I made a new yearâ€™s resolution to get back into the habit of journaling and you can all see how well that one went. Still, there is hope I tell myself as I stare at this trying to work out what I want to write about.
I havenâ€™t had a smoke in twelve days. And although I want one every day, Iâ€™m doing pretty well with the cravings. I had a couple of days of bitching at anything that moved and completely avoiding people at the risk of taking some innocent personâ€™s head off. I did actually have a smoke in the last twelve days, but I donâ€™t think one smoke on day five should count, plus it was a helpful smoke because, fuck, did it taste bad. I hated every puff of the damn thing. I try to remember that when the â€œgod I want a smokeâ€ cravings kick in.
I gave up simply because I couldnâ€™t afford them. I live on about $80 a week for food for me and the cat, bus fares, and any extra bills (rent and utilities come out prior to that). Itâ€™s tough enough to live on that much but not impossible, you just have to plan ahead if you want to go to the movies or something. But when you take in smoking well, it was just proving impossible. I was spending an average of $50 a week on tobacco. And for me, Lucy and the bus driver, well $30 doesnâ€™t cover it.
When I told my therapist I gave up smoking because I couldnâ€™t afford them, he tried to get me to give him a positive reason for the decision. He said I always make it seem my decisions come from negative places, which ok, is true, but in this case it is also true that the only reason is a negative one. I donâ€™t want to give up smoking, I love smoking, I donâ€™t give a shit that itâ€™s bad for you or anti-social or a form of slow suicide. I miss my cigarettes. If I had some way of affording them without struggling so bad week to week I would go right back to smoking. I think I am pleased that I am managing to give up, just not pleased to have given up.
Ok moving on from cigarettes because really all writing about smoking makes me do is want to smoke.
P.S. I disabled the comment function, sorry but until I can find a way to stop myself being spammed constantly I prefer to just not have a comment option. Friends if they read this will know my email.. or just use the email link over there <———–