Itâ€™s an odd thing. I donâ€™t want attention, or any celebration. Hell, the two other students trying to make a big deal about it sent me deep into flashback. But at the same time it feels so anti-climatic. Two years of intense work, a lot of time and energy and, I donâ€™t know it sounds a little corny, but a lot of me went into that work, a lot of personal development and baggage, and then suddenly it all just ends. And it did feel really sudden too. When I got my final draft back from my supervisor I went through it and put little sticky notes on, saying fix this, reference needed, little ? for when I didnâ€™t understand her comment. When I was done it looked bad, there was a lot of things needing attention, and yes that added to the series of freak outs I had over this. But I worked through them, did the right thing, the expected thing and pulled one sticker off at a time. In the end it didnâ€™t take as long as I thought it would, and it didnâ€™t require as much work. Now one part of that was that feeling of just being over it, so a couple of corrections werenâ€™t probably given the time they needed, but so be it. But it felt so sudden, the moment I pulled off the last yellow sticker. One moment it looked like weeks of rewrites, the next it was just under 2 weeks later and I had finished.
So now I get to be all contrary and contradictory. I hated people making a big deal about it. The day I handed it in was horrific because everyone was making a big deal about it. It really was. And Iâ€™m still working through the consequences of that. But thereâ€™s also this odd feeling of being let down, of it not meaning anything. Now before all you good friends write and say it means something to you, I get that. I can even get that it meant something to the other students, although I donâ€™t think that was as much about me, as about the idea of completion, they werenâ€™t celebrating me per se. I think it comes down to something thatâ€™s been featuring quite heavily in my life and thoughts lately, the lacking. Iâ€™ve always felt I have lacked in some way. That I didnâ€™t have something that would make me acceptable, lovable, or whatever it was that made people care about other people. Iâ€™ve also had a major lack of normal life experiences, the things that teach you how to be. Iâ€™ve never had any personal celebrations in my life, never had a birthday, a graduation, any celebration. Iâ€™m lacking those experience, and therefore also the understanding and knowledge that comes with them. The idea of a celebration scares me beyond imagining, but at the same time thereâ€™s this little kernel that goes, it would have been nice.