I am back from my trip.Â It was an ok trip not as good as I had hoped, but about as good as I expected.Â What with my mental state and Davidâ€™s family problems there wasnâ€™t much chance it would be a cheerful break.Â David is really worried about his mother.Â His father got admitted to hospital a couple of days before I headed up.Â He doesnâ€™t seem that concerned about his dad, but that could be partly a staunch guy thing. Although as he has said his dad has been dying for years and this is just another step closer.Â But because it is getting a lot closer now he is worried about how his mother is coping with it.Â They seem to have a close relationship. And he is all the way over here and itâ€™s expensive to get home.Â So he was very preoccupied and distant which is understandable but rather hard for me not to read as a problem with me.Â Yes I can be very ego-centric and I had to keep reminding myself that his behaviour and atmosphere wasnâ€™t about me personally but all the other shit going on.Â Also I had my own stuff, which manifested itself in the picking of my hand, something he didnâ€™t handle very well.Â It was all a little tense at times, but again that can also be put down to the fact there was no room away from each other, his place is literally one big room and a bathroom, so there was no escape.Â I had time when he was at work, but I felt trapped then too without my own transport.Â We did manage to talk about it all last night.Â Itâ€™s funny we often end up having really meaningful conversations when we are out for dinner, which is what happened last night.Â We went down to the local restaurant we always go to.Â There we both managed to talk a little about what was going on for us both.Â Mostly I let him talk, but we did talk a little about how things were with us.Â It helped to feel secure in the relationship, to know that what I was feeling and sensing was real, but not about the relationship failing. Â We are trying our best to be supportive, although that is hard with someone that really doesnâ€™t talk much about what is going on Iâ€™ve found.Â I am still worry about the relationship, I think that for us is a normal reaction, hell we worry when it all goes perfectly, so when there is stress itâ€™s no wonder.Â But for the most part I am pretty good with knowing that stress was about life issues.Â
So mostly the trip was pretty quiet, we sat around and watched a lot television, ahh the joys of having Sky, watching a lot of History documentaries and food shows.Â I think in some ways we were avoiding each other in the television, it wasnâ€™t that we were uncomfortable in each otherâ€™s company rather we just seemed to find it hard to be comfortable with ourselves, both of us seem to have a lot going on and we both seem to be more comfortable with holding that in.Â It is sad now to be home and not have him here, tonight will be hard to sleep without him beside me, but on some level it is also good to be here alone without having to hide in our quietness and not feel guilty or a bad girlfriend for doing so.Â In some ways I think it was good for us.Â This is the reality of a relationship, it isnâ€™t always hugs and kisses and going for walks in vineyards, sometimes it is drudgery, sometimes itâ€™s the heavy cloud of depression.Â We are still talking about living together, about me getting a job up there, ok it wasnâ€™t as upbeat this time, but it still seems to be a plan and if thatâ€™s going to work, we both have to go in with our eyes opened, and this will help us see what it might be like, not all the time but part of it.