Ok, first I hope this works, because for some reason my ftp won’t work, and I can’t find the saved email that set it up for me. So I opened a picture hosting account with ImageShack. Ok so ImageShack thing wasn’t working then I figured out wordpress had a function that will do it for me… delayed yay me.

My Desk:

Yes I know its very tidy, but this was before I got started and spread all the paper out.

View from my Window:

You might be able to make out the yellow bus (just right of the huge chimney) that’s where my bus arrives and leaves from.

As for my room mate, she hasn’t turned up yet. Although I heard today even when she does she might not stick around, because she’s not keen on sharing a room. Which amused everyone because as Master’s students we are lucky to even get semi-private (2 per room) study areas. So things could get interesting.

I’m getting a roommate in my postgrad room. It’s sort of expected. Everyone else shares a room but for a while I’ve had a room to myself. I’m nervous about it, having to share a space. I’m worried about my ‘weird’ behaviour, I’m worried about the repeat of the whole bullying/being hated thing, I’m worried in general. I don’t know who the woman is, I’ll probably meet her next week. In some areas I’ve had practice with that, with interacting with the other post-grad students that are on the same floor, but I’ll be in closed quarters with someone else.

There are some practical anxiety issues I have to work though. I hope she’s ok with having the door open constantly. I am not sure if sitting with my back to her, or my back to the door will be less stressful. I’m thinking the door so I’ll keep the desk in the same place, but I’ll have to see how I am with her in the room. They will have to reorganise the room, bring in some bookcases, and move things around. Just last week, another student and I finally moved all the crap out of the room, because it was just me I wasn’t too worried about it cluttering up a corner, but Anne decided to tidy it up, and in the end it was worth it. So now I’ll have to get a bookcase because all my books and folders are sitting on the spare desk at the moment. I don’t need another filing cabinet, I have a small one by my desk I use. There’s a desk and two spare filing cabinets in the room, so the new person might used them, or if not hopefully they’ll be moved out.

So next week the new person will be shown around and we can go from there. To try and be positive it might be nice to have someone to share the experience with, if we get on of course.

A year ago, the second really bad earthquake hit Christchurch.. The first one ws higher on the Richter Scale, but it seemed to do less damage, maqybe the scond one was so bad because of the damage already done, not sure. Anyway 182 people died, buildings collapsed, it was a huge deal in New Zealand.

Today is the anniversary of that.

I’m rather crazy. The thing is I know what I’m feeling makes no sense. It’s not something I’d really want to talk about. There’s a part of me that hates feeing this way. I mean, the people that lived through it, that lost the ones they loved, or their houses or employment, I get that is far worse, and I worry I sound like some people I know that always seems to be bigger and worse than anyone else, that they coop other people’s stories. So I’m not wanting to take over their stories, I don’t want to be melodramatic, but I’m not doing so well.

I’m wracked with guilt. As I said I know it doesn’t make any sense to anyone else, but in my head I feel responsible for the earthquake, that I must have done something or didn’t do something that caused it. I have these feelings a lot, but this one is much worse, maybe because its so close to home, maybe because Christchurch is so close. I feel guilty, and I feel like, fuck it sounds drama queen, but I feel like I killed those people. I want punished, I want to be held up as the one whose fault it is. Of course that’s not going to happen, no one would treat me that way, or even understand my guilt. So I’m left with this desperate feeling that I need to pay and I’m worried that will be acted on.

Because it’s such a big deal in New Zealand, it’s all over the television here. Every time I see a news article or an advert for something to come onto the television later, I feel like curling up into a little ball the guilt is so bad.

So I haven’t written anything here for a while. During the day when I’m at school I open up a document incase inspiration strikes. Sometimes something will come up and I will start writing something for the journal, but lately that hasn’t been happening. Usually at the end of the day if there’s nothing inspiring in the document I just trash it. So since I haven’t had a journal urge for a while I thought today I’d share what was written in the document during the day. So you can see the strange stuff that comes out of us during the day.

Not all cats have white paws.
Yes they do!!!
Hmpf.

There’s a difference between procrastination and OCD. Procrastination is what I’m doing now. OCD is when I file Diorio before Davies and am afraid the world might end if I don’t check every other article is in alphabetical and chronological order.

I’m never going to become a ninja with shoes this squeaky.

If we ever convince her that if something is dissolved in the water that tipping the top layer out will not change anything, would that mean we would never get to drink another cup of coffee?

Telling an exceptionally poor person you just got a $5000 bonus is just mean – yes I know I’m bitter and jealous.

Who at the fucking sausages??

It’s rather ironic that we are doing all this research into the construction of menstruation when our own issues with it are completely fucked.

Being on the 4th floor is cool until the life breaks down. God my butt cheeks are going to be sore tomorrow.

I think Kate’s need to be liked is less about having friendships are more about avoiding being attacked.

E. would be the first Evil Overlord that’s too shy to talk to anyone.
Torture decrees by email?