bring the water to the damn, they seem so small, and they seem so insignificant when I am doing the work. But it is the accumulation of them that makes the dam burst. I don’t think I could have handled this job if it happened even a year ago, I think a lot of the work we have done over the course of therapy is enabling me to take this next step. And I am proud of all that.

I am still anxious/nervous about having to deal with WINZ, Bob is coming with us and it would seem it isn’t going to be a disaster, but dealing with WINZ is always nerve wracking. And then there are the usual nervous twinges about starting a new job, but these are all “normal nerves” not last night’s panic

-Isabella

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