I make such a really bad fan. I know I love certain fandoms, people who know me will know how extremely serious I take some of the shit that is a television programme. I do, I know I get too carried away with it sometimes, analysing stuff, looking for deep meaning in things that are really only there to entertain. But it’s who I am, I am the sort to get overly serious and fascinated by all sorts of weird shit. So the reason I say I’m a bad fan. I decided to watch some of the Torchwood ComicCon panel on youtube. I was interested in hearing about the decision making, the whole five days in five days concept, hell even the killing of Ianto, from the writers and producers perspective. There were seven parts to the panel discussion, I got about half way through part two when I had to shut it off. It wasn’t want the panel was saying. I loved all that it was the audience. The squealing was not only annoying as all hell, but well, for me, just really pathetic. The questions, ok I get there’s this culture of fangirl stuff, but really, I just don’t get it, I don’t get the giggling and inane questions and gushing. I don’t get it at all, and so I had to shut off the youtube clips. I couldn’t turn down the fangirl audience and just listen to the panel. I’m a fan, I’ll probably always be a fan of many things, I know some people think I’m very nerdy, and take it far too serious. So with those thoughts I should give the fangirl culture their right to be all fangirlly, and in general I do, but I am now very aware that I think it’s all very immature, pathetic and well… stupid. Therefore it’s probably a good thing I will never go to a ComicCon or any of its like.

I’ve given up smoking, again. I’m on the third day without a cigarette, from experience, day 3 to day 5 are the worst for the cravings. Again I am given up purely for financial reasons, its why I gave up last time and started to smoke again a few weeks later. It’s really hard to give up when you don’t really want to give up. But with buying this new computer, I have loan repayments so I will have to cut back on my spending, and smoking is the only thing I can see I can changed. I managed for 9 months once, only starting again after the Christmas from hell, so I’m hoping that if I avoid family shit I might be able to keep smoking. The funny thing though, when I get support and encouragement from people all I want to do is smoke. Half my budget when on smoking, so even with the loan repayments I would still have some left over, perhaps even enough to join fatso. It really would be nice to have just a little money to play around with.