01.28.06
Posted in Just Stuff at 3:30 pm by TheShire
So my computer chair is broken. It’s a pain in the arse as was stated yesterday. The other chair isn’t quite high enough… oh someone just suggested I use a pillow… duh why didn’t I think of that. I’m still going to have to find a reasonably good but very cheap one soonish because of school. I can’t sit with my knees up under my tits as I try to do school work. So now I have my pillow and it is slightly more comfortable to be in front of the computer, I don’t have a clue what to write about.
I thought I would show you where we are going for our bike rally. The rally itself is in Galloway, which is basically one of those little spots on the road with a couple of houses and a sign saying Galloway. It’s in Central Otago which is an area I love, rather rugged, slate stone, browns and greens. I am sure before European settlers arrived it was all lush forest that was stripped away for farming and that should make me sad, but in saying that I like the sparseness, the desolation of the area. I’ve included a couple of maps, the first shows the area in reasonable detail, you should be able to find Galloway on it. The next gives you a rough idea whereabouts in New Zealand I am talking about. Galloway is just outside Alexandra. And the last one, well all things going to plan the red line will be the route we are taking.
I have a slight issue with the route because it does take me through Middlemarch and this was an area a lot of the abuse took place and I am not sure how triggering it will be to go that way. There are two other routes I could take to get there. The one south would be the longest one I think, and also it goes through a number of steep winding gouges and I do not know the road enough to feel all that comfortable about it safety wise. The other which is up to Palmerston and then along the “pig route” would be ok, but it’s an added 30 minutes or there about. I really want to the one that is marked. I think because we always head north when we go to visit our parents this would be a total change and hopefully with enough preparation no one will freak and think we are off to get fucked over.
We are actually pretty excited about doing this trip. For one we are going camping and that just makes everyone, well mostly everyone, get all skippy. When we realised we didn’t have to pay for our bike this time someone went out and brought a cooker. Now at the time I was very grumpy about that, money is tight which was freaking me out about the bike. Now just because the bike didn’t cost us doesn’t mean that the money still isn’t tight. At the time we rationalised it by saying it would be cheaper than having to buy all our coffee and this way we can boil our own water. Yesterday I found out they supply coffee tea and hot water for free, but still I think It will be easier to just boil our own with all the coffee we drink. I am still a little annoyed at the rash spending but we need our cooker if we are going to go camping. When we get nervous about it being a “Bike Rally” we think about it as a camping trip where lots of other people turned up to go camping also. It’s a little silly, but it helps get over the anxiety of being part of something. We are so looking forward to camping that it helps.
The other side of that is the excitement about actually going on the bike rally. We have thought, dreamed, been all wistful about them for a while now, so to actually go on one, even if we won’t know anyone is kind of exciting. There will be about 500 people there we won’t know which is a little daunting. Well actually about 499 people, since Bob is going, but then he’s our pysch nurse and it isn’t like it’s another friend there. I tried to talk Sassy into coming with us, but for some reason she wasn’t willing to fly half way around the world and buy herself a motorbike when she gets here. How rude! But part of the fun of this is about other people being there. I am not expecting to form any deep and meaningful relationships or anything, but I do so much on my own that the idea that there will be other people experiencing the same thing is a good one. I will try my best to be sociable, to talk to people but I also know there is enough vagueness about it that I can just do my own thing. It is like a happy medium between being on my own and being in a group tour.
I am actually looking forward to the drive. Hopefully my bike behaves because when it runs smoothly being out on the road is really great. It is relaxing and invigorating at the same time. When I went to pick my bike up I overheard a couple of people talking about how bikes aren’t about transport, they are a lifestyle thing. And I so agree. The drive there and back is as big a part, if not a bigger part than the actual event.
-BloodsKiss (with some input from Melanie)
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01.27.06
Posted in Just Stuff at 9:13 pm by TheShire
Computer chair is broken, feels like I am sitting on a little kid’s chair which is very uncomfortable. Was going to write a proper entry but this is too damn annoying. Will probably have to end up using a kitchen chair until I can afford to get a new one. Grr
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01.24.06
Posted in Trauma at 3:55 pm by TheShire
Good news, just rang the bike shop, they have fixed my bike, a damaged ring in the carburettor, and since it was something they missed when doing it the first time fixing it they aren’t charging me. So happy, so relieved, and the rally is back on.
Not so good news, we are really struggling to keep our heads above the crap at the moment. I went to write to Sean last night about what was going on, but it all became so jumbled, so mixed up I didn’t even know what it was I was trying to say. We ended up taking a sleeping pill to get us through the night. It also didn’t help we ended up watching a couple of things on television last night that stirred up a lot of memories. It was a long night and this morning wasn’t much better. At some point in the morning Sparra rang through and left a message with Bob. I think it confused the receptionist at his work a bit, she is use to a totally different kind of Shire ringing through. Bob must have rang back because he ended up coming up. But just before he arrived we got a phone call from D. and that sent Sparra running back within. We are all so cautious about how much craziness we show D. and for now we don’t want to look to fucked up. Sure if something happens between us eventually she will probably get to see us in all our crazy glory, but for now it’s the plan to slowly ease her into the madness that is Shire *chuckle*The slightly annoying thing was she popped around when Bob was here, but we were in the middle of weeping like a child and all very messed up, we managed to stuff it down when we answered the door, but because of the timing we missed out on spending some time with her today. But really we needed to pour some of our shit out with Bob.
I don’t think we actually said much to him I know we cried a lot, and struggled with the words and with keeping the front stable enough to finish a coherent sentence. Sparra had rung him in a childlike hope that he could somehow fix it all. Like a toddler falling over and the adult kissing it all better. Sparra is a little old for that magical thinking, but things are rough and there are times like this when we so desperately just want someone to rescue us, even for a short while. Bob, of course couldn’t do that, but I think even having someone see our distress was reassuring and in a strange way helpful.
Isabella
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01.23.06
Posted in Trauma at 4:22 pm by TheShire
I’m so pissed. I went to go out and get tobacco to find a stain of fresh petrol under the bike and try as I might the damn thing won’t start. Which is virtually what happened on the side of the motorway. I personally don’t think they did a very good or thorough job of fixing it when I took it in, but I am sure they will say it’s a new problem and therefore charge me to get it fixed again. Because it won’t start they have to come and pick it up which I have been waiting all day for them to do, just rang them now because I don’t want to leave it on the road over night. They said they would be around soon to pick it up. I am so pissed, and I found out that the Vincent Rally is on Waitangi Weekend, which is not this weekend but next so not sure I will have the bike running, or the money to go now, it’s all gone to hell. I spent so much money to get it fixed and now it isn’t going again. I don’t have enough money left to pay for it, so if it’s expensive I am in shit street. I don’t need this crap,
They have just come to pick the bike up. I feel like crying, I feel like breaking down and weeping like a baby.
Posting this under Trauma because fuck it that’s what it feels like
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Posted in Just Stuff, Study at 11:38 am by TheShire
It’s a little embarrassing what an academic snob I have become. On one of the sites I go to someone wrote about doing a research paper on multiplicity and wanting to interview people about their perspectives. I wanted to write back, have you got ethics approval, can I see your information sheet and speak to your research supervisor. The latter two probably not a big deal, but doing the Qualitative Research paper last year I would never do an interview with someone that hasn’t been though an ethics process, I know it doesn’t guarantee good research practices but it is more likely that the interviewer knows enough about research to follow some ethical practices. Also I wonder about any tertiary level paper that doesn’t require that sort of practice. So yeah I didn’t respond with my messenger details, but I also resisted asking her about what procedures she had to go through before interviewing people.
-Isabella
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01.22.06
Posted in Relationships at 12:16 pm by TheShire
Ok it can now be said with a certain amount of clarity we have a major attraction to D. the woman that lives up the road from us. We hadn’t seen her for very long other than that first day, and after a few fun text messages the contact stopped. She lent us her extended DVD’s of Lord of the Rings to watch, and they have been sitting there for ages, like a thorn in our side. See we thought she had decided not to continue anything with us, and we wondered how we would return them without a lot of awkwardness. So yesterday I sent her a long (2 part) text. First saying that since I hadn’t heard from her I assume she didn’t want to continue seeing us, but if I was mistaken she had my phone numbers and that it would be a pleasure to hear from her. The text was too long which is why I had to send it in two parts, I was keying out the second part saying I would drop the DVD’s back into her letter box for her and thanking her for lending them to me, when my cell let me know I had a message. I wasn’t expecting it to be from her, but it was, saying she had been away all last week at a camp and she would call me tomorrow. So I sent back a quick text saying ok, will hold off on taking the long trek up to her place. I waited to see if she would respond for a couple of minutes then went back to doing my housework. About an hour later the cell went again, it was her saying she was walking past my place and if I was home she would drop in. Now I admit her timing wasn’t that great, and this would be the second time I saw here when I was looking decidedly unattractive. The first was when I dropped my bike into town, I was scummy looking, sweaty and well smelly, this time although not as smelly I was dressed for houseworking, and because I wasn’t expecting company and knew I would be cleaning I skipped my shower in the morning. So yes, not the most stunning of impressions.
She dropped in and complimented me on my new hair colour and I gave her a raspberry coke, and we just sat around talking. I have to say I still find her terribly physically and sexually attractive, but today showed me again how much I enjoy her company simply as another person. She showed me a few things that were on the Royal Variety Performance that was on television Christmas Eve, we had a good laugh about that, we joked and laughed, talked about serious stuff, in particular her problems at work. She said she was very close to chucking her job. It seems of the three weeks she had off she was called into work every day and has had no time at all for herself. Which explains why I haven’t seen her much. We talked like close friends, and I told her it is important she stands her ground and if they don’t change their practices to leave and get another job. Which she tells me would be pretty easy for her as she has had offers from other places. We talked about clothes, movies, and how annoying 60 8-13 year old girls can be. That was the camp she was working at, 60 prepubescent girls to deal with for 7 days. Oh joy, it’s no wonder she looked shattered. She said she was going to go home do some housework and then collapse into bed, too exhausted to walk to the supermarket. So I gave her a bowl of my potato salad to have for dinner, being all motherly. I told her I would text her this week to make sure she stood her ground at work, and she borrowed one of my DVD’s and a book. So it would appear that there is still some sort of relationship there, if it is a new fledging one.
The thing about this relationship that is a little scary, but actually what I have been looking for, is how much it isn’t about sex. Ok the sexual stuff is there, and I do feel that sexual spark around her, but it isn’t based on sex, it seems to me to be based on friendship. I have seen her 3 times now (not counting meeting her in town) and had sex with her once, the other two times they were long comfortable chats. This is unusual for me, and something I have been trying to achieve for a while. Of course the fears come up a little, like is the reason she only chatted with me yesterday because she didn’t find me sexually attractive anymore. I have dismissed that as my own issue, one she was exhausted I don’t think sex was high on the agenda, and two, well we kissed when she left, a short kiss, but more than a peck you give friends you know. The annoying part is even if she gets things more settled with her job I know how busy she is, with work and with a lot of friends. I want to see her more than once a month, ideally I would like to be able to spend 1 day a week seeing her, even if it is just for coffee. The other major scary thing is I am starting to see if I did see more of her, got to know her better that I could really fall for this woman. We have all managed to totally avoid that since Kat fall in love with Chris and not sure how I feel about it happening again. But well with everything, it is a little premature to worry about that just yet.
-Isabella
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01.18.06
Posted in Just Stuff at 1:15 pm by TheShire
The last few days have been horrendous, Sean said that it is poisonous for us to spend time with the family, and I kind of see his point. Most of the people here that friends identify as Shire, the host group so to speak have taken a leave of absence after we got home to recoup. It isn’t a big deal, we are all totally able to handle life, it however does make it difficult when talking with other people as they always assume we are all one somehow, even those that know we are multiple. It annoys me slightly when that happens so when I am out I tend to avoid people that know us, or at least know the image of Shire they have created. Instead I find myself chatting nicely to strangers in crowded coffee bar with whom I have to share a table. It was actually a really nice time. We had to go to therapy yesterday so on the way we stopped at the Warehouse. Our intention was to get some underwear, which I did quickly and look at the prices of tents. Now I think the price of it was more than they wanted to spend, but I knew if we didn’t buy one now with our interest peaked we would put it off like we did last year and it would go by unacted upon. So I got this small pup tent. It says it is for two people but I think it’s more likely one and a half people tent. We stopped on the way to therapy for a coffee, which although wonderful coffee (and supposedly even more wonderful mudcake) wasn’t the best coffee break we had. I had misjudged the time. It’s a part of not being out in this world a lot I am not use to maintain a check on time. So anyway by the time the coffee was made we had about 7 minutes before therapy. It wasn’t that bad since our therapist office was only about 5 doors across the road. While the kids stuffed themselves on the chocolate cake the other adult-like people around had a wee conversation about the idea of camping. The tent we brought was for the bike rally in March and so as no one else backs down for those of us that really keen I had also posted away the entry fee. So we are hoping that it will happen, even though I know this is causing a little bit of a panic. The idea of camping though got quite a few people really interested. We always loved camping, so we are hoping that in the course of next/this year we will be able to get together a few essentials. High on the list is a large tramping-like bag for our bike so we can transport the things we will need, Then on the list are already a couple of things, a little one ring cooker, and a lantern. If I can find a big enough bag I wouldn’t mind getting a little single airbed type thing, and it would mean we would be more likely to sleep well, and therefore stay longer. The plan therefore is by summer next year we will have enough stuff to be able to go off camping for a week or so. Now I know I still have to present this to a community meeting, but that’s really just a formality since I can’t see how these plans are going to interfere with jobs or study, financially it might be a big deal but we have a whole year to get bits and pieces.
After therapy I had to go off and get a light bulb for the bedside lamp, it blew last night when I was reading. So after that I ended up at the University Bookshop which must be the best bookstore in all of Dunedin. If only they had a good café in the store, then basically I would have to be dragged out of there kicking and screaming. We had to buy a couple of books for our nieces. It seems a little strange to me since it’s been made perfectly clear we aren’t part of the family, pride I suppose and this need to make as many converts to the joy of reading as possible. I wandered around the store for about an hour, in the end I got a book I have been wanting to read for ages but could never find in the library, and anyway, owning the book is so much better. I used the book vouchers Isabella got for working, I don’t think she will mind, it’s a book she would probably like to read as well, and anyway I sort of think of it as our book vouchers. It was after that I had my coffee, heading off the our favourite coffee place. It was a warm day so all the tables out the back were full. I asked a woman if I could share with her, and it was with her I had my conversation. It was so nice not to have to fit into the definition of Shire, not have to leave halfway through a sentence to respond in the way the other person requires. It was nice but it brought up my annoyance at all the other people that don’t give me that same space.
We belong to a livejournal community for multiples. We haven’t been playing a lot of attention to it lately, mostly because it’s either been annoying the crap out of us, or rather boring with constant posts of “is this normal”. I had looked because I thought I might find people there that would see me as an individual, although personal experience shows that just because another person is multiple doesn’t automatically lead to them doing so. It is doubtful I will go back to the community, There isn’t anything there that is appealing and the latest annoyed me. Someone was looking for functional adult like people to talk to, which was why I was there as well. However looking at her definitions I don’t fit. And of course there was a screed of responses and arguing back and forth from other people. The original poster seemed amazed at the drama that ensued, but I have to say, if you call a large amount of people dysfunctional and immature it is likely that some drama will ensue.
-Bridget
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01.13.06
Posted in Just Stuff at 11:51 am by TheShire
I got home about an hour ago. Posted the journal entry of what we wrote whilst up at my parents and now I am bored so I will write a little more about the actual road trip.
The trip up was a complete disaster. Heading out of town the bike was just not driving right. Part of the problem was the front wheel brake, since it was new it hadn’t embedded yet and it was like trying to drive with the brakes on. I was getting frustrated so stopped to release the brake a little. That wasn’t difficult, but then I went to start the bike again it wouldn’t kick over. I think I had flooded the engine. So there, stranded on the side of a busy motorway, 20 minutes from town everyone started to panic. I think at some point the other keys got caught around the ignition switch which was also causing some problems. I saw two people I know zoom past me, I can remember thinking “bastards” but it isn’t like you can do a u-turn on a motorway. The whole thing did not do our anxiety levels any good at all. And when I finally got the engine going people were demanding we turn around and go home. That was vetoed (which is a shame considering how awful the visit was). The rest of the trip up was awful. For some reason, possibly the fact the bike hadn’t had a good run in years, I could not seem to get enough power from the engine. Whenever I tried to get it over 80km the bike would jerk and then the power would fade away. I was driving slow and at low(ish) gear nearly all the way. Hell I got past by a tour bus, so I can’t have been speeding along. Because we were driving at lower gear we were using a lot of petrol. It ended up costing twice as much as it did when I drove home today.
Because of the engine trouble when we headed off, no one wanted to stop for a break on the way up. We always stop for a coffee at Karitane rest area. We love it there, it is our peaceful spot on the trip. But because of the fear we would get stuck again we went right past it and didn’t stop until we got to Herbert and needed to fill up with petrol. By the time I got to Oamaru I was exhausted, stressed and harassed by the road trip. It was simply fucking awful. I had breakfast at the McDonald’s there, not a wonderful breakfast but it was food and we could have some coffee and a smoke. Right beside the McDonald’s there was a petrol station. I thought it would be a good idea to fill up the bike again, considering how much petrol we used on the first part of the trip. But I was overruled saying we would stop further up the road, that there would be a petrol station nearer the turn off to Kurow. Umm… no, they were wrong. We had gone too far to really want to turn back, so I headed up the valley. It’s a longish road, about 45-50 minute drive to the first town (Kurow). It’s actually a wonderful bike road when the wind isn’t blowing. But with the engine splurting and losing power, and not being sure if the petrol would last I didn’t get to enjoy the drive. Luckily for me I don’t have any dealings with the family if I can help it so by the time we reached Kurow (yes we had enough petrol) I could bugger off and leave other people to deal with it.
Last night when we were in bed there was a bit of anxiety about the trip back, no one was particularly looking forward to a repeat performance of the trip up. The day, the weather was perfect for travelling though this morning. We were up and ready to go by about 7:30. I had planned to head off without seeing the family, but when I was dragged out of bed and thinking about heading off I knew I needed coffee first. So I spent about ten minutes drinking my coffee with my mother and my nieces. It’s a good hiding, having it known that “I” am not a morning person. My quiet slightly moody self was put down to the ungodly time. And then it was off. The trip home. It was almost perfect. The weather was calm, the bike ran smoothly, at a comfortable 100km. I got to Oamaru and found an open coffee place to have a cheese roll (although it turned out to be corn) and a coffee. I filled the bike up as I was leaving Oamaru and headed home. The trip went wonderfully as I said. The only really pain was the amount of road works on the way. A couple were really annoying as the road had been ripped up and I had to manoeuvre my way over the rumble. I made good time though and by the time I got to Palmerston I was back to enjoying driving, feeling really calm and refreshed by it. The other little annoyance was the coffee place in Palmerston was still shut when I arrived, so I missed out on my coffee there. But I stopped for a wee bit and had a smoke and then returned to the road and the trip home. The whole trip home took about 3 hours which is pretty good for my little 250cc motorbike. And I am back to feeling good about driving, unlike how the trip up made me feel.
-Melanie
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Posted in Recovery, Vents at 11:09 am by TheShire
The whole trip has been a major assault of triggers. Charlotte’s three, so innocent, so open, so small. When she bent over naked the other day I thought I would throw up. An image of what my body, my genitals must have been like. For that moment I glimpsed an understanding, full force, full detail of why there was so much pain in that flashback. It was only for a moment because we had to push it away fast before it overwhelmed us totally. Being around Charlotte has been difficult, emotionally draining and on top of that the strain of having to keep those emotions hidden.
Mum has brought up our grandparents a number of times, sanctifying our grandfather and vilifying our grandmother. I see the mirror of it in myself. My mother’s cruelty is more concrete, easier to identify whereas with my father it is harder to put a label on it, harder to describe and our own desire to have at least one parent that could love us, that could see us pushes away the pain that he caused. I do believe that is what she is doing now with her parents, her own Dad becomes the kindly one. It is hard though to listen to her describe the awfulness of her mother, refusing any awareness of her own actions, the continuation of the traditions laid down by her mother and probably back through the generations. Her mother was cruel, insensitive, cold and hating but she herself is blameless, untouched by that legacy. She holds that pain forward without any recognition that the daughter sitting next to her felt and still feels the same pain.
At one point she asked about my memories of my grandparents. I said I had none. What else could I have said. This was not an invitation to speak the truth. This was a request for confirmation for happy childhood memories. None of us within reach had any. I could not risk making something up as I would usually do when those around could tell they weren’t true. Fortunately the question was only asked in an attempt to appear to include me in the conversation. I was only a shadow whose presence was acknowledge only for appearance sake. I do not begrudge the focus of her attention spent on her grandkids. Grandparents, I assume, tend to be like that, especially when she sees them so seldom. I do wonder though the reason for her insistence that I visit at this time. I have become the non-existent person again, used for a purpose then discarded. She has the daughter she always wanted now. Pretty, thin, blond, the daughter-in-law that talks about the right things, that smiles and laughs, without the depth and darkness we possess. This is not to say Michelle is a shallow witless woman. I do not know her to judge that. But with my mother she can be that, and for my mother there is little more of interest. My mother doesn’t want to hear my thoughts, my opinions, the things that interest and inspire me. Those things are too weird, too far off the mainstream. Talk of my learning, my relationships my life gets brushed aside in favour of long discussions about cleaning products. I fin myself not just sitting far behind my brother but also now a distant third to my sister-in-law.
As for my bother and his wife I might as well not even be here. Mum talks about how much Michelle wants me in her family’s life. But my mother lies and this would appear to be yet another one of her lies. In the day and a half I was there barely more than five words were said to me by either of them, and with another whole week to spend there, they choose today the last day of my 2 ½ day visit to go off overnight to Wanaka. The message seemed clear that they have little to no interesting in knowing me. Now I admit I have not put major effort into forming a relationship with my brother or his family. I feel excluded and make no effort to breach that exclusion. The conversations centre on children and that is no a subject including me. I am the childless woman and at the times when I have offered my opinion the look and comments make it clear that since I have no child I have no voice, no place in their world.
I wait though for the comment that will come later from my mother about my rudeness, about how unfriendly I am. My exclusion will become my fault, my guild and the shame that I brought on her.
On the first night I was there my parents got into some fight over my father breaking my bother’s camera. This is not the fight like you would see in some families, no raised voices, no angry worlds, just a hostility between them that builds up until you can see the hatred in the air. My father when to sulk in his room, depressed and full of self loathing, my mother came to me again as her family therapist. But it si not therapy she wants, not my opinion or my advice. She wants proof that she is blameless, she wants confirmation that her way I the only way. That she is correct and righteous and everyone else is at fault and must see her perfection. And as always happens I found myself pulled into the centre of the conflict. I try to remain outside it, to maintain my own boundaries but as these are new skills for me, practicing them with severely unhealthy people is seldom a recipe for success. And as this raged my brother lay on the floor with his kids, not having or required to sacrifice himself.
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01.05.06
Posted in Just Stuff at 12:46 pm by TheShire
OK so photographing a black jacket isn’t an easy thing, and finding somewhere where it would get enough light and my little webcam would reach was difficult, but Sassy requested so there it goes
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