So Iâ€™m going to see Owen on Monday. Iâ€™ve been communicating with him for a few weeks now and he rang yesterday to say heâ€™ll be in Dunedin on Monday so we should meet.
We seem to have a lot in common and at this time are looking for the same thing. I know my ideal dream would be to find someone that is right for me and develop a full on relationship with, but at the same time Iâ€™ve come to see that as a dream that wonâ€™t work in reality. Iâ€™m not being all negative or pessimistic; I do feel I am being realistic. It isnâ€™t about settling, itâ€™s about what I am capable of creating for myself.
When I first started talking with Owen he kept saying he wanted something â€˜casualâ€™. I thought, well that wonâ€™t work for me, I donâ€™t want to be someoneâ€™s free fuck. But after talking a bit more, getting more information, his definition of casual is different than mine. For me, casual means turning up for sex when the guy is horny, without any connection or interaction. For him it meant developing a friendship, liking someone as a person as well as creating a sexual connection. This I can do, in fact right now, this is probably all Iâ€™m capable of giving someone. I donâ€™t want to do the love, living together thing. In a way itâ€™s like dating without any assumption of moving from that.
So we are going to meet on Monday. He lives in central Otago, it isnâ€™t a long drive, only about an hour and half from his place to mine. Heâ€™s down for business, so weâ€™ll meet, and see if we both want to continue. He said on the phone last night heâ€™s keen and unless thereâ€™s something really wrong with me, then heâ€™s going to be willing to continue. Of course, Iâ€™m suspect. I have some major self-image crap to deal with, the belief no one will ever willingly want to spend time with me. Iâ€™ll deal, bury it the best I can when I meet him. Because face it, doing the â€˜god Iâ€™m so revoltingâ€™ is not a good way to approach someone.
Itâ€™s been a while since Iâ€™ve dommed someone. The last few encounters I have had have been about topping without domination. I donâ€™t like doing that, I get nothing out of it without the addition of the dynamic. He seems to want to submit as much as anything else. This, if it happens, will be a casual thing, so I wonâ€™t have that much control over his life, but we have already discussed enforcement of beneficial behaviour and rules. So I see him offering submission, not just wanting me to top him.
So Iâ€™ll meet him for lunch on Monday, and see how it goes. Iâ€™m nervous, but itâ€™s a good nervous.