10.30.09
I don’t get why this is hitting me so hard. I keep feeling like I’m breaking down, not sleeping, want to cry. It shouldn’t be this fucking bad
10.27.09
all my thinking
So my neighbour turned up this afternoon with a bottle of wine. He’s a nice guy, not someone I would call a good friend or anything but yeah, nice enough. But I did a stupid thing, when he brought out a second bottle I kept drinking and got drunk enough that I forgot to censor myself. When he started asking questions I answered them, sober enough to know it was a bad idea, but drunk enough to not keep my mouth shut.
The guy is older than me, so maybe it was a generational thing, but he decided that my problems were my fault, that I just wasn’t thinking right. I tried to explain to him that my problems were just the same as a war veteran reacting to something innocent in his environment, i.e. a helicopter going over. He told me I was wrong, and that they weren’t the same. Now I know enough, I’ve learnt enough about post trauma and how it effects the mind. Sean’s spent enough time explaining how my mind was rewired because of how I lived, how I had to survive.
So I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know that. But at the same time I am fighting against the urge to beat myself up that I can’t just get over things. I know at least part of that is because of my past again. Years of being punished because I was sad and withdrawn after I got a beating from my mother. You had to just get over it immediately or you were a bad daughter. But its not just my family and my past, there are so many messages about not being sad, or angry, or well, anything other than ‘normal’. I hate the idea of being a victim, but I also hate the belief that I should just bury it and pretend everything is fine.
I’m still struggling with knowing because I finish therapy, that I will have no one to take this bad shit to, no one to hear me talk when it gets hard. I’ve never been good at being a friend, maybe, I’m a bad friend, maybe I don’t know the skills around friendship. But this means now, without a professional person, well, I’m very alone.
Onto the good news, I’m starting to think I may not have completely fucked up my ability to get into Masters. I have an appointment with someone next week to just confirm that.
10.25.09
more Master’s distress
So on the active day. I’ve talked to WINZ about a disability allowance. I am not sure how much I will get and it will not fully cover therapy if they give it to me at all. But I’m thinking, well of doing something I shouldn’t. That is, if I state I am going to therapy every week then there might be enough to cover therapy once a month. It would be better than nothing, but I’m not sure I can get away with it. I’m just still really terrified about not having therapy.
The other thing I’ve been trying to do is get information about what my options for Masters might be. There is a part of me that still hopes my average would go out to a B+ but I can’t let myself hope right now, I’m too fragile, there’s too much to lose if I think positively. I hate how important this is to me, and how because others know the level of desire I have for it I’ve allowed them a way in to hurt me.
I’ve been trying to distract today. I should get started on the article writing for my 480. It is something I want, I want to say I’ve been published. Hell, even if I end up never getting into Masters at least that’s one thing I will have achieved. But it’s too raw today. I will do it, I have made that promise to myself.
Ok so its been a day. Yesterday was hard. I did try to be positive. You see, to get into Master’s you need a B+ average. I know I have an A, A- and at least a B+ already, and its likely that the paper I fucked up on I’ll get a B- for. So I’m thinking if I take the A down to a B+ that will bring the B- up to a B+, which then gives me three B+’s and an A-. So if they average it out it will be a B+ and maybe that will be enough. And the A- is in an independently run paper rather than a class based one. So do I hope? Trouble is, there’s still too much of my crazy brain that says hoping and wanting is what made all this go wrong. Which I know is stupid, because what went wrong was I fucked up. But a life has taught me that to want, to dream only brings disappointment if I’m lucky and more than likely intense punishments. I did so much work on my recovery to think I could say I’m an academic nerd, that its ok to find studying and writing and being political a positive and fun thing. I thought I could acknowledge my goals, acknowledge my desire to do something without the risk of that knowledge then becoming something to beat me down with. And maybe it is safe, I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel it right now. So I can’t let myself hope it’s just damn scary right now. And yet, even as I write this there’s that small part at the back of my head going, all is not lost.
10.22.09
from great to shit before the sun went down
Today has been odd. What started off really positive and left me feeling excited and confident has now gotten me stressed and despondent.
At the beginning, well I went down to the university and got positive. I started to plan my Masters next year, and found I could take a second chance at writing an article for a paper I did a couple of years ago. Basically I did really well and they suggested I could narrow it down to present it as an article to be published. When this came as an option last time I freaked out completely, but it is something I really want to have achieved. So I was feeling nervous but positive about that. Also in talking to Susan she agreed to supervise me for my Masters if I put it off until August since she’ll be busy writing for a book until then. That worked well for me, gave me some time to get back in the mindset. So as I said, was feeling positive.
But the meeting ran later than I had hoped and I ended up being 5 minutes late for my therapy. I was almost there when the town clock struck 3, so I had a panic attack, and that added to the stress of trying to get there fast, by the time I got to my therapist’s office I could hardly breathe. Barely had time to calm down when Sean tells me ACC has stopped all my funding. No second chance, no other options. I am out of therapy. I can’t afford to pay privately, so I don’t have any other choices in this. That’s it. I know this sounds really pathetic for me, but Sean, my therapist is my only support in my life. I don’t have friends I can talk to about my life, I don’t have family, the only person I have, or at least had was Sean, and now ACC won’t pay for it I don’t even have that. Part of me thinks maybe I’ve done a lot of work, enough work. But mostly I look at how I am and see that work is still very fragile and I need more, I need help and not just support. I don’t know what to do, it… scares me.
So now for the last fucking bad news. I got my results, and although it’s not official if I have worked it out correctly, well, I only got a B- grade. Which isn’t that bad but to get into Masters I need a B+ average. I may still make that, I’ve got an A- and I think an A, and at least a B+ (not sure about that last one), so if you average it out, perhaps I have the B+ average. But still I feel like I have had the rug ripped out under me. The scary thing, so many people know that I want this, that I am so focused on getting into Masters, so when it all falls through I’ll be a laughing stock as well as losing something I want so badly. That’s the problem I’ve had about wanting, it gets me hurt.
I hate that I’ve fucked up. I hate knowing I can do better but didn’t. I feel like everything is pointless and although I know this is an overreaction I have to wonder if it’s worth the struggle to get into Masters or if I’ve proven I shouldn’t even try. Of course when I used to get to this, I’d take it to therapy and talk it through, work out my options, examining how realistic my fears are. But now that’s not an option, now it seems I am too crazy for hospital therapy, but not crazy to be allowed funding. I walked from the university to therapy without being afraid of being in public, only to have it all crumble.