August 2010

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second meeting

24 August, 2010 in Sexuality | 2 comments

A couple of weeks ago I saw Owen. I really didn’t know how I felt about it, whether it was worth doing again. I liked him well enough, but not so much that I felt any strong connection with. He was more, just a guy that was interesting, a slight friendship at the most. Plus the play was, well uneventful. I thought long and hard about continuing, whether it was just settling or I was getting something from it.

Tonight I had another session with him. It was a lot more enjoyable. I still don’t feel I would ever want a full relationship with him. He’s a nice guy but there’s absolutely no spark, no buzz that I have had with others. But the time we spent together was a lot more easy and free-flowing. I’m now far more content about continuing with him. I got far more out of the play with him today than last time and it felt more comfortable.

Still looking for someone to have a proper relationship with, but I can see me getting some enjoyment from this until then.

meeting a possible sub

7 August, 2010 in Relationships | 1 comment

So I’m going to see Owen on Monday. I’ve been communicating with him for a few weeks now and he rang yesterday to say he’ll be in Dunedin on Monday so we should meet.

We seem to have a lot in common and at this time are looking for the same thing. I know my ideal dream would be to find someone that is right for me and develop a full on relationship with, but at the same time I’ve come to see that as a dream that won’t work in reality. I’m not being all negative or pessimistic; I do feel I am being realistic. It isn’t about settling, it’s about what I am capable of creating for myself.

When I first started talking with Owen he kept saying he wanted something ‘casual’. I thought, well that won’t work for me, I don’t want to be someone’s free fuck. But after talking a bit more, getting more information, his definition of casual is different than mine. For me, casual means turning up for sex when the guy is horny, without any connection or interaction. For him it meant developing a friendship, liking someone as a person as well as creating a sexual connection. This I can do, in fact right now, this is probably all I’m capable of giving someone. I don’t want to do the love, living together thing. In a way it’s like dating without any assumption of moving from that.

So we are going to meet on Monday. He lives in central Otago, it isn’t a long drive, only about an hour and half from his place to mine. He’s down for business, so we’ll meet, and see if we both want to continue. He said on the phone last night he’s keen and unless there’s something really wrong with me, then he’s going to be willing to continue. Of course, I’m suspect. I have some major self-image crap to deal with, the belief no one will ever willingly want to spend time with me. I’ll deal, bury it the best I can when I meet him. Because face it, doing the ‘god I’m so revolting’ is not a good way to approach someone.

It’s been a while since I’ve dommed someone. The last few encounters I have had have been about topping without domination. I don’t like doing that, I get nothing out of it without the addition of the dynamic. He seems to want to submit as much as anything else. This, if it happens, will be a casual thing, so I won’t have that much control over his life, but we have already discussed enforcement of beneficial behaviour and rules. So I see him offering submission, not just wanting me to top him.

So I’ll meet him for lunch on Monday, and see how it goes. I’m nervous, but it’s a good nervous.

tired

2 August, 2010 in Just Stuff | 1 comment

I’m so tired. I don’t know if its getting up so early this morning, although not so crazily early. Maybe its just been such a busy tiring day after not doing much for months. I’m sure my body will get use to it, but its only 7pm and I just want to go to bed already.

First day down at University.

2 August, 2010 in Study | Permalink

So first the crappy stuff. It was crappy but it wasn’t ‘crazy’ crappy, it was technical insanity. My laptop wouldn’t find a connection, even though according to the IT guy it was working. Not so bad, I had the desktop the university provided. However, that system refused to acknowledge my usb drive, so I couldn’t get the files I took down. Again not so bad, just one more issue they need to look at. So I start looking for journal articles, and then find they set me up to a printer that doesn’t exist. So basically I couldn’t print anything off. Reading off the computer screen fucks with my brain, the words just become scribbles when its reading I have to concentrate on to understand.

Now, those things were irritating, but not the end of the world. Most I just have to wait for others to deal with. Another woman in the room said I could email her some of my files and she’s print them for me, so that gave me something we could do. The rest, doesn’t stop me doing anything.

The better stuff. I’ve started. This is such a big deal, I’m so freaking bouncy about it. Yes I still have all the insanity working my brain, but that’s not going to suddenly disappear. But I went and saw my supervisor, set up an appointment with her for a couple of weeks. I have a plan, I know what I’m doing. It’s all new and slow, but I’ve got a structure of things to do.

The bus worked out well, going down the bus picks me up about 8:20 in the morning and drops me off about a block from where my desk is. I still am not sure what time the bus picks me up to go home, when I was leaving another one of the people was heading out and she gave me a lift. Was extremely nice of her, and although part of me wanted to say no, felt I was imposing and shouldn’t accept it, I forced myself to. Because it’s the social thing to do, a way to connect with people that I’ll be spending a lot of time with, and also I keep reminding myself that when people volunteer something it’s nice to say yes thank you. So I still have to work out bus times home, but at least I know where it stops.

So tomorrow I’m going to get some filing stuff, set up my area. I want to work it well and have my study area feel comfortable for me. I have lit reviews to do, re-establish my understanding of post-structuralism, and start to work out interview questions. So yes, things are going well.