October 2006

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just again

30 October, 2006 in Recovery | 3 comments

I noticed when I posted the last entry just how long it has been since I sat down and wrote anything, especially anything of substance.  I wonder if I am avoiding or if I simply have no exciting life to share with the world.  Well ok, that last one has always been true.  There seems to be a pattern of avoidance going on.  Therapy last week we did the angry and belligerent thing to avoid talking about anything that we were feeling.  It’s a damn old pattern but always a successful one, at least in the moment.  Long term it might screw us up majorly but no one really cares about that at the time, as long as we don’t have to think or feel, as long as we can just sit there and be all crabby.  So this all begs the question, what are we avoiding?  I really don’t know for certain.  There are vague connections with the ideas of family and belonging, and as always pat events around this time are rearing up to tap us.    
 

And again I get to the point where it is just too heavy to write
 

another passing

30 October, 2006 in Dad, Relationships | Permalink

David’s father died a couple of days ago.  He rang me in the afternoon, instantly sending me into panic mode.  He hardly ever phones and never during the day.  So of course I thought the worse, with his depression with everything going on.  In a way there was a quick burst of relief when he told me what had happened, sounds cold I know, but at least it wasn’t something that devastated our relationship.  We talked a little bit.  I tried to be comforting, to be there, but from such a long distance there was so little I could do.  I felt so fucking useless about it all, I wanted to give him a hug.  But with being so far away I couldn’t do that, even if I had transport it wouldn’t have been realistic to drop everything and drive up there.  So I sat here and said what I could and felt helpless.  I am the type of person that likes to be able to fix things, to make them ok, to rush in and take control, take care of the other person’s problems.  It may not be all that healthy and I know most of the time it isn’t actually wanted, but it doesn’t stop that urge coming over me. 
 

We talked a little about how this is probably a good thing, that he died.  It sounds so terrible to say, but like my dad his was very sick, was suffering life and death brought an end to that.  It doesn’t make it a joyous occasion, it is still heart wrenching grief, but there is a finality to it, an end to the struggle.  That end is a two edged sword, there is no more, no more pain but no more of the person.  I do think some of David’s depression has been about dealing with his dad’s slow death, being so far away unable to help, not knowing what to do, so perhaps for him too the end will be a new start. 
 

It makes me think of my own dad though.  His death was the best thing, the right thing, considering what had become of him.  But I still miss him. 
 

(abandoned half way through writing but I will post it anyways)
 

nice modem box

14 October, 2006 in Just Stuff | 2 comments

I have my broadband back thanks to a very very nice and patient and extremely helpful lady at Slingshot.  I am now a happy camper with a connection that is running fast

its a conspiracy

14 October, 2006 in Just Stuff | Permalink

I got my adsl modem back today.  I got all excited to be back on broadband.  I reinstalled it.  It won’t work.  I don’t know why it won’t work other than the ppp light isn’t coming on.  And of course its Saturday so no one is working at the help desk. 
 

So.. fuck me running
 

so its depression

14 October, 2006 in Relationships | Permalink

Well I found out what is happening with David.  It seems he is suffering from an episode of depression.  It makes sense of the behaviour, the way he has been with us, and with his life.  He seems so lost today when I talked to him. I tried to convince him to get some help but he has told me to back off and give him time with that which I am doing.  But it is hard, I know what it is like to suffer from depression and I want to help him, but I also know what it is like to have people pushing at you so I will honour his need for time and space, and just worry quietly about him.  Not sure what will happen, but I will be here for him as much as I can and as much as he wants me there.
 

Part of me thinks, good, maybe now he will get it.  Maybe having an episode himself will open his mind a little to what we struggle with every day.  It seems a terrible thing to say, I really do wish he didn’t need to deal with this.  But at the same time I struggle a lot with these issues and the fact he seems to think that they shouldn’t impact on me.  He will say things like well don’t let it get to you, you can do anything, so maybe now he might understand it isn’t that easy.  I do get that unless you have been there, unless you have dealt with some sort of mental health issue it can be really hard to understand.  I look at some of my phobias and anxiety issues and they make no logical sense, and can see why people don’t get how real they are.  But when you live with it, you understand it in a way, it still often doesn’t make a lot of sense logically, but you understand what it is like to deal with.  I was telling someone recently about my fear of buses, and they said, but that makes no sense, which made me laugh, I know it doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean I am not afraid anymore.
 

I do hope that what is happening with David is simply a reaction to life events and it will clear up on its own with him taking care of himself.  I hope it doesn’t become a clinical depression that needs help.  I will do what I can for him.

break downs and maybe ups

12 October, 2006 in Just Stuff, Relationships | 1 comment

First, the practical bad news, I got a phone call from my bike mechanic today to say that my bike is virtually beyond repair.  The two most expensive faults would cost more to fix that what the bike would ever be worth, and that doesn’t include doing all the other jobs.  So this means I now no longer have a motorbike.  I am without transport.  This is a great fear of ours, we have always relied on knowing that bike was there, that we could escape, that we could get away, that we could get around on our own.  We have panic attacks getting on the bus, so although we can use public transport it causes so much stress that we need an hour or so to recover after using it.  So this is freaking us all out.  I know there isn’t anything I can do about it, that this is life and we just have to deal.  It will be at least next year before we even get close to having the money to look at a replacement bike.  It is rather terrifying to think that I do not have any transport now. 
 

In a fit of despair I texted my mother about it.  Not a good move I know, but I was miserable and that blocked the knowledge that my mother is not there for support.  She ended up ringing me and going on and on, and I was so close to screaming.  I shouldn’t have rung her,
 

The other issue is my relationship with David.  I am not sure what’s going on there.  The last two times I have gone to visit him things haven’t gone well.  He’s had personal issues, to it makes it understandable and everything, but it has also made things awkward between us.  And now, on the day he said he would be back he hasn’t showed up online.  It might be nothing, but there was a time when he was away for a few days that he would rush back online to talk to me.  This may simply be the moving from fresh exciting relationship to the more steady normal daily type deal but it makes me worry that we are moving apart. On top of this because of work stuff he’s talking about moving up to Blenheim to work there.  Now he wanted me to come with him, and work up there.  Which is good, except for a couple of things.  I would have to give up school and I am not sure my back can even handle vineyard work, We actually had a bit of an argument about that, about his positive attitude refusing to believe I know my back is fucked, and that the bending and picking would just make it worse.  Of course when he wouldn’t accept that, when he did his, you can do anything you put your mind to, we got tetchy with him.  This last visit was so bad.  Maybe we just need this week apart, maybe its crumbling.. Hell fucked if I know really.