Brian came around for a visit today. Mostly it was just that, a visit and a chat. But he ended up at my feet rubbing them and my calves. It was sweet and well, one thing lead to another and we had a little play. It wasn’t anything major, and I remained fully dressed throughout it all but it was nice. And yes frustrating, he would be so sweet as a submissive, I can see it in him, just there waiting. One touch and it comes up to the surface, but I know he’ll run away afterwards. So I’m not letting myself get too involved in the daydream.
There’s the thing, with Brian it’s personal, intimate and fun. With Owen it’s interesting, challenging and enjoyable. I don’t get emotionally attached when I dominate Owen, I don’t get turned on by it. In a lot of ways I’m playing a pro-domme role with Owen, not in the cold way, not in me feeling used, but its analytical and removed. With Brian there’s an emotional connection, I do find myself reacting to him as a person not just as a dominant. He touches strongly on my dominance side, but also the parts that are personal, that are about connecting to another person.
Last time I spoke with Owen he talked about what would happen when he decided to move on. First I found it amusing he assumed only he would want to move on, that I’d always be available. Anyway, he brought up the idea of being whipped out, basically taking one last punishment before he went off with his new girlfriend or whatever. His idea was if he stopped our arrangement he should still deal with the punishments he had coming. I said no, if one of us decides its over then its over. If he stopped this thing to get out of a punishment, then he’d be shooting himself in the foot because its not like he says its over for a couple of days and then it starts back again.
But the thing is, if he said it was over, then that is what it would be for me. I would say, hey it’s been fun, have a good life. I wouldn’t feel devastated, I wouldn’t feel rejected. I’d wouldn’t need time to recoup. This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy what I have with him, I do, I’m glad for it to continue. But I think after seeing Brian today I can see the difference, see what I would really like. I don’t have any delusions that I’ll get that with Brian, he’s got too many screwed up issues. I know I want more than that cold distant dominant, I want to be more than that, and feel more than that. I think it’s about it’s the difference about being someone’s Mistress, and just being a dominant.