A year ago, the second really bad earthquake hit Christchurch.. The first one ws higher on the Richter Scale, but it seemed to do less damage, maqybe the scond one was so bad because of the damage already done, not sure. Anyway 182 people died, buildings collapsed, it was a huge deal in New Zealand.
Today is the anniversary of that.
Iâ€™m rather crazy. The thing is I know what Iâ€™m feeling makes no sense. Itâ€™s not something Iâ€™d really want to talk about. Thereâ€™s a part of me that hates feeing this way. I mean, the people that lived through it, that lost the ones they loved, or their houses or employment, I get that is far worse, and I worry I sound like some people I know that always seems to be bigger and worse than anyone else, that they coop other peopleâ€™s stories. So Iâ€™m not wanting to take over their stories, I donâ€™t want to be melodramatic, but Iâ€™m not doing so well.
Iâ€™m wracked with guilt. As I said I know it doesnâ€™t make any sense to anyone else, but in my head I feel responsible for the earthquake, that I must have done something or didnâ€™t do something that caused it. I have these feelings a lot, but this one is much worse, maybe because its so close to home, maybe because Christchurch is so close. I feel guilty, and I feel like, fuck it sounds drama queen, but I feel like I killed those people. I want punished, I want to be held up as the one whose fault it is. Of course thatâ€™s not going to happen, no one would treat me that way, or even understand my guilt. So Iâ€™m left with this desperate feeling that I need to pay and Iâ€™m worried that will be acted on.
Because itâ€™s such a big deal in New Zealand, itâ€™s all over the television here. Every time I see a news article or an advert for something to come onto the television later, I feel like curling up into a little ball the guilt is so bad.