So when I was having my notHeartattack, the doctors told me I needed an ambulance to get from their surgery to the hospital. I snorted at that, it was only a 2 block walk, and really I already taken the bus down to town, so it was hardly an issue. If they gave me a note to explain to the people at the ED, then it would be fine. But no, supposedly I needed an ambulance, and ok at that point I thought I might actually be having a heart attack so I decided to comply.
Today I came home to find a bill for $80 for the hospital ride. $80 for a two block ride! Ok I suppose I wouldnâ€™t think it was that expensive if I had actually had a full heart attack on the trip and they had to resuscitate me. But since they didnâ€™t, and Iâ€™m poor, it shocked the crap out of me. This is why I donâ€™t go to Doctors, ok one of the reasons, they hit me with major bills but in the meantime tell me nothing is wrong. I shouldnâ€™t probably complain about nothing being wrong, but there are all those times when Iâ€™m told nothing is wrong and Iâ€™ve had to fight for months, or years to get them to agree there was something wrong, over a year for my back surgery, and hell, 30 years to be diagnosed with asthma. So yeah I get cranky.
So I got an $80 St John bill that is due in 2 weeks. Well I sorry they will have to wait, thatâ€™s my weekâ€™s money so it will be at least 4 weeks until I can save the total amount. And Iâ€™m not overly keen on running around to see if I can pay for it sooner.
I got a letter from my landlord this afternoon to say they had contracted out to replace the roofs and were informing us that this will start some time in the next couple of weeks. Thanks for that, I was wondering what the scaffolding, that was being put up since last week, and the men climbing over the roofs was about. So ok, we must have been the first set of units to be started, but it just amused me to get a â€˜warningâ€™ letter after theyâ€™d started a week ago.
I stayed at home today to get some work done (more on that later), and with all the banging of them ripping off the old roof and replacing the new one has left me rather jittery and headachy. I donâ€™t like people in my space, and ok, this time they donâ€™t have to come inside, but they are all wandering around outside and looking through windows. Iâ€™m left feeling invaded, feel like I need to move flats again. I hate it. Not much I can do I suppose, tomorrow Iâ€™ll be back at school.
The reason I stayed home today was I thought Iâ€™d get more work done here. I have a full draft of my thesis, and was going to do a proofread, mostly focusing on the references and continuity stuff. But yesterday I found the computer at the university wasnâ€™t up to handling the large file, it would crash and get stuck. My computer there has been crap for months, and supposedly Iâ€™m on a list to get a replacement, so I thought, Iâ€™d just do it at home. But for some reason, at home the Endnote programme is glitchy.
Endnote is a referencing tool/programme. On a basic level it puts the reference at the end of a sentence like this (Surname, 2012). And keeps a track of all your references. Itâ€™s generally a really good tool to have, and I used it extensively. But for some reason instead of just putting surname on a couple of them it was also putting the first name initial too. But only on a couple, and well thatâ€™s not APA so I had to fix them. Itâ€™s not that hard a thing to do, but, when I changed the one thatâ€™s wrong, my laptop decided to make some that were right, wrong. So when I changed them it just kept going. So it was like a never ending circle and so hard to keep track of what was getting changed and not.. its 147 pages after all. So in the end I didnâ€™t get anything really done, with the glitches and the pounding.
So I was talking to Sassy today and mentioned I had a long wish list. It started by saying I used to have an Amazon wish list, but lost the account details ages ago, and then I remembered the one I had on my computer. After Sassy went to bed I opened it up, and man itâ€™s extensive. It sort of embarrasses me because I am not generally that materialistic. But then Iâ€™m not trying to get the stuff on the list, its more, well wishful, if I had money I would get, but I donâ€™t so I donâ€™t care sort of thing. But it is odd to see it all listed out there.
The funny thing was, I was going on it when Holly came online. We got talking about how I need to save up to get some new winter shoes, since the whole bottom of the boots I had came off. I was having what I thought was an ordinary conversation about how much I love shoes but hate shoe shopping since I canâ€™t find any that fit. She said she saw a wonderful pair she was going to get, and I know the shoe shop, $200 would be considered cheap there. I had to laugh and respond with I saw Shoe Warehouse was having a $20 sale. She started making comments about how much money she had, and how she liked spoiling her girlfriends, and basically just dropping a lot of not very subtle hints about how sheâ€™d be a sugar daddy. The part that amused me was she acted like she could use her money to convince me to go out with her, but itâ€™s always been her that isnâ€™t willing to go out, so its not like bribing me with money can work, but she made a big deal that dating her would get me access to money. Usually my response to that is, gee thanks for calling me a whore, today it just made me shake my head and think sheâ€™s just .. well.. odd.
And in honour of Kimbraâ€™s entry into the US market .. settle down.
I got a new phone, mostly because my mobile was dying, and the whole telecom change to 2XT or something, anyway, the combination of my dying mobile and telecom shutting down the deal I had with them, I needed a new phone. Itâ€™s a smart phone but very very basic version of that. I couldnâ€™t afford a proper smart phone, and this one was on special. But the good thing, the reason Iâ€™m talking about my phone on here is Iâ€™m such a geek. I WHOâ€™d up my phone, the ringtone is the Who theme tune, the message tone is the TARDIS noise, and the screen is the TARDIS display, and it makes me grin when I see it. Yes Iâ€™m a nerd and to confirm this, something none of you will be interested in.
Things have not been good lately. I should have taken yesterday off, I had a bitch of a day, and was all over the place doing things I shouldnâ€™t have done, so decided last night I was going hide away until next week. I just need time to regroup I think. Of course the ideal of sleeping in was destroyed when they started ripping out trees at 7:30am. I knew they were starting the construction of the retirement village, and really the noise wasnâ€™t a problem. Iâ€™m sad they pulled out all the trees though. Of course we are in heaven watching the tractors. I was convinced to take a picture, not the best quality of course with the whole only using the laptop thing.
So today I have technically finished the writing of my thesis. All the chapters are written, so its done. Ok its not really done as now I have some editing to do, hopefully not that much, I know my section of feminist post structuralism needs a bit of an edit, and it depends on what my supervisor says about the last couple of chapters. But I am hoping that by the end of the week I will have the full thesis to give to her for her final edit/read. Itâ€™s exciting, well except for the part in my head that is going â€˜drop out and delete the damn thing now!â€
I went to school after the stress test thing. For some reason they, the other students, decided it was important to have photos. I declined, politely, then forcefully said I didnâ€™t want my photo taken, then I had to go into hyper vigilant mode as they decided they were going to sneak a photo. I was triggered, stressed, paranoid and unsafe. It angered me. Yes I get it, for them all it was just the silly, donâ€™t like my photo taken thing. But for me its a minefield of child porn, humiliation and punishment. But Iâ€™m not about to tell virtual strangers that, so instead I deal with the failout from people that wonâ€™t respect a no.
I just got home from 8 hours of sitting around doing nothing while they had me hooked up to machines and running blood tests. Long story short, probably nothing wrong with me. But thatâ€™s not what this is about.
I got home, was having to move the tv out of the bed area, deal with a cat that gets possessive when I am down on the floor and then feed her. Iâ€™d had a day of triggered issues, and high anxiety and hadnâ€™t even began to decompress when the phone rang. It was my mother, going on about a friend of herâ€™s selling his dvds. I wasnâ€™t in the mood, and knew my mother could tell, and she was getting annoyed I wasnâ€™t all enthused. So I ended up telling her what I had to deal with today, and ensured that I wasnâ€™t sick (made a big deal about that incase she decided to become motherly or something).
So she said, you talk to my friend. I said no, because really right now I can hardly manage talking with people I know, let alone total strangers. She got pissed, heâ€™s a friend, he was there all day I would talk to him now. I held strong, I couldnâ€™t handle it. I donâ€™t want to be talking to anyone, hell I didnâ€™t even want to talk to my mother. She kept pushing expecting me to back down, I didnâ€™t. She got pissed, that voice that usually means Iâ€™m about to get punished.
I heard her say to her friend, here sheâ€™ll talk to you. I made it clear that wasnâ€™t going to happen, there was a bit of back and forth, and then an annoyed â€˜be that wayâ€™ from her, and instead of finding a compromise she dismissed me and hung up. I was only happy to hang up myself.
Iâ€™m stressed and pissed and triggered all to hell right now. Iâ€™m proud that I stood up to her and held strong on my boundaries… blah blah blah. Yes its a good thing, but fuck it right now itâ€™s not coming with my insanity levels.
So for hours last night I had chest pains, I put it down to indigestion. Ever since my experience with gall stones I get indigestion occasionally, itâ€™s really bad, but it goes away. I think I managed to fall asleep about 6am, although the cat decided to vomit at 6:20, so I was up and awake by then. But I did sleep until about midday. But today the pain is still there, chest pain, cold sweats, light headedness. The worrying issue is the pain in my arm, so people who have heart problems talk about that. Iâ€™m not usually that paranoid, so Iâ€™m still thinking itâ€™s indigestion related. Of course if its still a problem tomorrow I might get it looked into.
It would be ironic though, that I have a heart attack and die, now that Iâ€™m no longer eager to be dead. All those years searching for a way to die, and then when I want to carry on, what to do things, keel over and die.
Of course the amount Iâ€™m burping and farting, and how I feel better when I do, Iâ€™m going with indigestion.
God after months without a cigarette, I’m suddenly massively craving. So much that I keep reaching for the non-existent packet. Fortunately I only have $11 on me, so I can’t give in and go down to the bottle store. And the thing is, I know that first smoke will be revolting and I’ll hate it, and then I’ll have another, and 3 weeks from now I’d be back to smoking just as much as before I stopped. So not going down that path, but I want a smoke.. god, do I ever… no idea why though
After three days without coffee, and two days of flour and water, literally, I made a flour and water dough and dry fried thin slices for lunch and dinner, today has been wonderful. Coffee almost constantly, chips (the hot variety) with blue cheese dip for lunch, cheese and mushroom toasted sandwiches for dinner. Iâ€™m in food and caffeine heaven. And I have plenty of food for the week, and everything is back to normal. I have the basics restocked. Of course during the time, listening to a friend talk about having wine, and her cheeses and crisps and meals of Thai and pancetta wrapped chicken, was hard. No I donâ€™t expect her to suffer along with me, I know sheâ€™s rich, but knowing I was living on flour, it wasnâ€™t that considerate to rub the wonderful food she was having.
Alice on NZâ€™s hottest home baker looks like she stepped out of a 50â€™s American sitcom, perfectly coiffured hair, make up an inch thick, and letâ€™s not forget the pearls. Ok sheâ€™s 32 and she looks 50, that old fashioned look.
Iâ€™m not a big fan of comic book superhero type movies (the Batman begins reboot probably the exception), so when I see all the advertising and promotion for the Avengers I didnâ€™t really pay much attention. And then I heard it was written or produced or something by Joss Weedon and Iâ€™m suddenly interested. I love his stuff, firefly, buffy, he does really great dialogue and plots. So now Iâ€™m thinking I might need to see the movie. Which for me means waiting for it to come out on video since the cinema is on my list of impossibilities.
Iâ€™m obsessed with sex. Not the actual having sex since thatâ€™s something Iâ€™m virtually given up on lately. No, what Iâ€™m obsessed about is the whole how we talk about sex, how we teach sex, what we think sexuality is. I would love a career that is about researching sexuality and the way it affects our lives, our gender position, and how, what and who gets to define sexuality.
It saddens me that New Zealand seems to be going back to being smitten by America. The Kim Dotcom raid, our willingness to participate in the wars America started, our giddy joy that the US armed services are willing to train with NZ armed forces again. There was a time when we stood up against other countries, said this is how we are going to run our country and you donâ€™t get a say in that. Hell I remember when we decided to go nuclear free there was a concern the US would invade, or do some covert action with us. Now it might not have been a realistic fear, but when it was voiced we said, bring it on if thatâ€™s how youâ€™re going to be. We didnâ€™t roll over and grin besottedly at our betters, and that seems to be what we are doing now.