05.24.06
laundry list
Well it’s been ages since I have written anything here. I tried to write a bit about Dad, him dying, the whole funeral thing. But it was too hard. I don’t think I can write about it in any real detail for this journal. We lost our mind for a couple of days, then went to the funeral. The good part of that was D. went with us. It’s really the first time in our lives that we have had someone there, just for us. He was really sweet and it seems he made a big impression, but of course that might simply be the fact he’s the first person I have ever brought home, funeral or not. Mum is now pushing me to bring him up for a weekend. It seems she thinks he’s wonderful, and I’m too bossy, little does she know *smirk*. I’m now trying to get back into normal life. That’s proving hard, my agoraphobia is on high volume, I go out but can’t handle it for too long. People seem to think now he’s been dead a couple of weeks everything is fine. But the truth is I think we are still processing the fact he has a terminal brain tumour, and haven’t even started on the fact he is dead. It all happened very quickly. A lot quicker than we were told it was, and I don’t think I got through the first event before the second one hit. But people are like that I’ve discovered, they move on after the funeral and forget family and close friends are still trying to process it all.
I’m playing a huge trip to Queenstown in a few weeks. Basically I will be spending two weeks with D. doing just normal stuff. He will be working but I will take my study and settle in and get some work done to catch up. It will be nice, I’m a little worried about Lucy cat but someone will feed her and she’ll be ok. We keep talking about us moving in together. Because of his work and my education we can’t see this happening any time soon. I think I am a bit relieved with that, putting off taking that step. It is funny a few months ago when this started we both said we weren’t interested in it becoming anything 24/7 and now it seems it’s all either of us can think about. I don’t know how I will deal living with him, it would be a big adjustment. I am not good at sharing my space or my life. But we have some time to think about such things, and hell, he might break up with me after spending two weeks together.
I am seriously considering giving up smoking. My thoughts right now is when this pouch of tobacco runs out I just won’t buy anymore. I thought of cutting down, or just stopping with it in the drawer but knowing it is there just makes that too hard. And yes before you say it I know I could throw it away but that’s just not going to happen. I have no idea if it will work, and can almost see me going to the store in the afternoon that I give up and buying another pouch. But I will try, and who knows. The extra money will be good, and lately I have been sounding very chesty. So there will be a serious attempt to give up. So I can see grumpy bitch hanging around for a while. And god knows how many people Melanie will threaten to kill. It’s going to be so lovely.
Ok so this is more a laundry list type of journal entry, but at least I have written one.