So the plan, head back out into the real world today. Woke up early enough, actually I woke up on time and for a change was wide awake. But I couldnâ€™t do it. The world was too scary, so I ended up shutting the door and hiding out for the day. Now I tell myself that tomorrow will be different. That one day isnâ€™t going to make that much difference, if I get going again tomorrow. All those things are probably true, but it doesnâ€™t help really, feeling that Iâ€™m back to being overwhelmed again. Itâ€™s understandable, I just hate that I have to be understandable about it.
I really hate my anxiety disorders. I hate feeling like the world is dangerous or that I am dangerous to be out there in it. One of the hardest things is knowing that thoughts in my head make no sense, that they arenâ€™t a true reality, but still feeling they are true, that it all will happen. When I try to explain it to people I get tongue-tied because I know none of it makes any sense, that I canâ€™t explain what it is really like. And most of the time I think most people believe I can just shut it off, stop it so it wonâ€™t interfere. It frustrates me, the lack of understanding, but mostly the way it makes life, being normal, such a fucking struggle.
(stupid H key keeps not working.. grrr)