02.26.07
Posted in Just Stuff at 3:21 pm by TheShire
I went to tape Huff last night to find my video is broken. It chews up the tapes so we can’t watch or tape anything with it. This isn’t so bad when it comes to movies as we now watch everything on DVD but the pain in the arse part of it is we regularly find ourselves watching one channel on TV and taping the others. Now we can’t do that anymore and its going to be hard to make choices between programmes. Like tonight, do I watch Heroes or Men in Trees. We will end up having so many more arguments. With only having four free to air channels we were always able to satisfy half the people, now we are going to have to work on our comprising skills.
This morning in the mad rush to catch the bus I grab my cellphone. I don’t get many calls but it’s handy to have and it also works as a clock for us. But again the bugger is broken. It’s dead and I can’t get it to start. It’s been on charge so I know it isn’t that the battery is flat. I just think its very old and has been thrown around a few times too many. I can’t count the number of times it has fallen out of our bag and smashed onto the concrete flying apart with the battery skimming across the footpath. So now I will have to save up for a new cellphone. Probably get something cheap although I thought about doing the telecom deal where they give you a free phone when you sign up to their plan. But it would probably end up costing us more in the long run since we really don’t ring or text people very often. Its just annoying to be without my phone.
The last annoyance is getting to school and home again twice a week without having any transport. I can do it without too much stress. The bus down and then about a 15 minute walk to school and then on the way home its about 30 minutes to the Octagon and a bus home. It isn’t exactly taxing, but it is so annoying not to just have the transport there when I need it. I hate relying on buses, and its twice as expensive paying for bus tickets than it was paying for people.
So yeah, we need a new video, a new phone, a new bike and a laptop (not necessarily in that order). Where did I put that winning lotto ticket.
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02.25.07
Posted in Just Stuff at 2:27 pm by TheShire
I am wondering if anyone that reads this journal can help me out with a bit of code. If you scroll down the page you will see the brown side bar stops about half way down. Is there any (easier) way to fix the template so the brown continues down the full page? Thanks - Friday
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Posted in Just Stuff at 2:21 pm by TheShire
David’s just left. It is so much easier when I am the one that is leaving, then all I need to do is get on a bus and blob out for the trip. This time I had to come back into an empty house and man it meant I missed him more. It was great to see him although we didn’t end up doing very much. The weather was crap so we stayed at home all yesterday and today when the weather turned good he had to head home. Bit of a bummer, but we still had some time together and I really like having him here. I don’t know how I feel about being involved with him for a year. I suppose it’s a good thing but as always it makes me think, well it’s been this long it will probably be over soon. Yes we still have major issues about being good enough, lovable enough. He’s off now for the next couple of weekends gallivanting around the country, some wine thing in Auckland next weekend and off to his ex’s son’s tenth birthday the following weekend. I am missing him not having a computer right now; we used to waste so many nights chatting away with him. It will probably be Easter when we see him again, since that is our semester break as well.
School starts on Monday. I am still really nervous about it. I think it’s because I have been away for so long, and having to drop our last year makes me doubt my ability to get through this year. I am worrying that I will not get good enough grades, that I will not be able to manage the workload. I do try to think that this is just nerves, that once I am there and doing it I will feel better about the whole process, about the classes, and my abilities. I think it has just been so long and I am so out of touch with it all. I hope anyway. But usually when we are about the start school again there is a level of, maybe not excitement, but eagerness. This year it feels different. Maybe we are over the study thing, but we really need to keep going. I want to finish this, and I don’t want to spend my days sitting around doing nothing, so it’s study and look for a job.
We have so much writing to do. After I finish this, Walka wants to write something and we still have to work on our Southern Scenic Route page, especially now we have the photos off David’s camera. I can’t seem to get the page set up to work, so I might have to post the SSR stuff to the website instead, will see after I get it finished. And there are some that want to write some stuff for our other world journal and Victress is talking about having a bitch about the whole multiples are super shiny intelligent and creative thing, but I think she can wait, it’s hardly newsbreaking how annoyed she gets over that. So with all this writing to do, what have we been doing? Playing Age of Mythology obsessively. We so need a new computer game, its getting boring procrastinating to the same game so much.
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02.22.07
Posted in Recovery, Vents at 4:55 pm by TheShire
I get the feeling sometimes that because I talk about doing well, because I speak up about working for a good life, the life we want, rather than the life imposed upon us by our family and society that some people think it’s all just come really easy to us, or it has always been that way. I often get comments like, it’s alright for you but we struggle, or we are not as functional as you, or the very best one ever, yes but we have had a lot of abuse in our life. Umm, ok, all those things are fine, but they are not impossible to overcome, I know because I too have struggled, I too have been dysfunctional, and yeah guess what I too have had a whole lot of shit in my life. It does make me worry that I come across all perfect and judgemental. That I am presenting myself as the ultimate, or putting myself up on a pedestal. Or do I speak about it in ways that make it sound like I just wandered along and let it all happen to me. You know, the truth is probably going to sound really judgemental of me. But I do think when I hear those sort of things from people that it all seems to be the same people. People that say they are miserable with their life but don’t seem to want to face up to the challenges, people that want sympathy without responsibility. When I get told I had it easy because of what they lived through, well yes, sometimes it makes me want to start the dicksizing contest with them, but I also know that with some people you can never win that sort of contest, they will always have bigger and shiner trauma to pull out of the bag. But the fact that I am working on my trauma, that I am confronting it and trying to process it the best we can doesn’t therefore equate to the fact that I didn’t have trauma to overcome, although it would seem that is what a lot of people seem to believe. I know I have a habit of spinning things in a way that hides my struggles and failings, but I do not think I ever come across as saying it isn’t difficult. Perhaps I do it without knowing, or perhaps it is just easier for people to think that I am somehow different, somehow it is easier for me then they don’t have to worry about doing it themselves.
I do wonder though sometimes, that maybe I wasn’t as damaged by what happened to me/us as other people have been with what happened to them. I remember thinking this a lot when I used to spend a lot of time with my neighbour. She was so symptomatic, overtly so to the point where it almost seemed exaggerated. I remember I used to feel so sorry for her, that she had to live with such uncontrollable reactions. I also remember feeling a lot like a fraud myself because I felt, believed that all my own symptoms were discreet, well hidden from view. Some people used to say that they were there though, as long as you were aware what you were seeing. This may be true (I’m still a little on the fence on that one) but the point still remained, for me I believe that I was not as symptomatic, I was not showing the sighs and therefore was not having to struggle with as much as others. I do sometimes counter that by thinking about the lessons I grew up with, the ways things manifested with us that might be less recognisable and more covert than others. But that just sounds self-important. I tend to fall back onto wondering that maybe I have made improvements in my recovery rather than remaining dysfunctional after 10 years of therapy because I actually had it easier.
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02.15.07
Posted in Just Stuff at 10:44 pm by TheShire
Well I didn’t get the job I applied for, go figure. I will have to continue looking and applying. I hate job searching, there is nothing like constant rejection to make one feel good about oneself. I really do want to get on with life, to get a job and earn some money. I even think I would give up school if there was a job that was decent enough. I mean I am not going to chuck in school to work in a supermarket, but if there was a job in a library, or if I had gotten this disability job then I would give up on getting my Masters, at least for a while. I can hear a level of grumbling about that, but school starts in a couple of weeks, and we are so not enthusiastic about it. I know once we are there we will enjoy it but at the same time I think we are ready to move on. It’s a shame last year went the way it did as it would be far easier to do Master’s through distance learning. So I will continue to do the work at school, well I will continue to make sure that Kate can do the work we need to do at school and I will continue to look for a job worth giving up school for.
Oh its going to be one of those really switchy entries. This isn’t because, just because therapy sucked so much today, but also external factors. Michella started to write this entry this morning before we had to head off to therapy. She was hoping to get it all done before she left and then we ended up watching Dr. Phil and getting highly triggered. We usually don’t watch the man, he irritates us no end, but there was a stupid arsed woman on the radio that was even more irritating so the TV was switched on instead of the radio and there was Dr. Phil. There was a family dynamic going on during that programme that hit too close to home, that almost dragged us into flashback. The way the mother spoke to her daughter, especially when she didn’t realise the cameras were still rolling, and then trying to pass it off as a joke, saying her daughter was being too sensitive. Well it was all too close, and too easy to look over and expect to see my mother’s face staring out from the television screen. I think we lost a little time, because there seemed to be a mad dash to catch the bus, which turned out to be 10 minutes late anyway.
And now I will talk about our anniversary, which is only really an anniversary for a small group of us. We all might know David, and by default have spent a year with him, but in truth it is really only 4 of us that are directly, emotionally and sexually involved with him. So when he rang to talk about what we will do next weekend I took over. We talked a little about it last night, but he was tired and we couldn’t find a solution, so he rang again tonight much more alert and positive. We had our first meeting/date on the 24th of February last year. It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year. Hard to believe that we worked and maintained a relationship that long. Although it was probably easier because we weren’t living together during it, although I know people say long distance is harder to maintain and yeah I am ready for it not to be long distance anymore, but I do think in many ways it was simpler for us to keep it going without him having to deal with us full time.
Ok, therapy kicked our arse and its now late and I never got to finish this, so instead of just deleting I will put it up unfinished.
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02.10.07
Posted in Just Stuff at 10:16 pm by TheShire
It’s been a while since we have written here again. Partly that was because we were away at David’s again, this time without any access to a computer at all. He crashed his computer somehow, no idea, something about him deleting files that he shouldn’t have. So I was without a computer when I was up there, and now I am missing him a lot because without a computer we don’t get to talk every night. I am writing something long and detailed about the trip we took on the way home from seeing him, we as in us and him. We did the Southern Scenic Route on the way home which is basically going around the coast of the lower South Island. It was great fun, and as I said I am writing something more detailed and hopefully by the time I get it done he will have a new computer so he can send me down some of the photos he took during the trip so I can add them to it.
I’ve just finished watching In My Father’s Den. I taped it when it was on TV last weekend. I don’t know what it is about that movie that touches me so much, it’s a moving piece. I cry every time, not just because of the sadness of the story but because something touches my spirit. I really want to get the DVD. This reminds me of David asking us what our top 5 movies were. The first 4 were easy enough to choose, even with it being a joint effort, but it is filling that last spot that the arguments start. For the record it’s, Shawshank Redemption, Dogma, Schlinder’s List and In My Father’s Den that make up the top four, then we argue amongst ourselves what gets on that last spot. Actually I have just been reminded that we did have some argument about Schlinder’s List getting in the top 4. The strange thing is we don’t own any of those movies. We should really make an effort to get them on DVD.
This is a pretty useless journal entry, I don’t know what else to write about. I haven’t written anything for a while so it’s hard to get started again, so this will have to do for tonight.
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